The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Upstanding locals’ Category

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

leave a comment »

Are there any depths to which humanity will not sink?

Isle of Man Examiner, 27 September 2013 (story):

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Children at Scoill Phurt le Moirrey have been left bemused and upset after three pumpkins they were enjoying seeing grow disappeared.

The largest, about 19 inches in diameter, was going to be used at a harvest festival tomorrow (Friday) in Port St Mary. On Tuesday school caretaker Steve Shepherd discovered they had been taken.

Head teacher Sue Mowle said: ‘Pupils have been left learning a lesson about the effects of what may be a crime.

pupmkinthheft

‘The pumpkin has been grown and nurtured with the intention of taking pride of place in the school’s harvest celebrations which culminate with a harvest service in St Mary’s Church on Friday.

‘Following that service, the flesh of the pumpkin was due to be offered to a cafe for use in their soups and pies while the shell was destined to be used later next month for Hop-tu-naa celebrations organised by the parents, teachers and Friends’ Association.

‘Instead, children are now discussing the effect crime can have on its victims. One of the younger pupils optimistically suggested that maybe the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach. Let’s hope that is the case.’

Police constable Robin Arnold said: ‘While this is not the crime of the century, it has had a negative impact on a group of young primary school kids.’

Yes, head teacher Sue Mowle, figure of authority and respect, let’s hope it was the case that the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach… rather than it being the case that the giant pumpkin was devoured at the Mowle family dinner table. Hmmm? Hmmmmmmm? It was definitely either the head teacher or the caretaker. Some people have no shame.

Whoever did it, they’re a brave person to take on these fierce-faced schoolchildren. Just look at the facial venom of that one on the far right. And is he clenching his fists inside his sleeve? No messin’.

Advertisements

Written by Paddy

October 16, 2013 at 7:02 pm

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl

leave a comment »

As a child I used to get harassed by teen ruffians in my provincial coastal hometown too, but it was only ever over my extraordinary bike stabilisers or extraordinary home haircuts. Never over anything as extraordinary as an owl.

Morecambe Visitor, 25 October 2012 (story): 

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl 

An 11-year-old boy was punched and sprayed with ‘silly string’ by a gang of teenagers – who were trying to steal an owl.

The bird had been taken by the boy and his friend to be displayed at an event just off Morecambe Promenade last Saturday.

The pair were walking along Euston Road between 3pm and 4pm when they were approached by the gang of around 10 teenagers outside Pound Fever.

One of the gang said “Give me your owl,” and adopted a boxing pose.

With an outstretched arm he then sprayed both boys with the silly string while shouting abuse.

The shocked 11-year-old boy, who is from Morecambe, threw his drink at the teen before taking the owl from his friend. He was then twice punched to the side of the head as he and his friend fled in separate directions.

PC Ben Hanley said: “This is a really odd incident.”

Tit for tat + twit twoo = a twit for twat twoo incident, more like.

Written by Paddy

February 18, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Jerk chicken pandemonium

leave a comment »

Who knew that a general fondness for chicken could result in mass pandemonium, defecation in front gardens and, worse, rogue parking? Not the concerned residents of Lewisham.

You would think a museum which calls itself ‘Horniman’ should know the perils of a ‘jerk’.

Lewisham News Shopper, 23 April 2012 (story): 

Museum plans threatened by jerk chicken ‘pandemonium’

A MUSEUM which wants an extension to its booze licence has a fight on its hands from people who remember “pandemonium” when 20,000 jerk chicken fans descended on the premises in 2009.

Hungry masses flocked to the Horniman Museum event, craving a taste of the spicy Caribbean food and tempted by the appearance of Reggae Reggae Sauce founder Levi Roots and kids’ TV favourite Floella Benjamin.

But the Forest Hill museum has pledged people will not see scenes like those again, after it was claimed that roads were gridlocked, cars were parked in residents’ drives, and people brawled in the streets over spaces.

horniman_jerk

Scores of residents have written objection letters to Lewisham Council over new licence plans, one even claiming: “During the festival there were numerous, quite appalling instances of visitors urinating and defecating in residents’ front gardens.”

Terrible scenes, but at least they weren’t jerking in the front garden? Every cloud, etc.

If you don’t think you’ve experienced pandemonium in your life so far, just imagine what it’s like to see people tearing up parking tickets and then having to cancel a family meal, because that’s apparently what pandemonium is.

David Lister, 67 of Sydenham Rise, told News Shopper chaos was caused by the museum’s lack of parking facilities.

He said: “The jerk festival was pandemonium. People were just tearing parking tickets up and throwing them in the air.

“I had to cancel my family coming to dinner because people had parked in my drive. There were even cars on the lawn.”

ARRRGGHHH! CARS on the LAWN!!!

Thank you to Gez Daring.

Written by Paddy

January 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Bastard pensioner targets bastard aristocrats

with one comment

It’s excellent to see the sophisticated OAPs of the north-east beginning to take direct action where it matters.

The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story):

Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family

POLICE have been alerted after a pensioner who changed his name to Bastard threatened to ruin the wedding of a North-East aristocrat.

Michael McNamara, 71, has vowed to disrupt the wedding service of Lady Katie Percy, the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland.

The pensioner wrote to Lady Katie – a friend of Prince William and Kate Middleton – to say he and a gang of relatives would turn up at the event.

Mr McNamara, who in recent years changed his name by Deed Poll to Michael ”Bastard” McNamara, said he was warned he faced arrest if he caused trouble.

What on earth could have led to this Bastard developing such a grudge against his rich and privileged bastard neighbours? A water supply, of course.

It is believed Mr McNamara developed a grudge against the Percy family following a dispute over the water supply at his home.

He has bombarded the Duke and Duchess, and Northumbria Police, with foul-mouthed and insulting postcards for many years.

He told The Journal in Newcastle: ”I’ve sent postcards to the police all my life. The Duchess used to get one every year but I sent one to her and her daughter last Friday.

”The police just said ‘How would you like it if they sent it to me?’

”I told them I was going to the wedding and they said that if I went I was going to get arrested. I said, ‘I will see you at the wedding’.”

No messin’. Hats off. Go on you Bastard!

Thanks to Nick Henegan.

Written by Paddy

March 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Stinkogeddon in Spalding

leave a comment »

The stench of mystery is plaguing the market town of Spalding, Lincolnshire. This could be the whodunnit to end all whodunnits.

Spalding Guardian, 13 January 2011 (story):

Police bid to catch Spalding stink bomber

POLICE are hunting a hooded man in his 50s who is targeting charity shops with stink bombs.

The man – in his 50s – repeatedly preys on the Cancer Research shop in Hall Place and the Lincolnshire and Nottinghamshire Air Ambulance shop in Sheepmarket.

The stink bombs smell like rotten eggs and the stench is so powerful that customers arriving at the shops are opening the door and going away again.

Lisa Winkley, manager of the Cancer Research shop, said the stink bombs are usually let off amongst the books on the ground floor.

Staff have to throw books away and the foul smell fills the retail area and both upper floors.

Mrs Winkley said: “It’s absolutely disgusting. It’s foul. It has a smell of its own.

“Last time we caught it in time – he didn’t manage to break it properly and I was able to get the stink bomb out. I chucked it in our bin outside.”

Whoever smelt it dealt it.

It’s hard to know what the Spalding Stink Bomber’s motive could possibly be. Perhaps he regards his campaign of olfactory vandalism as a legitimate form of direct political action in protest at the government’s overburdening of the charity sector as part of its ‘Big Society’ cuts agenda. That would be fair enough.

More cynically, I can’t help suspecting this whole thing has merely been cooked up by the charity shop staff in order to conceal their own unconscionable levels of flatulence.

Whoever denied it supplied it.

The attacks began last summer and, after a brief lull, they began again with a vengeance – often on Wednesdays.

Celia Laverton, manager of the air ambulance shop, said: “It’s happening at least once a week now.”

The stench lingers for around 45 minutes – and that’s after she’s opened the door, switched on fans, sprayed air fresheners and lit incense cones.

Mrs Winkley said her regular customers are now so used to the stink bomb attacks that they continue to shop – but others simply walk away after opening the front door.

PC Paul Smith, Spalding town centre beat manager, said he’s seen isolated incidents of youngsters letting off stink bombs in shops as a prank but in 22 years of policing has never come across a concerted campaign like this against charity shops.

He said: “If the gentleman has got a problem with the shops then I would say please bring it forward properly and stop picking on charity shops who are trying to collect money for charitable causes.”

If the police ever catch this stink-bombing scoundrel, then the most appropriate course of action would surely be to let him off. Boom boom, thank you, and goodnight.

Thanks to Paul Widdowfield for kicking up a stink and submitting this story.

Written by Paddy

January 24, 2011 at 2:48 pm

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named…

with one comment

‘Got the hump’! Ahahahahaha…!! Haaarggghh!

Clearly, all that journalism training really served this Bridgwater Mercury reporter very well indeed.

Bridgwater Mercury, 7 January 2011 (story):

Woman gets stuck after taking ‘short cut’

THE driver of this car got the hump – after trying to take a short cut out of a car park near Bridgwater.

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named, told the Mercury she felt “pretty stupid” after getting stuck on this grass hump after trying to take a more direct exit from a car park in Dunball. Passing farmers Tom Woodhouse and Andrew Bateman came to the rescue and towed the Renault Clio out.

Mr Bateman said: “Us farmers aren’t all that bad. We’ve helped a few people out of ditches, but I’ve never come across anyone silly enough to try to go over a mound.”

Oh dear. This, of course, opens the floodgates for allsorts of openly sexist automobile ridicule. But still, how typical of a woman driver to make a mountain out of a mound-hill.

Written by Paddy

January 12, 2011 at 1:10 pm

Worms in the news…

with 2 comments

…it simply doesn’t happen enough.

Dunfermline Press, 29 October 2010 (story):

Harry’s war on the worms!

A ROSYTH gardener fears he may never win his war against an invasive garden pest – despite killing more than 3000 of them at his allotment in eight years.

Harry Boyle (78), Mitchell Walk, is attempting to rid his plot of the New Zealand flatworm. The creatures feed on the common earthworm resulting in reduced soil quality.

Harry has had his plot at Rosyth allotments, King’s Road, for 40 years but only noticed the ugly little worms in 1998.

In 2002 he decided to keep a tally of all those he killed.

This tallying of victims is a classic trait of a cold-blooded serial killer. It starts with worms, but who next? One look into these piercing, deadened eyes, and there can be little doubt it will soon be the other allotment holders:

Scientific fact alert: if you can breed canaries, you can count flatworms no bother!

He said, “I used to breed canaries for 30 years so counting flatworms is no bother.

“I fill a diary in each day and I’ve killed 10 today!

So far he has killed 3100 of the flatworms but remains puzzled as to why they continue to blight his plot despite his single-minded efforts to destroy them.

This is exactly how Nazi Germany started.

Wiggly thanks to Ian McColville for turning the soil of this story in his local paper.

Written by Paddy

November 9, 2010 at 11:46 am

%d bloggers like this: