The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Murderous locals’ Category

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg

leave a comment »

On the day that pinstripe-boned fuckwit Nigel Farage was egged in Nottingham by a protester, he should just count himself lucky he wasn’t anywhere near Cambridge and this confectionery-wielding eggy menace.

Cambridge News, 22 January 2014 (story):

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg 

A drunk man who brandished a creme egg as a weapon in Cambridge is due to be sentenced next month.

Michael Hampson, 34, of Maitland Avenue, Cambridge, pleaded guilty at Cambridge Magistrates’ Court on Monday to harassing people in the city centre on consecutive days last week.

Paul Brown, prosecuting, told the court:  “Then the next day he went up to a member of the public, Charlie Russell, on Mill Road at around 12.45pm and went to block his path. Hampson said to him, ‘Where I come from we kill people for a living’.

“Hampson was brandishing a bottle and he lifted it up towards Mr Russell and said, ‘I will glass anyone who disrespects me’.

“He then showed Mr Russell a Cadbury Creme Egg and said he would smash him in the face with it and that he will splatter Creme Egg all over his head.

“He then tried to shake Mr Russell’s hand – and said he was being disrespectful because he was wearing gloves.”

Mr Russell eventually got away and called the police.

Officers found Hampson in possession of a full bottle of Desperados beer and a Cadbury Creme Egg.

A bottle of Desperados and a Creme Egg is a revealing choice of daytime feast for a man who kills people for a living. You’ll want to keep an eye out for that particular combo next time you’re selecting a park bench on your dinner break.


Written by Paddy

May 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm

“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

leave a comment »

In English law, the whole concept of law itself is redundant where defence of one’s property is concerned. Since Tony Martin, British public opinion – the only meaningful barometer of what is right and just – is on the side of giving total freedom for homeowners to murder fellow human beings if they’re not welcome in their house. Some choose to customise the wiring of the reclining armchairs in their living rooms so they can double up as domestic electric chairs for the purposes of meting out the ultimate home-made justice on any unwanted intruders. The justice system will simply turn a blind eye.

In Romford, one homeowner is extending this legal principle to tackling the squirrel menace.

Romford Recorder, 19 March 2013 (story):

House fire started by a squirrel disrupts funeral procession through Romford

A funeral car broke rank mid-procession and sped off toward its passenger’s house – where a squirrel had started a fire.

Friend of the deceased and former Havering councillor Alby Tebbutt, 73, was in the final car of a procession in Brentwood Road in the afternoon of Friday, March 8, when he received an unwelcome phone call.

“I had a fellow in my house putting a new bathroom in,” he told the Recorder. “He had the window open and saw smoke coming out the garage roof.

“So he rang the fire brigade and then rang me.”

Mr Tebbutt initially believed the caller was pulling his leg – but as it dawned on him the fire was no wind-up he realised he had to get home, funeral or no funeral.

“I said to the driver: ‘I’m telling you, my house is on fire. Go left here.’

“The driver said: ‘I can’t go left – I’m in a funeral.’

“I said: ‘Never mind that. Turn left.’”

A fire brigade spokesman said the mischievous rodent had chewed through the cable of a fluorescent light, sparking an electrical fire that quickly spread through the garage.


“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

“It’s nuts to think that squirrels can start fires, but that’s exactly what happened here,” he admitted. “We think it was nesting in the garage and caused the blaze by chewing through some cables.”

Self-proclaimed “animal lover” Mr Tebbutt said he was nearing the end of his tether with the rodents.

“I put nuts out for the birds but the squirrels keep eating them,” he revealed. “Whatever contraption I put up, they seem to beat me. It’s a battle between me and the squirrels.

“I put up with that but now they’ve set my house on fire I’ve decided I’m going to shoot them all.”

Thank heavens we were less trigger happy in the Cold War.

Written by Paddy

April 2, 2013 at 4:02 pm

%d bloggers like this: