The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

The Great Louth Leader Giveaway, vol. 6

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The giveaways continue in the utopian market town of Louth, Lincolnshire. All you need to do is buy a copy of the Louth Leader each week and every material aspect of your life is sorted, forever.

Food!

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40

2

Confectionary AND drinks!
11

3

15

CLOTHES!

But hang on, only 10% off? This is not part of the deal. But what a delightful floral dress… I would happily pay 90% of the recommended retail price for that item.

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Jewellery!

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Just look at the joy on his face at the sight of a lovely clean ring. Heartwarming.

Even the animals are getting in on the FREE! FREE! FREE! stuff.

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Q. Can there possibly be anything left for the Louth Leader to give away to its readers?

A. Yes. To be continued.

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Written by Paddy

November 17, 2013 at 8:11 pm

Posted in Free goodies

Local Paper Twat #2: the angry HMV gift card redeemer

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The Local Paper Twats march on, forever bypassing human decency and sensitivity in the name of making a crap point and getting themselves in the paper.

Our latest Local Paper Twat thought nothing of approaching HMV staff faced with the prospect of shop closure and loss of their annual salaries in order to make a point about a £25 gift card.

Lincolnshire Echo, 24 January 2013 (story):

Grandad hands ‘defunct’ gift card to HMV staff

Feisty grandad Robert Hoare prompted a High Street stand-off with shop staff after swapping what was a defunct gift card for new earphones at HMV in Lincoln.

The 61-year-old said he was “standing up for all those who had lost out” after the beleaguered chain originally announced it would not accept vouchers from customers.

Mr Hoare slapped the £25 card on the counter and left the shop with four packs of earphones. Staff called police, but he kept the goods after officers said it was a civil matter.

hmvtwat

Mr Hoare’s grandson, Josh Smith, 18, is a paper boy earning £30 a week. His card was actually issued by HMV as a refund. Mr Hoare, from Rowston, near Sleaford, said he was not afraid to have risked arrest to speak up for all who have lost out.

“I did this for my grandson and all those kids who have not been able to spend their vouchers which people bought for them in good faith,” he said. “Josh works six mornings a week in all weathers delivering papers and the £25 at stake here is nearly a week’s wages for him.

“Had I been arrested, I would have denied theft and gone to court to give publicity to all those kids who have lost out. I have proved my point and I wish more people would take a stand on this.”

Then on Monday, just 48 hours after Mr Hoare’s very public protest, HMV’s administrators performed a u-turn and revealed they would now accept gift cards.

“Egotistically, I think that it was all my fault that they changed their minds,” he said.

Poor paperboy grandson Josh.  Some boys are forever proud of their grandads for fighting fascism, campaigning for social justice or rescuing people from burning buildings, but his grandad will be best known as the man who rubbed an HMV gift card in the face of some shop staff threatened with redundancy. Quite the big man.

Written by Paddy

October 28, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

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Are there any depths to which humanity will not sink?

Isle of Man Examiner, 27 September 2013 (story):

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Children at Scoill Phurt le Moirrey have been left bemused and upset after three pumpkins they were enjoying seeing grow disappeared.

The largest, about 19 inches in diameter, was going to be used at a harvest festival tomorrow (Friday) in Port St Mary. On Tuesday school caretaker Steve Shepherd discovered they had been taken.

Head teacher Sue Mowle said: ‘Pupils have been left learning a lesson about the effects of what may be a crime.

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‘The pumpkin has been grown and nurtured with the intention of taking pride of place in the school’s harvest celebrations which culminate with a harvest service in St Mary’s Church on Friday.

‘Following that service, the flesh of the pumpkin was due to be offered to a cafe for use in their soups and pies while the shell was destined to be used later next month for Hop-tu-naa celebrations organised by the parents, teachers and Friends’ Association.

‘Instead, children are now discussing the effect crime can have on its victims. One of the younger pupils optimistically suggested that maybe the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach. Let’s hope that is the case.’

Police constable Robin Arnold said: ‘While this is not the crime of the century, it has had a negative impact on a group of young primary school kids.’

Yes, head teacher Sue Mowle, figure of authority and respect, let’s hope it was the case that the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach… rather than it being the case that the giant pumpkin was devoured at the Mowle family dinner table. Hmmm? Hmmmmmmm? It was definitely either the head teacher or the caretaker. Some people have no shame.

Whoever did it, they’re a brave person to take on these fierce-faced schoolchildren. Just look at the facial venom of that one on the far right. And is he clenching his fists inside his sleeve? No messin’.

Written by Paddy

October 16, 2013 at 7:02 pm

Angry dad achieves Local Paper Twat status

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To the supposedly lefty hotbed of Brighton, where it seems this despicable, cack-headed, double-barrelled scrotum of a ‘business leader’ has accidentally been allowed to settle and integrate into society.

Brighton Argus, 11 October 2013 (story):

Angry dad defies teachers’ strike

A father has warned he will defy a teachers’ strike and take his children to school on the day it closes.

Business leader Paul Yates-Smith said the only alternative was for Saltdean Primary School to compensate him for his lost income and childcare costs.

Mr Yates-Smith, of Brighton Business Bureau, said closures were costing the city thousands of pounds.

In a letter to the school he said: “I am afraid I am unable to support the closure of the school for your industrial action. I shall be bringing my children to school for them to receive the education that they are entitled too (sic).

“I would also like to point out that as parents our time and income is severely affected by this action.

twat

“If you are not able to staff the school adequately, it is only fair that you pay the same fine that you recently pointed out we as parents need to pay for unauthorised absences.

“Please notify me which entrance I should bring my children to on October 17 or where I should send the invoice for the fine your staff should incur for unauthorised absence.”

Mr Yates-Smith added: “I’m fed up of getting just five days’ notice when teachers want to go on strike. Why can’t they arrange for supply teachers to come in? I’m not convinced the school has made any effort to ensure my children get an education on the day.”

Of course he just wants his kids to get an education on the day, a.k.a. he just wants to get rid of his kids for free childcare on the day so he can continue his good work with Brighton Business Bureau, where he presumably sets about enslaving locals into minimum wage labour on a daily basis. [citation provided]

Clearly he hasn’t even stopped to consider the fact that the greatest education his children could possibly receive from their teachers is to learn about when it is necessary and right to act collectively in defence of your hard-earned rights and to reject the politics of division sown by a government of millionaires living in a bubble of privilege. But anyway.

This man is the archetypal Local Paper Twat. Outraged and indignant (check), making a point which lacks any hint of subtlety (check), Gazette-Faced (check) and wrong (check). Local newspapers love the Local Paper Twats because they can create a bit of local controversy and fill up some space on a page.

What a worthless waste of humanity. His skin will be more valuable to society when it dies and forms a thick layer of dust on a desk in Brighton Business Bureau’s premises.

Written by Paddy

October 13, 2013 at 4:21 pm

Posted in Local Paper Twats

FFS: For fox sake

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Sometimes the sanctity of local news is horribly soiled. All it takes is a quiet news day and a form of newsdesk desperation which means any old page-filler will do, regardless of how dubious its factual content or psychologically unstable its source. Suddenly your trusty local paper – which you rely on in hours of need for tales of A-road gridlock, locals in the dock or men flashing from under a frock – becomes a pantomime publication.

9 July 2013 was a particularly dark day for the Lewisham News Shopper.

Lewisham News Shopper, 9 July 2013 (story):

Catford fox horror for man on toilet

A CATFORD man was driven potty after being attacked by a fox which burst in on him as he sat on the toilet.

Anthony Schofield claims he was quietly going about his business in the little boys’ room on July 1 when the mangy creature strutted in before mauling him, his partner and his pet cat.

The startled 49-year-old leapt up from the bog with his trousers around his ankles before pursuing the creature around the living room in a farcical fox chase.

Fox loo 1

Mr Schofield, who lives in Ringstead Road, said: “I didn’t even have time to wipe myself.

“I just had to chase after it. It was so quick. The fox had pushed its nose through the door. I jumped off the toilet. In the meantime it had run into the front room and got the cat.

“It had the cat round the neck. She was in shock, bleeding from her face. It locked itself onto my arm but still had the cat as well. It was unbelievable – the strength in the little thing.

Fox loo 2

“There was blood everywhere. It was like a struggle for my life.”

The unemployed carpenter says he eventually managed to free himself from the animal’s jaws by hauling it outside – while it was still latched onto his arm.

He was treated at hospital for cuts and bruises while his 14-year-old rescue cat Jessie sustained facial injuries and is still too scared to enter the living room.

Just thank your lucky stars Mr Schofield survived his vulpine violation and was able to show off his voluptuous thighs in these ludicrous ‘999’-style photo reconstructions. What would Michael Buerk think? That’s what you should ask yourself every day – but especially today.

With thanks to Ben Chisnall, who will never relax on a toilet again.

Written by Paddy

September 27, 2013 at 10:27 am

READERS POLL: Should the readers really be allowed an opinion on anything?

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It can be very reckless to take too much notice of public opinion. The main danger is we’ll end up with petty criminals being hanged from lampposts outside our front doors, and that will only lead to one thing: higher council tax bills.

However, Cornwall and Devon’s Western Morning News is a fearless local newspaper and never afraid to gauge its readers’ views on the biggest issues of our time.

poll - big cats - western morning news

poll - shirtless - western morning news

poll - cream teas - western morning news

poll - west country accent - western morning news

PLEASE VOTE NOW! In light of the evidence above, please vote in our first ever Nether Regions readers poll.

Written by Paddy

September 23, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Posted in Polls

Gazette Faces, Vol. 11 + Gazette Faces: The Movie

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It’s time for your face to lose all of its definition as you savour the latest catalogue of the Gazette Faced masses. At the end of this post we also have a special gift for you to celebrate the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces…

Taxi driver thought he was a ‘goner’ after attack and robbery (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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Nope, he’s all there.

Guisborough wind farm row blows on after consultation (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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He must feel like he’s pointing in the wind.

THE BIG DEBATE: Should Lincolnshire have more wind farms? (Lincolnshire Echo)

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This fossil is certainly fuelling the BIG DEBATE. Although it should be said that holding a glossy magazine open in such a menacing manner is quite a skill.

Anger after thieves take road safety signs outside school in Louth (Grimsby Telegraph)

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Stockton High Street revamp: ‘I was admiring it – then I fell on my face’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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Wheelchair-bound dog who helped save his owner’s life has died (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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You know when you read one of those headlines which gives you a really warm, comforting glow inside until you get to the last two words?

Residents air concerns over Saltersgill bus stop changes (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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Allotment holders vow to fight Grimsby Town stadium plans (Grimsby Telegraph)

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Stockton bike shop ramraid men bailed (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

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I can’t believe they’re being so brazen about their crime.

Residents fear plans to build homes will turn Holton-le-Clay into a town (Grimsby Telegraph)

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Arrrrrggghhhhh! Not a town!!! This trio simply aren’t ready to be townsfolk.

And now…

Gazette Faces: The Movie

Celebrating the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces on The Nether Regions, a series of Gazette Faces from Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette set to the heart-rending sounds of ‘We Are Teesside’, the area’s emotional mid-90s promotional anthem. Sound essential.

Link: The video’s YouTube page.

Written by Paddy

September 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

Posted in Gazette Faces

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