The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Heartless bastards’ Category

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

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Are there any depths to which humanity will not sink?

Isle of Man Examiner, 27 September 2013 (story):

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Children at Scoill Phurt le Moirrey have been left bemused and upset after three pumpkins they were enjoying seeing grow disappeared.

The largest, about 19 inches in diameter, was going to be used at a harvest festival tomorrow (Friday) in Port St Mary. On Tuesday school caretaker Steve Shepherd discovered they had been taken.

Head teacher Sue Mowle said: ‘Pupils have been left learning a lesson about the effects of what may be a crime.


‘The pumpkin has been grown and nurtured with the intention of taking pride of place in the school’s harvest celebrations which culminate with a harvest service in St Mary’s Church on Friday.

‘Following that service, the flesh of the pumpkin was due to be offered to a cafe for use in their soups and pies while the shell was destined to be used later next month for Hop-tu-naa celebrations organised by the parents, teachers and Friends’ Association.

‘Instead, children are now discussing the effect crime can have on its victims. One of the younger pupils optimistically suggested that maybe the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach. Let’s hope that is the case.’

Police constable Robin Arnold said: ‘While this is not the crime of the century, it has had a negative impact on a group of young primary school kids.’

Yes, head teacher Sue Mowle, figure of authority and respect, let’s hope it was the case that the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach… rather than it being the case that the giant pumpkin was devoured at the Mowle family dinner table. Hmmm? Hmmmmmmm? It was definitely either the head teacher or the caretaker. Some people have no shame.

Whoever did it, they’re a brave person to take on these fierce-faced schoolchildren. Just look at the facial venom of that one on the far right. And is he clenching his fists inside his sleeve? No messin’.


Written by Paddy

October 16, 2013 at 7:02 pm

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl

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As a child I used to get harassed by teen ruffians in my provincial coastal hometown too, but it was only ever over my extraordinary bike stabilisers or extraordinary home haircuts. Never over anything as extraordinary as an owl.

Morecambe Visitor, 25 October 2012 (story): 

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl 

An 11-year-old boy was punched and sprayed with ‘silly string’ by a gang of teenagers – who were trying to steal an owl.

The bird had been taken by the boy and his friend to be displayed at an event just off Morecambe Promenade last Saturday.

The pair were walking along Euston Road between 3pm and 4pm when they were approached by the gang of around 10 teenagers outside Pound Fever.

One of the gang said “Give me your owl,” and adopted a boxing pose.

With an outstretched arm he then sprayed both boys with the silly string while shouting abuse.

The shocked 11-year-old boy, who is from Morecambe, threw his drink at the teen before taking the owl from his friend. He was then twice punched to the side of the head as he and his friend fled in separate directions.

PC Ben Hanley said: “This is a really odd incident.”

Tit for tat + twit twoo = a twit for twat twoo incident, more like.

Written by Paddy

February 18, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Speared by a farmer

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We’ve all heard of farmers diversifying, but providing an unsolicited car scrapping service is going too far. No doubt the farmer will use the Tony Martin argument that this was somehow an act of self defence.

Leicester Mercury, 23 January 2013 (story): 

Horror as car  left in snow is speared by farmer’s forklift

A driver forced to abandon his car in a snow-filled ditch was horrified when it was taken away and wrecked – after a farmer speared it with a forklift truck.

Dan Neal, 24, left his black Citroen C2 with a note on the windscreen, after sliding off the road near to Wistow Grange Farm. When he returned to collect the car the following day, he discovered it had already been removed by farmer Edward Gilbert.

He skidded off a bend and into the ditch next to Mr Gilbert’s land. The RAC was unable to attend and Dan was advised to leave the vehicle with a note on the dashboard. He was then horrified to find the farmer had moved the vehicle to a barn by piercing the twin blades of the fork-lift through the bodywork.



Poor Dan, abandoned, awaiting spearing.

Poor Dan, abandoned, awaiting spearing.

When challenged, Mr Gilbert claimed it was Dan who owed him £250 for the minor damage to his fence.

Dan, who lives in nearby Fleckney, said: “He said, ‘I’ve confiscated your car because I’m sick of people driving into my fence’. He was very matter-of-fact about it. He even said I owed him £250 – I couldn’t believe what he was saying.”

His eight-year-old car was towed away. He is now stuck in Fleckney with no transport.

Stuck in Fleckney with no transport: enough to drive anyone round the bend. If they (a) had a car and (b) the conditions weren’t too treacherous.

In the interests of being fair and balanced, we should really hear the farmer’s side of the story. As expected, he’s banging on about his ‘rights’.

Mr Gilbert, 38, has defended his actions, saying he was “within his rights” to remove the car.

“We get fed up with people going through the hedges and abandoning their cars.  If it had been a £50,000 Bentley I might have left it in the ditch.”

A perfectly reasonable, logical standpoint.

Thanks to Nick00031.

Written by Paddy

January 24, 2013 at 4:26 pm

Hitler: a bad egg

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Local newspapers are certainly not prone to understatement. That’s why this little photo and caption in the Bolton News letters page took me by surprise…


Whilst Hitler certainly wasn’t to be trusted, I’m not sure that as a caption it properly encapsulates the murder of millions. Perhaps MASS MURDERING PSYCHOPATH or VEGETARIAN PAINTER would have been more apt.

I’m just looking forward to the NOT TO BE TRUSTED series featuring Mussolini, Pinochet, Ceauscescu and Thatcher.

Written by MK

January 17, 2013 at 9:00 pm

Posted in Heartless bastards

Jerk chicken pandemonium

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Who knew that a general fondness for chicken could result in mass pandemonium, defecation in front gardens and, worse, rogue parking? Not the concerned residents of Lewisham.

You would think a museum which calls itself ‘Horniman’ should know the perils of a ‘jerk’.

Lewisham News Shopper, 23 April 2012 (story): 

Museum plans threatened by jerk chicken ‘pandemonium’

A MUSEUM which wants an extension to its booze licence has a fight on its hands from people who remember “pandemonium” when 20,000 jerk chicken fans descended on the premises in 2009.

Hungry masses flocked to the Horniman Museum event, craving a taste of the spicy Caribbean food and tempted by the appearance of Reggae Reggae Sauce founder Levi Roots and kids’ TV favourite Floella Benjamin.

But the Forest Hill museum has pledged people will not see scenes like those again, after it was claimed that roads were gridlocked, cars were parked in residents’ drives, and people brawled in the streets over spaces.


Scores of residents have written objection letters to Lewisham Council over new licence plans, one even claiming: “During the festival there were numerous, quite appalling instances of visitors urinating and defecating in residents’ front gardens.”

Terrible scenes, but at least they weren’t jerking in the front garden? Every cloud, etc.

If you don’t think you’ve experienced pandemonium in your life so far, just imagine what it’s like to see people tearing up parking tickets and then having to cancel a family meal, because that’s apparently what pandemonium is.

David Lister, 67 of Sydenham Rise, told News Shopper chaos was caused by the museum’s lack of parking facilities.

He said: “The jerk festival was pandemonium. People were just tearing parking tickets up and throwing them in the air.

“I had to cancel my family coming to dinner because people had parked in my drive. There were even cars on the lawn.”


Thank you to Gez Daring.

Written by Paddy

January 16, 2013 at 7:33 pm

Bastard pensioner targets bastard aristocrats

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It’s excellent to see the sophisticated OAPs of the north-east beginning to take direct action where it matters.

The Northern Echo, 21 February 2011 (story):

Water supply feud leads to pensioner’s threat to Percy family

POLICE have been alerted after a pensioner who changed his name to Bastard threatened to ruin the wedding of a North-East aristocrat.

Michael McNamara, 71, has vowed to disrupt the wedding service of Lady Katie Percy, the eldest daughter of the Duke and Duchess of Northumberland.

The pensioner wrote to Lady Katie – a friend of Prince William and Kate Middleton – to say he and a gang of relatives would turn up at the event.

Mr McNamara, who in recent years changed his name by Deed Poll to Michael ”Bastard” McNamara, said he was warned he faced arrest if he caused trouble.

What on earth could have led to this Bastard developing such a grudge against his rich and privileged bastard neighbours? A water supply, of course.

It is believed Mr McNamara developed a grudge against the Percy family following a dispute over the water supply at his home.

He has bombarded the Duke and Duchess, and Northumbria Police, with foul-mouthed and insulting postcards for many years.

He told The Journal in Newcastle: ”I’ve sent postcards to the police all my life. The Duchess used to get one every year but I sent one to her and her daughter last Friday.

”The police just said ‘How would you like it if they sent it to me?’

”I told them I was going to the wedding and they said that if I went I was going to get arrested. I said, ‘I will see you at the wedding’.”

No messin’. Hats off. Go on you Bastard!

Thanks to Nick Henegan.

Written by Paddy

March 14, 2011 at 1:30 pm

Sick and tyred

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As dozens of vehicles career off Canvey Island’s roads as a result of loose tyres, all the locals can do is moan about  the ruddy mess.

Southend Echo, 24 February 2011 (story):

Just who is the phantom tyre dumper?

A COUNCIL has been urged to use spy powers to help find the now notorious Canvey tyre dumper.

Another 25 tyres have been dumped on the island, this time in Haven Road and near the entrance to a caravan park.

More than 1,000 tyres have been dumped over a series of nights since mid-December, but so far the police and council have failed to catch the culprit.

Jane King, Canvey Island Independent Party councillor for Canvey West, believes Castle Point Council should use any available law to find the person responsible.

“Something must be done, because Canvey shouldn’t be a dumping ground. These tyres are costing the tax payer a fortune to get rid of.”

Oh look, here comes the obligatory single-issue local politican, no doubt hoping to make a name for themselves where others fear to tread.

Oh, and look, here’s the obligatory concerned local resident who only gets worked up about the odd bit of litter despite all of the more pressing evils in society:

Elizabeth Swann spotted the latest pile of tyres when she left her home in Haven Road on Monday morning.

She said: “I saw all these tyres on the side of the road, and thought, ‘Oh no, not again’.

“We had the same thing here about a fortnight ago, although that time they left them all scattered down the road. This time they’d been left in a neater pile.”

Ah, finally, these cold hearted and conniving tyre-dumping bastards have found it in their hearts to leave their rubbery deposits in a neat pile. Just goes to show that even fly-tippers have a conscience.

Thanks to Roddy Campbell for leaving this mess of a story in a neat pile in my Inbox.

Written by Paddy

March 8, 2011 at 12:33 pm

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