The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Justice’ Category

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg

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On the day that pinstripe-boned fuckwit Nigel Farage was egged in Nottingham by a protester, he should just count himself lucky he wasn’t anywhere near Cambridge and this confectionery-wielding eggy menace.

Cambridge News, 22 January 2014 (story):

Drinker threatened man with Creme Egg 

A drunk man who brandished a creme egg as a weapon in Cambridge is due to be sentenced next month.

Michael Hampson, 34, of Maitland Avenue, Cambridge, pleaded guilty at Cambridge Magistrates’ Court on Monday to harassing people in the city centre on consecutive days last week.

Paul Brown, prosecuting, told the court:  “Then the next day he went up to a member of the public, Charlie Russell, on Mill Road at around 12.45pm and went to block his path. Hampson said to him, ‘Where I come from we kill people for a living’.

“Hampson was brandishing a bottle and he lifted it up towards Mr Russell and said, ‘I will glass anyone who disrespects me’.

“He then showed Mr Russell a Cadbury Creme Egg and said he would smash him in the face with it and that he will splatter Creme Egg all over his head.

“He then tried to shake Mr Russell’s hand – and said he was being disrespectful because he was wearing gloves.”

Mr Russell eventually got away and called the police.

Officers found Hampson in possession of a full bottle of Desperados beer and a Cadbury Creme Egg.

A bottle of Desperados and a Creme Egg is a revealing choice of daytime feast for a man who kills people for a living. You’ll want to keep an eye out for that particular combo next time you’re selecting a park bench on your dinner break.

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Written by Paddy

May 1, 2014 at 6:15 pm

“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

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In English law, the whole concept of law itself is redundant where defence of one’s property is concerned. Since Tony Martin, British public opinion – the only meaningful barometer of what is right and just – is on the side of giving total freedom for homeowners to murder fellow human beings if they’re not welcome in their house. Some choose to customise the wiring of the reclining armchairs in their living rooms so they can double up as domestic electric chairs for the purposes of meting out the ultimate home-made justice on any unwanted intruders. The justice system will simply turn a blind eye.

In Romford, one homeowner is extending this legal principle to tackling the squirrel menace.

Romford Recorder, 19 March 2013 (story):

House fire started by a squirrel disrupts funeral procession through Romford

A funeral car broke rank mid-procession and sped off toward its passenger’s house – where a squirrel had started a fire.

Friend of the deceased and former Havering councillor Alby Tebbutt, 73, was in the final car of a procession in Brentwood Road in the afternoon of Friday, March 8, when he received an unwelcome phone call.

“I had a fellow in my house putting a new bathroom in,” he told the Recorder. “He had the window open and saw smoke coming out the garage roof.

“So he rang the fire brigade and then rang me.”

Mr Tebbutt initially believed the caller was pulling his leg – but as it dawned on him the fire was no wind-up he realised he had to get home, funeral or no funeral.

“I said to the driver: ‘I’m telling you, my house is on fire. Go left here.’

“The driver said: ‘I can’t go left – I’m in a funeral.’

“I said: ‘Never mind that. Turn left.’”

A fire brigade spokesman said the mischievous rodent had chewed through the cable of a fluorescent light, sparking an electrical fire that quickly spread through the garage.

shoothtesquirrels

“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

“It’s nuts to think that squirrels can start fires, but that’s exactly what happened here,” he admitted. “We think it was nesting in the garage and caused the blaze by chewing through some cables.”

Self-proclaimed “animal lover” Mr Tebbutt said he was nearing the end of his tether with the rodents.

“I put nuts out for the birds but the squirrels keep eating them,” he revealed. “Whatever contraption I put up, they seem to beat me. It’s a battle between me and the squirrels.

“I put up with that but now they’ve set my house on fire I’ve decided I’m going to shoot them all.”

Thank heavens we were less trigger happy in the Cold War.

Written by Paddy

April 2, 2013 at 4:02 pm

Sick and tyred

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As dozens of vehicles career off Canvey Island’s roads as a result of loose tyres, all the locals can do is moan about  the ruddy mess.

Southend Echo, 24 February 2011 (story):

Just who is the phantom tyre dumper?

A COUNCIL has been urged to use spy powers to help find the now notorious Canvey tyre dumper.

Another 25 tyres have been dumped on the island, this time in Haven Road and near the entrance to a caravan park.

More than 1,000 tyres have been dumped over a series of nights since mid-December, but so far the police and council have failed to catch the culprit.

Jane King, Canvey Island Independent Party councillor for Canvey West, believes Castle Point Council should use any available law to find the person responsible.

“Something must be done, because Canvey shouldn’t be a dumping ground. These tyres are costing the tax payer a fortune to get rid of.”

Oh look, here comes the obligatory single-issue local politican, no doubt hoping to make a name for themselves where others fear to tread.

Oh, and look, here’s the obligatory concerned local resident who only gets worked up about the odd bit of litter despite all of the more pressing evils in society:

Elizabeth Swann spotted the latest pile of tyres when she left her home in Haven Road on Monday morning.

She said: “I saw all these tyres on the side of the road, and thought, ‘Oh no, not again’.

“We had the same thing here about a fortnight ago, although that time they left them all scattered down the road. This time they’d been left in a neater pile.”

Ah, finally, these cold hearted and conniving tyre-dumping bastards have found it in their hearts to leave their rubbery deposits in a neat pile. Just goes to show that even fly-tippers have a conscience.

Thanks to Roddy Campbell for leaving this mess of a story in a neat pile in my Inbox.

Written by Paddy

March 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

Horse pervert admits stroking ponies

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Hmmm, “barred from approaching tethered animals”… the implication seems to be that this prolific horse botherer is free to have his wicked way with untethered ones, provided he can catch them first. Encouraging equine foreplay rituals seems like an odd form of justice if you ask me.

The Northern Echo, 17 February 2011 (story):

Horse pervert is spared jail again

A CONVICTED sex offender narrowly avoided being sent to prison yesterday after he admitted stroking ponies – despite a court ban.

Retired farmworker David Chamberlin was barred from approaching tethered animals as part of an order after he admitted outraging public decency by committing a lewd act with a horse in 2009.

In 2009, he was caught when the owner of the horse spotted Chamberlin acting suspiciously in a field in Billingham, near Stockton. The farmer saw the animal’s head being pulled down towards Chamberlin’s groin.

Shocked and disgusted, he hit Chamberlin with a stick, which caused the horse to run off, dragging Chamberlin across the field.

Long serving readers may recall this character’s previous appearance on The nether regions in relation to the previous lewd act in 2009. His inimitable shabby-red-jacket-and-fag-in-mouth combo is unforgettable:

The best thing about this story is this extraordinary set of comments from the District Judge.

District Judge Kristina Harrison said: “I find it very strange behaviour that any man would want to stick his penis in a horse’s mouth, quite frankly.”

“By being on bail for a long time, he seems to have moved on from horses to prostitutes which is not a particularly good development.

“He has got to refrain from behaving in the manner that he does. I would like to stop him behaving in a bizarre sexual fashion.”

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back in the press gallery.

Thanks to Nick Henegan for this story.

Written by Paddy

March 1, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Posted in Flashers, Justice

Hair today, suspended from the Town Council tomorrow

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Reasons why Town Councils simply should not be  allowed to exist #743: this story.

Reasons why Town Councils are an essential part of Our Way of Life #3: this most extraordinary of wigs…

The Northern Echo, 14 January 2011 (story):

Council chair dispute settled

A COUNCILLOR was suspended for a month yesterday after a tribunal ruled on an argument over who was first sitting in a chair.

Councillor Billy Blenkinsopp’s suspension marks the end of a 16- month row with Councillor Dorothy Bowman which he estimates has cost the taxpayer £50,000.

The pair, both members of Great Aycliffe Town Council, fell out when Coun Bowman sat down at a town council meeting on September 9, 2009.

While councillors do not have reserved seats they often sit in the same place, and Coun Blenkinsopp believed Coun Bowman was sitting in someone else’s chair.

The tribunal found that Coun Blenkinsopp told Coun Bowman to “p*** off” which he denied – claiming he told her to “get down her own end”.

Is that a euphemism? If so, I’m sure we can all agree such actions should have no place in a council chamber.

Turns out he’s a Lib Dem: hardly a surprise, given their recent behaviour in general. I wonder if this kind of thing is increasingly common around the Cabinet table in No. 10?

Yesterday’s tribunal was held after Coun Blenkinsopp, a former jockey who has served on various councils for 24 years, appealed against the three-month ban.

Coun Blenkinsopp told the tribunal that “tradition dictates” he, as deputy leader, should sit next to Bob Fleming, the then leader of the town council, as he had done that evening.

Coun Bowman said she had gone to sit in her usual place, next door but one to the leader, which she claimed prompted Coun Blenkinsopp’s four-letter out burst.

There’s something not quite right about describing a mere use of ‘piss’ as a “four-letter outburst”. Maybe if suspended Liberal Democrat Councillor Billy Blenkinsopp had gone for a ‘fuck’, a ‘twat’, a ‘cunt’ or a ‘COCK’, yes, but not just a ‘piss’, surely? Oh, and hello to those of you who are just joining us via Google.

A grateful tip of the wig to Nicky Sawicki for unearthing this gem.

Written by Paddy

January 20, 2011 at 12:27 pm

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named…

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‘Got the hump’! Ahahahahaha…!! Haaarggghh!

Clearly, all that journalism training really served this Bridgwater Mercury reporter very well indeed.

Bridgwater Mercury, 7 January 2011 (story):

Woman gets stuck after taking ‘short cut’

THE driver of this car got the hump – after trying to take a short cut out of a car park near Bridgwater.

The 27-year-old woman, who asked not to be named, told the Mercury she felt “pretty stupid” after getting stuck on this grass hump after trying to take a more direct exit from a car park in Dunball. Passing farmers Tom Woodhouse and Andrew Bateman came to the rescue and towed the Renault Clio out.

Mr Bateman said: “Us farmers aren’t all that bad. We’ve helped a few people out of ditches, but I’ve never come across anyone silly enough to try to go over a mound.”

Oh dear. This, of course, opens the floodgates for allsorts of openly sexist automobile ridicule. But still, how typical of a woman driver to make a mountain out of a mound-hill.

Written by Paddy

January 12, 2011 at 1:10 pm

That’s when good Neighbours…

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Sometimes, a barefaced crime is the easiest to get away with.

Not in this case, mind.

Maidenhead Advertiser, 4 October 2010 (story):

Bungling burglar stole neighbour’s curtains for his home

It was curtains for a burglar who was rumbled after he stole his next door neighbour’s nets and put them up in his own window.

Jason Williams was caught out when his neighbours spotted the curtains and asked why he had got them.

The 38-year-old was jailed for burglary for two years and five months at Reading Crown Court on Friday for the crime, which his own barrister described as ‘not very sophisticated’.

He broke down boarding on the home and stole the net curtains, tools, two glass ashtrays and some lamb steaks from the freezer.

Perhaps he just wasn’t barefaced enough; he should’ve put the lamb steaks in the ashtrays and left them on the window sill between the curtains and the glass.  He’ll know for next time.

Written by Paddy

November 29, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Posted in Bravery, Justice

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