Archive for the ‘Utter bullshit’ Category
Sometimes the sanctity of local news is horribly soiled. All it takes is a quiet news day and a form of newsdesk desperation which means any old page-filler will do, regardless of how dubious its factual content or psychologically unstable its source. Suddenly your trusty local paper – which you rely on in hours of need for tales of A-road gridlock, locals in the dock or men flashing from under a frock – becomes a pantomime publication.
9 July 2013 was a particularly dark day for the Lewisham News Shopper.
Lewisham News Shopper, 9 July 2013 (story):
Catford fox horror for man on toilet
A CATFORD man was driven potty after being attacked by a fox which burst in on him as he sat on the toilet.
Anthony Schofield claims he was quietly going about his business in the little boys’ room on July 1 when the mangy creature strutted in before mauling him, his partner and his pet cat.
The startled 49-year-old leapt up from the bog with his trousers around his ankles before pursuing the creature around the living room in a farcical fox chase.
Mr Schofield, who lives in Ringstead Road, said: “I didn’t even have time to wipe myself.
“I just had to chase after it. It was so quick. The fox had pushed its nose through the door. I jumped off the toilet. In the meantime it had run into the front room and got the cat.
“It had the cat round the neck. She was in shock, bleeding from her face. It locked itself onto my arm but still had the cat as well. It was unbelievable – the strength in the little thing.
“There was blood everywhere. It was like a struggle for my life.”
The unemployed carpenter says he eventually managed to free himself from the animal’s jaws by hauling it outside – while it was still latched onto his arm.
He was treated at hospital for cuts and bruises while his 14-year-old rescue cat Jessie sustained facial injuries and is still too scared to enter the living room.
Just thank your lucky stars Mr Schofield survived his vulpine violation and was able to show off his voluptuous thighs in these ludicrous ‘999’-style photo reconstructions. What would Michael Buerk think? That’s what you should ask yourself every day – but especially today.
With thanks to Ben Chisnall, who will never relax on a toilet again.
To the suburbs of Nottingham, where the residents refuse to let the grass grow under their feet. But concerned residents Bill and Sylvia Fenton’s lives have been turned upside down since finding themselves victims of the most brutal aspects of the coalition government’s austerity agenda.
They may not have been driven out of work or had their benefits cut to the point of starvation but, worse, they have faced the degradation and humiliation of having longer grass than their neighbours across the street as a result of cuts to local authority budgets.
Nottingham Post, 12 June 2013 (story):
Carlton couple return from holiday to find grass by their street cut to different lengths
A PAIR of bemused Carlton pensioners returned from holiday to find patches of grass on either side of their street cut at completely different lengths.
Bill, 65, and Sylvia Fenton, 67, of Shelford Road, Carlton, were baffled when they were told it was because one side of the road, at the junction with County Road, is managed by Notts County Council while the other is looked after by Gedling Borough Council.
A month later, the 75-square-metre space outside the Fentons’ house has been left to grow up to 12 inches long while the other side has been cut again.
“It feels like it’s not on their list of things to do,” said Bill. “We just don’t feel like we’re getting the service we pay for. I drove through Burton Joyce yesterday and all the patches of grass look like billiard tables.”
If you want to look at a billiard table then get down to your local working mens’ club and put your 50p on the side of the table like the rest of us, you human lawnmoaner.
There are some astonishing local authority grass facts in the rest of the report.
Both councils said grass is cut purely for safety reasons, not to make the surrounding area look nice.
Gedling Borough Council cuts its grass areas 14 times a season, between March and October, compared to Notts County Council, which cuts five times between April and September.
Dave Walker, the county council’s district highways manager for Gedling, said: “The county council is responsible for cutting more than 5,000 kilometres of grass verge right across the county. There was a delay starting this year due to bad weather which, unfortunately, also helps the grass to grow that bit quicker.”
The county council also added that cost plays a part in the number of times grass is trimmed and that grass grows at varying speeds in different areas, depending on the soil.
And that’s your grass facts, for now.
Thanks to Paul Forster for picking out this press cutting.
Question: What do you do in that moment of blind panic when your 12-year-old son stumbles upon the secret world of vice and illegality you thought was well hidden on the family computer?
Options: (a) confess all, (b) slip your son a fiver to keep quiet, or (c) report it to the police, write to the Home Secretary, and parade you and your son in the pages of the local paper with Gazette Faces in order to prove it’s got nothing to do with your own online browsing habits.
Grimsby Telegraph, 19 January 2013 (story):
‘Dark web’ warning to parents as Cleethorpes boy stumbles on grim internet world
A 12-YEAR-old boy from Cleethorpes stumbled across an internet underworld selling guns and sex with underage girls while looking for games online.
His appalled father now wants to spread the word to other parents and has even written to the Home Secretary about it.
Robert Palmer, 53, of Arundel Place, Cleethorpes, was horrified when his son Morgan, who suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), told him what he had unearthed.
The computer whiz had found an ominous tutorial, explaining how to download a different web server, which he did, that unveiled the whole section of the internet not available to normal users.
Services advertised on the dark web include guns, contract killers, drugs, credit card skimmers, sex, child and animal pornography and identities for sale, which can be bought using an online currency called Bitcoins.
Sounds like a whole Narnia of sin. Not one to be selfish, the concerned moral crusader was keen to share news of this ‘whole section of the internet not available to normal users’ with other parents.
Mr Palmer said: “There is nothing you can’t get on there and some of it is pretty grim, so I think that other parents should know about it.
“Young people could get hold of drugs without even meeting a drug dealer, which is worrying. Morgan is sensible and luckily he told me.
Mr Palmer, who writes computer programmes himself, contacted Humberside Police but was told nothing could be done – although they have offered advice to parents and assured them that calls will be taken seriously.
Frustrated, he has written to Home Secretary Theresa May about the dark web, urging her to take action to protect the public from such blatant illegality.
Morgan, a gifted pupil at Cleethorpes Academy, said: “This is the mother-load of criminal websites – some of the things on there are appalling. I knew what it was straight away so I went to get my dad.”
It’s a bit out of order for little Morgan to drag his mother into this sordid episode.
This is a very sad episode in the life of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.
It’s all very well that local newspapers publish classified adverts so the locals can wheel and deal in household appliances and the like, but when such adverts become the story it’s a different matter, and surely the lowest form of regional media coverage.
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 26 November 2010 (story):
Billingham hubby says goodbye to Angelina
A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her.
Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together.
Michael said: “Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.”
But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina.Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter, who recently qualified after completing a college course, has put the figure, his “pride and joy”, up for sale.
Is it a requirement of being a qualified kitchen and bathroom fitter that you wear a jumper which advertises your tiling skills?
Clearly, the Evening Gazette doesn’t quite command the consumer pulling power everybody thought it did:
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 4 January 2011 (story):
Teessiders snub Billingham ‘Angelina Jolie’ sale
ONE of the world’s most beautiful Hollywood stars has been snubbed by Teessiders.
Despite attracting a flurry of attention on the Gazette’s website after featuring in our paper, few prospective buyers put their money where their mouth was to bid for the beauty. Disappointed by the reaction, Michael, 35, and his wife Julie, of Evesham Way, have now decided she can stay put.
The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter said: “I thought she would have been in popular demand but we did not really get that many offers.
“She folds in half and she is on top of the wardrobe. I don’t know if we will have her on display again, if we get a games room maybe.”
The mum of seven, whose children range in age from 13 to 25, said: “When we got burgled it put the wind up me seeing her there.”
But she said: “I’m quite happy to keep hold of her. In a few years she could be worth a bit more and we can pass her down through the family.”
Julie said her grandaughter Kelsie Willans, three, even has a look of the star. She said: “The cut-out might even go to Kelsie. She will probably look like her because she is gorgeous. She has the same lips.”
Yeah, your grandaughter probably will look like Angelina Jolie, obviously.
And no doubt one day you’re going to try and flog her in the local newspaper too, are you, are you? Shameful stuff.
Sometimes, even the imagination of a booze-soaked fantasist can become the news.
The Shields Gazette, 17 January 2011 (story):
Can you help solve pub mystery?A GAZETTE reader has asked South Tynesiders to help solve a pub ‘mystery’.
The woman hopes someone will remember a watering hole that she believes was built on South Shields seafront in the late 1980s.
But she hasn’t been able to find anyone else who remembers the short-lived bar and is praying someone can shed some light on the pub to “confirm I’m not going mad”.
She said: “After the burning down of Frankie’s Cafe, situated on the seafront in 1988, a new pub was built shortly afterwards, not directly on the same site but close by.
“This, I seem to remember, did not last very long. It may also have burned to the ground, but I do recall being there on one Saturday evening.
“I would love to know what the name of this pub was and maybe see a photograph of it just to confirm that I’m not going mad.”
If you can help solve the mystery of the pub’s identity, call 427 4852.
YER DRUNK, YER MAKING IT UP, AND YER GOING MAD, luv.
Thanks to Dan Coggins.
The Blackpool Gazette never shies away from the big questions:
Despite searching the paper’s website, I’m yet to find the story which might have given rise to this poll. If you’re aware of what possible motivation the staff of the Blackpool Gazette could have for popping the question, please do tell.
I voted yes, obviously.
Cats: some people drop them into wheelie bins, while some people enter them into national competitions. But which is the bigger form of abuse?
Local newspapers love nothing more than printing feel-good stories about domestic pets and their owners, as if we’re remotely interested or something.
Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 22 June 2010 (story):
Redcar cat reaches finals of national competition
IS this Redcar moggy Britain’s most adventurous cat? Joanne Stephens of Redcar is celebrating after her pet, Jerry, leaped into the national finals of the Go-Cat Bobo Awards.
The awards – named after the feline star of Go-Cat’s latest TV ads – are given to the most adventurous cats in Britain.
Now judges have chosen Jerry as one of 12 finalists from nearly 800 entries. And if he wins first prize, he could bag Joanne an African safari to see some really big cats, plus a year’s supply of Go-Cat.
Cheeky Jerry’s habit of following Joanne into the shower is just one escapade which really appealed to the judges. But not content with getting wet, Jerry then runs up and downstairs to shake himself dry.
No way! ‘CHARACTER’ alert…
He also enjoys climbing curtains, pinching pizza and trying to climb out of the bathroom window.
Get out of here! BONKERZ.
He has a habit, too, of hiding Joanne’s belongings in the house – to the point where some items are yet to be recovered.
Merciless thieving little shit. Lock him up.
One of the worst things about the awful British consensus that ‘pets = good’ is, of course, the smug and self-satisfied gobshite tendencies of the people who own them. Just shut up, shut up, shut up. Please shut up. Shut. Up.
Joanne said: “Jerry’s adventures are more often than not, very noisy. If he starts one of his manic escapades in the evening, there isn’t any peace in our house.
“He loves attention when he’s awake and while we’re trying to sleep, he loves playing alarm clocks by running up the stairs with a squeaky rubber toy in his mouth.
“If only you could see him 24/7 you would be so tired!”
Jerry is also in the running to win the Indoor Cat category.
I wonder if Go-Cat will be introducing a Wheelie Bin category next year? Now that could be worth some media coverage…