The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Gazette Faces’ Category

Gazette Faces, Vol. 11 + Gazette Faces: The Movie

with one comment

It’s time for your face to lose all of its definition as you savour the latest catalogue of the Gazette Faced masses. At the end of this post we also have a special gift for you to celebrate the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces…

Taxi driver thought he was a ‘goner’ after attack and robbery (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

6

Nope, he’s all there.

Guisborough wind farm row blows on after consultation (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

3

He must feel like he’s pointing in the wind.

THE BIG DEBATE: Should Lincolnshire have more wind farms? (Lincolnshire Echo)

13

This fossil is certainly fuelling the BIG DEBATE. Although it should be said that holding a glossy magazine open in such a menacing manner is quite a skill.

Anger after thieves take road safety signs outside school in Louth (Grimsby Telegraph)

12

Stockton High Street revamp: ‘I was admiring it – then I fell on my face’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

11

Wheelchair-bound dog who helped save his owner’s life has died (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

7

You know when you read one of those headlines which gives you a really warm, comforting glow inside until you get to the last two words?

Residents air concerns over Saltersgill bus stop changes (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

9

Allotment holders vow to fight Grimsby Town stadium plans (Grimsby Telegraph)

15

Stockton bike shop ramraid men bailed (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

4

I can’t believe they’re being so brazen about their crime.

Residents fear plans to build homes will turn Holton-le-Clay into a town (Grimsby Telegraph)

14

Arrrrrggghhhhh! Not a town!!! This trio simply aren’t ready to be townsfolk.

And now…

Gazette Faces: The Movie

Celebrating the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces on The Nether Regions, a series of Gazette Faces from Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette set to the heart-rending sounds of ‘We Are Teesside’, the area’s emotional mid-90s promotional anthem. Sound essential.

Link: The video’s YouTube page.

Advertisements

Written by Paddy

September 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

Posted in Gazette Faces

Gazette Faces, Vol. 10

leave a comment »

It’s been a while, so it’s time to delve back into the world of facial redundancy that is the Gazette Face.

Thanks to the procession of sods willing to stare vacantly into the lenses of local press cameras around the country, the Gazette Face marches on triumphantly (but without a hint of triumphalism on its empty face, of course).

ID thieves target bins (Morecambe Visitor)

3

£16,000 of pigeons nabbed (Hartlepool Mail)

8

The remaining £3-worth of pigeons behind him aren’t smiling much either.

Saltburn residents protest over parking charges (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

1

Kid Gazette Face > Adult Gazette Face.

Drivers ignoring one-way system (Bridlington Free Press)

5

Ramraiders steal guinea pig (Morecambe Visitor) (story)

4

11 January 2013:

A GUINEA pig called Del Boy was stolen along with hundreds of pounds worth of animal supplies after a shop was ram-raided in Morecambe.

Lorna Bird, one of the company’s directors, said: “He’s my little man, and I would appeal for his return.

“They’ve taken sacks of rabbit feed, sacks of mixed grain, Bob Martin dual action spot ons (flea killer), Johnson’s wormers, dog toothpaste, horse supplements, but they’ve not taken any dog or horse feed.

“It’s like they’ve had a shopping list.

But what a shopping list, to be fair to them.

Christmas wrecked by raiders (Whitby Gazette)

7

MP criticises council for rejecting hotel plan (The Northern Echo)

9

This is the Conservative MP for Stockton South, James Wharton. Just for your information, he’s a right knob.

Post Office in sex change row (Morecambe Visitor)

2

Nursery is graded as ‘good’ (Whitby Gazette)

6

GOOD. That’s as GOOD as it gets. Although I’m not sure what the two on the left are doing, letting the side down with their forced smiles. Has that nursery education taught them nothing?

The real question is, would this small Whitby nursery have been able to find enough kids for the photo if it had been graded as ‘SATISFACTORY’?

Written by Paddy

January 22, 2013 at 6:30 pm

Posted in Gazette Faces

Gazette Faces, Vol. 9

with one comment

It’s certainly not happy, but it’s not exactly sad. It’s not exactly angry, but it’s certainly not overly pleased. It’s just a vague outline, almost face-like, floating aimlessly somewhere between resigned disappointment and mild bemusement. It’s a Gazette Face, and it gets where water wouldn’t.

Mum’s warning on claim firms (M’brough Evening Gazette)

Grandmother breaks arm in paddling pool wall slip (Southend Echo)

Mustn’t laugh. Although judging by the photo, she’s still perfectly capable of operating a basic hand puppet. Suspicions: aroused.

The wall she slipped on sounds like the most vindictive and calculating wall in existence:

She said: “It is not safe at all. They shouldn’t let anyone, adults or children, along that wall. It is just waiting for a child to slip over and kill themselves.”

Thieves steal house’s Christmas decorations (Southend Standard)

Vandals wreck Cowley family’s Christmas lights display (Oxford Mail)

Middlesbrough care home staff left unpaid (Evening Gazette)

Shame on the two smilers letting the side down. Still, 11 Gazette Faces out of 13 is not to be sniffed at.

Workmen stole next door’s water supply (Southend Echo)

You’d think people would have learnt not to employ cowboys by now. Because, of course, they simply do not have the requisite plumbing qualifications.

COWBOY workmen ran piping from a hairdressers to the funeral directors next door without permission so they could use its water free of charge.

Charity bags stolen from doorsteps in Stockton (M’brough Evening Gazette)

Middlesbrough mum hopes bin plan will end rat nightmare (Evening Gazette)

Councils in pledge to repair potholes (Southend Standard)

It’s alright, Doctor Who (played by Tom Baker) looks like he’s already on the  job.

Exactly how big is ‘the size of a crater’? What next… road cracks as long as a piece of string?

POTHOLES are becoming the size of craters as the big thaw follows the big freeze in south Essex.

There’s more where these came from in the Gazette Faces backlog, of course.

Written by Paddy

January 6, 2011 at 1:45 pm

Posted in Gazette Faces

Some Flatmates Do ‘Ave ‘Em

with one comment

You try and do your flatmate a favour, and what thanks do you get?

Public humiliation in the local paper, that’s what.

Bristol Evening Post, 7 October 2010 (story):

Bristol couple left feeling empty after ‘hapless’ flatmate loads up wrong car

WHEN Faye Pounder’s flatmate offered to help her move house she gladly accepted, but his kind gesture went sour when he packed the wrong car, which then drove off.

Miss Pounder, 26, and her fiancé Ali Walker, 32, were moving out of their flat in Dove Street, Bristol, on Monday afternoon.

She had put all her important documents into one bag which included the car tax, her camera, her clothes and her laptop.

She and her former flatmate Paul Robins then made shuttle runs loading up her car, or so she thought.

When Mr Robins ran in to the house to tell her the car had been stolen she panicked until she came out and saw her Citroen Xsara Picasso in the same spot she had left it.

The awful truth then dawned on Mr Robins, who realised he had been filling the boot of another Citroen Xsara Picasso which had since driven away.

This article comes replete with what looks like a photo of a very serious and depressing car boot sale. Some excellent foldy-arms and Gazette Face action, mind you:

Miss Pounder said: “My flat mate is quite hapless and I think the other car was open and because it was the same make as mine and a similar colour he just assumed it was mine. He said there was an older person’s shopping trolley already in the boot so I don’t know why he didn’t click.

“We were supposed to be going to Alton Towers for my birthday but the tickets were in the bag. It’s all been a bit of a nightmare and not a very nice way to spend your birthday.

“I spoke to Paul and he just said he wants to jump off a cliff because he feels so bad.”

Well, maybe you should consider offering some reassurance to him instead of bleating on about it, you poisonous little witch.

Thanks to Alasdair Rawsthorne for packing this story into the correct vehicle.

Written by Paddy

October 15, 2010 at 11:06 am

Gazette Faces, Vol. 8

leave a comment »

Welcome to another series of stiff-faced, sunken-cheeked twats making the pages of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

Middlesbrough salon couple hit by arson

Jobless Craig Fisher uses banners in bid to get work

Hmm. Hopefully any employers looking to recruit a technician aren’t looking for someone who can spell it.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 1 May 2010:

A STOCKTON dad has resorted to displaying two home-made banners on a busy Teesside roundabout in a bid to get work.

“It is still early days as I only did it on Thursday but since then I have seen some vehicles slow down to read it.”

Great. He may still be unemployed, but at least he had the satisfaction of seeing some cars slow down. Simple pleasures…

Thanks to Neil Trodden.

More flower vandals strike in Eston

Concern as vandals target Middlesbrough’s Holgate Wall

There are the bastards – caught red handed.

And again! The sheer brass neck of it...

Redcar mum tells of sewing needle find in baby food

Paperboys come to aid of stricken OAP

Alright lads, no need to look so cocksure about it. No doubt they still shredded the OAP’s paper while jamming it through the letterbox.

Hartlepool man arrested after car broke down on Newport Bridge

He is clearly so over it now.

Family’s Saltburn cliff lift crash terror

Trees stolen from Gisborough Priory woodland gardens

Biker speaks out over Redcar pothole menace

Excellent deployment of the steel ruler there, but when was the last time you heard of someone being killed in an eight inch deep pothole? Perhaps in The Borrowers, yes, but this is real life we’re dealing with here.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 28 April 2010:

EXPERIENCED motorbiker Steve Muskett is furious at a terrifying spate of potential killer potholes which he says have sprung up in Redcar and Cleveland.

He branded it a “slalom track” of huge potholes, some of which are up to eight inches deep.

Surely bikers always slalom along roads anyway, so what’s the  problem? Perhaps if they weren’t universally such awful, egocentric leather-clad lunatics, potholes wouldn’t be a problem. Just my tuppence, for what it’s worth (i.e. two pence).

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue

Written by Paddy

July 22, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Posted in Gazette Faces

Gazette Faces, Vol. 7

with 3 comments

The previous six volumes of Gazette Faces have centred upon the Teesside area only. This is owing to the extraordinary skill of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette in repeatedly capturing its locals staring through the camera lens with blank faces and deadened eyes. Or, as the comedian Bill Hicks would say if he wasn’t dead, “staring like dogs that have just been shown a card trick”.

Gormless-looking idiots exist everywhere, of course, so it’s about time Gazette Faces toured local newspapers up and down the land. Thank you to Gez Daring, Iain Horne, Roddy Campbell and Splodgistics for their contributions.

Probe into pizza ‘containing metal fragments’ – The Berwick Advertiser (story)

Do you think she has that pizza box stuck to the door with Blu-Tack on a permanent basis?

Orford woman fights for her cats – Warrington Guardian (story)

A Gazette Face trio. This woman has nine cats in her home, which seems a lot before you even consider each of them has nine lives. Ergo she effectively looks after 81 cats, right?

Some great factoids from the article:

Warringt0n Guardian, 20 February 2008:

She is known by local schoolchildren as “the cat lady” and has raised kittens for years.

Her pets are house cats and rarely leave Brenda’s “five star cat hotel”.

Brenda spends £45 a week on cat food and litter.

Her cats dine on roast chickens, tuna and tins of Whiskers.

Ruby, two, is latest victim of angry bird – The Northern Echo (story)

Vicar sees red over double yellow lines – Staines News (story)

Vicar blames traffic measures for increased secularisation of society shocker!

Staines News, 27 May 2010:

A VICAR has blamed a 25 per cent drop in attendance at his church on the introduction of double yellow lines outside.

Grimsby Hospital missed girl’s broken leg – Grimsby Telegraph

Tortoise snatched by gang – Hartlepool Mail (story)

Battle on home front – Ealing Gazette (story)

How to get your grievance taken seriously: protest outside the council building dressed in your old military gear with a placard strapped around your neck. Definitely.

Striking a blow on the picket line – Wilmslow Express

How to get your grievance taken seriously, etc.

Thugs shoot pet cats – Stockport Express

You wouldn’t mess with any of that lot.

Mum’s anger at son’s treatment after fractured arm – The York Press

Schoolboy attempts to illegally climb over school fence at dinnertime… injures self… parent blames school. Thatcher’s Britain.

However, this story includes a wonderful Alan Partridge-esque scene whereby the boy pierces himself on a spike.

York Press, 11 February 2010 (story):

Mrs Fisher, of South Bank, said the accident happened when her son had been trying to get out of school one lunchtime to buy some chips, against school rules.

“He slipped and the spike went into his leg to a depth of about an inch and a half,” she said. “He managed to get his leg free of the spike but then fell to the ground, landing on his arm.” […]

“I believe they have a duty of care in such circumstances,” she said.

I believe the lad needs a clip around the ear and his pocket money docked in such circumstances. We’ll see if he still thinks it’s worth breaking out of school when he can’t muster the funds to populate his Panini World Cup sticker album.

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue

Written by Paddy

June 7, 2010 at 11:19 am

Posted in Gazette Faces

Gazette Faces, Vol. 6

with one comment

Straighten those lips, slacken that jaw and kill those eyes to a vacant stare for the sixth extravaganza of Teesside’s great and good newsfolk.

Vandals hack stained glass at Redcar church

Fury at rise in Middlesbrough allotment fees

Guisborough Town Football Club minibus destroyed

Nothing a lick of paint won’t sort.

Dad’s apology after fire threat in Teesside JobCentre

What do you do when you have ‘no intention’ of setting fire to yourself in the Job Centre? Douse yourself with a bottle of turpentine, of course.

Evening Gazette, 16 December 2009 (story):

A DISTRESSED dad has today apologised after months of frustration led to him threatening to set himself alight in a Teesside JobCentre. […]

“I feel guilty over what I have done,” Brian told the Gazette.

“Some of the lasses in there must have been frightened. I shouldn’t have done what I did. I feel really ashamed. I can honestly say I had no intention of setting fire to myself and had no intention of damaging anything.” […]

Brian said: “I remember going in my pocket and I pulled the bottle out.

“I poured the stuff over me then sat on a chair. I told them to get everybody out of the building and then the police turned up.”

He’s right – some of the lasses must have been frightened. None of the lads, though, because they’re bloody blokes.

Pupils in protest over Stockton school merger plan

Gazette Faces under there, deffo.

Guisborough and Redcar speed signs anger drivers

Gazette Scarf > Gazette Face.

Widow’s home ransacked on day of husband’s funeral

Outcry over bid to re-open notorious Easterside pub

Gunman terror at Middlesbrough social club

Health and safety ban on Middlesbrough gran’s knitted hospital fundraising dolls

It’s bloody political-correctness-health-and-safety-immigration-swine-flu gone mad.

Evening Gazette, 30 July 2009 (story):

A KNITTING nana has been left devastated after her local hospital banned the sale of her handmade dolls for health and safety reasons.

Dorothy Wedlake, 80, has been knitting dolls for the James Cook University Hospital in Middlesbrough since the death of her sister-in-law back in 1990.

Dorothy, of Maldon Road, Middlesbrough, said: “I’ve been knitting the little dolls for nearly 20 years and they’ve sold like hot cakes.”

Sold like hot cakes? No wonder they’re a health and safety risk if she’s telling people they’re edible. Get Trading Standards on the case.

The most popular are her Superman figures, but she also makes crinoline dolls, a favourite with little girls. “It’s a smack in the face,” said Dorothy…

Smack in the face? That’s dangerous.

“It makes me very frustrated that I can’t explain it all to someone face-to-face. My dolls have no eyes to fall out and choke a child. There’s no wires to cut a child. And no paint or dye to poison a child.”

Is she expecting praise  for this?

“If these dolls are a danger to a child, then how many have I killed over the last 20 years?”

You tell us, Dot: just how many children have you killed over the last 20 years?

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue

In the most fiercely exciting development in national entertainment since the cessation of the most recent Chris Moyles Radio 1 Roadshow, Gazette Faces will soon be going on tour. Please continue to send your Gazette Faces from newspapers around Britain to the address at the top right corner of  the page.

Written by Paddy

April 14, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Posted in Gazette Faces

%d bloggers like this: