The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Moral outrage’ Category

Gay marriage and duck world domination

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The letters pages of local newspapers are renowned as bastions of logic and reason. However, perhaps things are going downhill a bit.

And the Nether Regions Award for  Least Original and Imaginative Attack on Same-sex Marriage goes to Graham Wanstall in the Dover Express.

letter homophobia - dover express

Alright, wise owl.

Meanwhile, this letter found its way into an issue of Northern Outlook, ‘north Canterbury’s best read community newspaper’. It can’t be criticised  for lacking originality but can be criticised for fucking with your head.

letter homophobia 2

Completely quackers. This homeschooled abomination is surely the greatest possible advert for secular state comprehensive education.

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Written by Paddy

January 9, 2014 at 3:41 pm

The diners proceeded to try to eat around the phallus

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A business dinner with ‘key members of a pharmaceutical company’ might not sound like a barrel of laughs, but you can always cling to the hope that the restaurant might serve you up a massive cock and balls.

Sevenoaks Chronicle, 14 February 2013 (story):

‘It’s not our produest moment’ admits eatery

WHEN staff at a Chinese restaurant served a saucy dish at an important business dinner, the reaction was decidedly sour.

Diners, including Sevenoaks resident Ashley Strong, were stunned at being presented with a giant carrot and seaweed dish resembling a man’s genitalia.

sevenoaksphallus

Now the owner of the eatery – Ming near Borough Green – has apologised after the prank backfired.

Key members of a pharmaceutical company were meeting their biggest client last Thursday night when they were presented with the bizarre starter.

Ms Strong, of Mill Pond Close, was one of the group of 11, but when they ordered eight set Peking meals from the menu to share, instead of a full 11, she claimed staff took offence and added the shocking centrepiece to their table.

Ms Strong, a director of the Larkfield firm, explained: “Most of the time in Chinese restaurants they do table decorations carved out of vegetables, like flowers, or ducks – something tasteful.

“But when our food arrived, we got something different.”

Ming staff had taken a large carrot, standing upright in the middle of a dish of mixed hors d’oeuvres, with seaweed arranged around it, to depict a man’s private parts.

“There was no question what it was meant to be,” Ms Strong.

“It had all the anatomy. We were absolutely shocked – it was so inappropriate.”

Embarrassed, the diners laughed awkwardly and proceeded to try to eat around the phallus.

“We didn’t say anything because we didn’t want to make a big fuss when we had our biggest client with us,” Ms Strong said.

Not to mention the ‘biggest client’ in the middle of the table, right lads!!!!?!

Whilst prepared to offer an apology of sorts to these po-faced pharmaceutical fucks, the restaurant boss pledges to continue serving up the goods. Hats off.

Ken Wong, manager of Ming Restaurant, denied that the decoration was in response to the table ordering for eight.

“We wanted to make them happy, I am sorry they were embarrassed.

“If they come back I will tell the chef not to do it again, though we will keep doing it for other parties, and special occasions like new year and Valentine’s Day.”

Ms Strong said she will never return to Ming after her firm’s embarrassing experience.

A real cock and balls story.

Written by Paddy

June 14, 2013 at 2:53 pm

Stumbling from Cleethorpes and into a ‘grim internet world’

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Question: What do you do in that moment of blind panic when your 12-year-old son stumbles upon the secret world of vice and illegality you thought was well hidden on the family computer?

Options: (a) confess all, (b) slip your son a fiver to keep quiet, or (c) report it to the police, write to the Home Secretary, and parade you and your son in the pages of the local paper with Gazette Faces in order to prove it’s got nothing to do with your own online browsing habits.

Grimsby Telegraph, 19 January 2013 (story):

‘Dark web’ warning to parents as Cleethorpes boy stumbles on grim internet world

A 12-YEAR-old boy from Cleethorpes stumbled across an internet underworld selling guns and sex with underage girls while looking for games online.

His appalled father now wants to spread the word to other parents and has even written to the Home Secretary about it.

Image

Robert Palmer, 53, of Arundel Place, Cleethorpes, was horrified when his son Morgan, who suffers from Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), told him what he had unearthed.

The computer whiz had found an ominous tutorial, explaining how to download a different web server, which he did, that unveiled the whole section of the internet not available to normal users.

Services advertised on the dark web include guns, contract killers, drugs, credit card skimmers, sex, child and animal pornography and identities for sale, which can be bought using an online currency called Bitcoins.

Sounds like  a whole Narnia of sin. Not one to be selfish, the concerned moral crusader was keen to share news of this ‘whole section of the internet not available to normal users’ with other parents.

Mr Palmer said: “There is nothing you can’t get on there and some of it is pretty grim, so I think that other parents should know about it.

“Young people could get hold of drugs without even meeting a drug dealer, which is worrying. Morgan is sensible and luckily he told me.

Mr Palmer, who writes computer programmes himself, contacted Humberside Police but was told nothing could be done – although they have offered advice to parents and assured them that calls will be taken seriously.

Frustrated, he has written to Home Secretary Theresa May about the dark web, urging her to take action to protect the public from such blatant illegality.

Morgan, a gifted pupil at Cleethorpes Academy, said: “This is the mother-load of criminal websites – some of the things on there are appalling. I knew what it was straight away so I went to get my dad.”

It’s a bit out of order for little Morgan to drag his mother into this sordid episode.

Written by Paddy

March 11, 2013 at 3:26 pm

Dildos and don’ts

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The Great British High Street is in decline. Not just an economic collapse, but a slide into full-blown moral degeneracy. You might have thought that Boots was a brand you could trust but, as this picture shows, it’s causing some very serious faces in Bracknell.

Phwoar correspondent

Our modern-day Mary Whitehouse is acupuncturist mum-of-three from Crowthorne, Alison Savory (or ‘Savoury’ as we say in England). Well this moral crusader might be ‘Savory’, but her story is quite the opposite.

Get Bracknell, 14 January 2013 (story)

Horrified mum boycotts Boots after children pick up sex toy

A disgusted mum is boycotting high street chemist Boots after she found her children playing with a sex toy near the checkouts.

Alison Savory wrote to Boots chief executive Alex Gourlay after her sons, aged six and eight, picked up a purple Durex vibrator displayed ‘prominently’ in the store.

When a headline begins “Horrified mum boycotts Boots after children pick up sex…”, you should really count yourself lucky when the next word is “toy”. It could have been worse.

I don’t know how a shop might display a giant purple phallus in a non-prominent fashion – perhaps they would have been better hidden amongst the electric toothbrushes. If you want to see a more subtle display of vibrating erotica, you could always check the pub toilet vending machines (between the condoms and the breathmints). Anyway, Mrs Savo(u)ry undertook the only course of action available to the outraged: a stern letter.

She wrote to say she was ‘deeply disappointed’ a family company was contributing to the ‘erosion’ and urged him to consider whether the products and product placement were appropriate.

It’s spelled ‘erection’.

Unfortunately it all proved to be a total waste of time, effort, and paper. Boots replied to explain that the items were displayed to “demystify customers”. This prompted an alarmed Mrs Savo(u)ry to declare:

I don’t want my children demystified in Boots.

Well nobody enjoys being demystified in Boots, but that’s why they provide private consulting rooms next to the pharmacy.

demistifier

A windscreen demystifier, yesterday.

So now the boycott is on, and Alison will have to go elsewhere for her paracetamol, holiday first-aid supplies and reasonably-priced lunchtime meal deals. As an acupuncturist by trade, you’d think Mrs Savory would be familiar with the medicinal deployment of pricks. Maybe she’s just worried about the competition.

Written by Thomas

January 18, 2013 at 11:00 am

Posted in Moral outrage

Jerk chicken pandemonium

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Who knew that a general fondness for chicken could result in mass pandemonium, defecation in front gardens and, worse, rogue parking? Not the concerned residents of Lewisham.

You would think a museum which calls itself ‘Horniman’ should know the perils of a ‘jerk’.

Lewisham News Shopper, 23 April 2012 (story): 

Museum plans threatened by jerk chicken ‘pandemonium’

A MUSEUM which wants an extension to its booze licence has a fight on its hands from people who remember “pandemonium” when 20,000 jerk chicken fans descended on the premises in 2009.

Hungry masses flocked to the Horniman Museum event, craving a taste of the spicy Caribbean food and tempted by the appearance of Reggae Reggae Sauce founder Levi Roots and kids’ TV favourite Floella Benjamin.

But the Forest Hill museum has pledged people will not see scenes like those again, after it was claimed that roads were gridlocked, cars were parked in residents’ drives, and people brawled in the streets over spaces.

horniman_jerk

Scores of residents have written objection letters to Lewisham Council over new licence plans, one even claiming: “During the festival there were numerous, quite appalling instances of visitors urinating and defecating in residents’ front gardens.”

Terrible scenes, but at least they weren’t jerking in the front garden? Every cloud, etc.

If you don’t think you’ve experienced pandemonium in your life so far, just imagine what it’s like to see people tearing up parking tickets and then having to cancel a family meal, because that’s apparently what pandemonium is.

David Lister, 67 of Sydenham Rise, told News Shopper chaos was caused by the museum’s lack of parking facilities.

He said: “The jerk festival was pandemonium. People were just tearing parking tickets up and throwing them in the air.

“I had to cancel my family coming to dinner because people had parked in my drive. There were even cars on the lawn.”

ARRRGGHHH! CARS on the LAWN!!!

Thank you to Gez Daring.

Written by Paddy

January 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Paedogeddon in Bromley

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Trying to think of reasons to object to a planning application to convert a house into a nursery? Traffic, obviously… Noise, of course… And sod it, throw in paedophiles for good measure.

Back with a vengeance: ANGRY residents. How we have missed you.

Thanks to Tabloid Watch for the photo.

Bromley News Shopper, 31 October 2010 (story):

ANGRY residents are campaigning against a house being turned into a nursery because they fear it will increase noise and traffic and could attract paedophiles.

Sunnyfields Day Nurseries Ltd has applied to Bromley Council for permission to turn residential house number 5 Pickhurst Park in Bromley into a nursery for up to 52 children. Around 30 people living nearby have written to the council and more than 140 have signed a petition to oppose the application.

Mum-of-two Natalie Rooney, aged 30, said: “We think there will be traffic problems because of all the parents dropping off and picking up their children.

“We think there will be noise problems because the children will be playing outdoors. We are also worried that paedophiles will be attracted to the area to be close to the nursery.”

Shariff and Hussaina Syed, aged 69 and 61, live next door to number 5, and they fear paedophiles could move into the flats overlooking the property to be close to the children.

Mrs Syed, 61, said: “There are flats overlooking and people could move in there and watch the children. It is a possibility it could happen.”

But why stop at paedophile possibilities? (Now there’s a question.) It is a possibility that rumours of a new ‘nursery’ in the area could attract wayward gardeners, who are, frankly, always very annoying.  It is a possibility the conversion work may involve wolf-whistling builders. It is a possibility one of the nursery tots could strap themselves up with explosives and detonate youthful carnage in the playground, causing minor damage to residents’ vehicles parked nearby.

THESE are the objections the residents should be raising if they’re serious about defeating this nursery application.

While we’re here: shame on the Bromley News Shopper‘s sub-editors for resorting to Daily Express headlines in order to try and shift copies.

Written by Paddy

November 15, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Insert cock joke here

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This isn’t the first time a cock has been pulled for a bird’s benefit.

Gloucestershire Echo, 7 October 2010 (story):

Terrified cockerel pulled from wheelie bin

A FRIGHTENED cockerel is lucky to be alive after being rescued from a wheelie bin outside a block of flats in Gloucester.

After an ordeal similar to that of Lola the cat – seen on CCTV being dumped in a Coventry bin – the flustered bird in Gloucester was rescued by a resident.

The abandoned animal – named Freddie – was found in a bin at the end of a driveway in The Limes, Barnwood, on Tuesday.

The bin had been left out for collection, but luckily the frantic bird was found by a resident before the bin men arrived.

Right, close your eyes… imagine you’re a junior news reporter on a local paper, i.e. the one who will get lumbered with a story like this. You need to build your story around some hysterical quotes, clearly, but who do you go to?

The RSPCA? Well, obviously.

RSPCA inspector Josie Oak said: “I am disgusted that someone has placed a living animal inside a wheelie bin and am keen to hear from anyone who knows who was responsible.”

A local councillor? OK, if you must…

Barnwood councillor Phil McLellan said: “It’s pretty appalling that someone could dump a live bird in a bin like that.

A poultry farmer? Sounds reasonable enough.

A poultry farmer based near Gloucester, who didn’t want to give her name, described the act as “despicable”.

A representative from a local ‘egg-hatching business’ called wehatchanyegg.com? Surely that would just be shameless advertising and definitely a step too far for civilisation… no, it can’t be done.

Kirsty Tallon, from Stroud-based egg hatching business wehatchanyegg.com, said: “I’m really shocked that anyone could do something like that. However it happened, it’s not the sort of thing anyone should be doing to any animal.”

Oh dear.

Thanks to Gez Daring for sharing his cock-pulling with the group.

Written by Paddy

October 11, 2010 at 11:39 am

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