The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Stalkers’ Category

Forget ASBO Britain, it’s ASBO Britney

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It’s been a while since The Nether Regions tackled the subject of harmless old men bearing their thighs for lucky members of the public. Dirty old men, how we have missed you.

Northampton Chronicle, 2 February 2010 (story):

‘Britney Spears’ cross-dresser charged with breaking ASBO banning him from wearing schoolgirl outfit in public

A cross-dresser has appeared in court charged with breaching an anti-social behaviour  order which bans him from loitering outside primary schools in Northampton wearing a Britney Spears-style schoolgirl uniform.

Peter Trigger, aged 60, of Farndon Close in Thorplands, was barred from baring his legs in public during the school run under the terms of his five-year ASBO, which was imposed by magistrates in December 2008.

Parents walking with their children to nearby Woodvale Primary School had claimed Trigger had bent over, shown his bare thighs and indicated he was wearing no underwear.

He is banned from wearing a skirt or showing bare legs on a school day between 8.30am and 10am and between 2.45pm and 4pm.

When the initial order was made, Northampton Borough Council said he was entitled to wear whatever he wanted, but not if it caused “alarm or distress” to the public.

My alarm or distress is killing me… and I, I must confess…

He’s definitely still more sane than the real Britney, mind you.

Written by Paddy

September 2, 2010 at 11:24 am

‘We are coping with the situation and have been able to keep the carvery in operation’

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The frenzied, overworked nature of modern day journalism means news reporters must ensure they have no flies on them.

Except, that is, for when their paper sends them to cover a plague of flies. This signalled the collapse of society in the unfortunate Lancashire villages of New Longton and Whitestake.

Thanks to swat spotter Lucy Longhurst for the story.

Lancashire Evening Post, 20 July 2010 (story):

Village plagued by flies

Millions of flies are making life a misery for villagers in rural Lancashire.

A local pub has been forced to slash its opening hours and families in New Longton and Whitestake say they are under siege from swarms of insects. It has become so bad The Farmers Arms, in Wham Lane, is closing at certain times of the day.

And a customer from Penwortham, who visited on Saturday, said: “The girls in there were swatting the flies away. They are opening for a few hours, then closing.

“It got worse and worse and we ended up having to rush our meal.”

Argggghh, indigestion!

Thankfully, the locals aren’t ones to moan:

John Capstick, who runs Buena Vista Furniture Services in nearby Long Moss Lane, said: “It’s been absolutely awful.The floors are littered with them. They get into everything.”

Claire Sutton, from Orchard Avenue, said: “Rooms were covered in flies and there’s a constant buzzing noise. We vacuumed up 114 in one night.”

Neighbour Anne Carter added: “We are killing hundreds a night. They’re everywhere.”

And childminder Deborah Lonsdale added: “It’s been horrendous. “I’ve lived here 22 years and never seen anything like this. Something has got to be done.”

A spokesman for brewery Mitchells and Butlers said: “We are coping with the situation and have been able to keep the carvery in operation … with a full clean down of the pub and carvery in between each service.”

The carvery must go on. Finally, a bit of Blitz Spirit.

Written by Paddy

July 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

Posted in Bravery, Stalkers

Immortalised in Lego

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Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has enough on her plate without this.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 9 April 2010 (story):

Darlington student makes Lego Amy Winehouse

SINGER Amy Winehouse has been immortalised in Lego thanks to a budding artist. Justin Ramsden has been fascinated by Lego since he discovered the joy of destroying his brother’s models as a boy.

Now as an art and design student at Queen Elizabeth Sixth Form College, in Darlington, Justin believes Lego is more than a children’s toy – it can be used as a powerful art form.

As part of his BTEC course in art and design Justin chose to design a full-sized bust of a British icon out of 3,000 pieces of Lego.

He said:  “I’ve been a fan for a while and she is quite cult British even though she does mess her life around so I decided to build Amy”, said Justin, 19, from Darlington.

The article’s dubious claim that it’s possible to be ‘immortalised in Lego’ is further discredited towards the end of the report:

Justin can’t afford to keep the models he has made and has to destroy them so he has enough Lego for his next project.

This is just typical of Britain’s ‘build them up to knock them down’ attitude towards celebrity.

And this online comment is wonderfully typical of Britain’s attitude towards students, drugs, sense of nationhood, and toilets.

Written by Paddy

April 11, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Twisting my melon

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We’ve all heard of following people, hanging around outside their house, bombarding them with text messages or superimposing their head onto a photo of your pet dog astride your lap, but there’s a brand new method of stalking emerging from East Anglia…

Norwich Evening News, 24 February 2010 (story):

Man put melon through ex-partner’s cat-flap

A woman was subjected to four and a half years of harassment by her ex-partner, who banged on her windows virtually every day, put love letters in her post, and finally pushed half a melon through her catflap.

William Sim, 55, appeared at Norwich Magistrates’ Court yesterday for sentencing, after earlier pleading guilty to harassing ex-partner Carole Lees. […]

Ben Brighouse, prosecuting, said that Sim, who lives near her in council properties in Peterkin Road, Tuckswood, Norwich, had continued to harass her.

Mr Brighouse said: “She has had continuous problems with Mr Sim not letting go.

“He banged on her windows and doors every other day. He bangs so hard she’s scared the windows will break.

“He shouts at her ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and ‘Why don’t you want me?’ and uses his mother’s phone to ring her. She has been in a relationship since but that did not work out because of this problem.

“He’s always drunk when he does it and two weeks ago he put half a melon through her catflap, because he said he thought she might like some fruit. When she received the melon she said she found it very strange.”

In the olden days, it was perfectly normal to deliver fruity gifts to neighbours and loved ones without the beady eye of suspicion looking down on you. You can’t do anything these days. It’s political correctness gone even madder.

Written by Paddy

March 11, 2010 at 10:34 am

Posted in Stalkers

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