Archive for the ‘Free goodies’ Category
The giveaways continue in the utopian market town of Louth, Lincolnshire. All you need to do is buy a copy of the Louth Leader each week and every material aspect of your life is sorted, forever.
Confectionary AND drinks!
But hang on, only 10% off? This is not part of the deal. But what a delightful floral dress… I would happily pay 90% of the recommended retail price for that item.
Just look at the joy on his face at the sight of a lovely clean ring. Heartwarming.
Even the animals are getting in on the FREE! FREE! FREE! stuff.
Q. Can there possibly be anything left for the Louth Leader to give away to its readers?
A. Yes. To be continued.
The Nether Regions was there in the early days when the Louth Leader began wooing its Lincolnshire readership with a vast array of free gifts each week. Since then, the population of this utopian market town has inevitably mushroomed. Nothing sells quite like free goodies, and this means a copy of the Louth Leader is now stronger than the pound itself.
It began with snacks, but gradually the giveaways began to take care of every aspect of your existence. We had necklaces, we had bath bombs. What came next?
Teacakes and sweets!
Queasy sausage rolls!
Hand-held muffins from former chief whip Andrew Mitchell of ‘plebgate’ fame!
This gluttony is too much. It’s surely time to feed Louth something a bit more healthy…
He’s back again…! (N.B. Slightly more clean shaven.)
Now that we’ve balanced the diet, the locals could do with winding down slightly.
Nothing better than a film…
…followed by another bath…
…but not before you’ve wiped your feet, cooked the tea, and put up those new blinds…
See you on the next bus to Louth.
To be continued.
The humbling generosity of Louth’s leading newspaper, the Louth Leader, just rumbles on and on.
Mmmmm, and what wonderfully fresh and juicy pipless oranges at that… what else could one wish for? Apart from some long, thin cheese flavoured pastry items, of course.
I’m sure I recognise her face. Turns out she is Louth’s leading gift-giver, of previous sausage roll fame. Incredible scenes.
If there is a sudden boom in baby births in Louth in nine months’ time, the Louth Leader is clearly to blame:
And yet more sweet snacks…
It’s time to comprehensively list the goodies the benevolent Louth Leader has given away to its readership in recent months:
- a free scone;
- free butchers’ sausages;
- a free sausage roll;
- a free Cadbury Bliss bar;
- a free mince pie;
- free jewellery;
- free bath fizz hearts;
- free doughnuts;
- free soup;
- a holiday for just £10;
- free cheese straws;
- a free valentine’s love heart biscuit; and
- a free gingerbread man.
Bloody hell. And to think newspapers were once all about news.
With public spending cuts beginning to bite, the Louth Leader continues its incredible freebie frenzy in a desperate bid to single-handedly salvage the Lincolnshire economy.
We’ve already seen them give away a free scone, some free butcher’s Lincolnshire sausages and a free jumbo sausage roll to each reader, but it hasn’t stopped there. Louth’s collective gluttony has continued unabated.
Mmmm! That FREE Cadbury chocolate bar was just the boost I needed after a hard day in the office. In fact, I must confess I now having something of a sweet tooth.
Oh yes, that delicious FREE mince pie well and truly hit the spot. And what a gorgeous red paper napkin thrown in for good measure.
I’m quite full now, I must say, so inevitably my thoughts are turning away from food and instead to how wonderful it would be if I had a well-populated charm bracelet to show off on my wrist while eating all of this stuff…
Oh, Louth Leader, you shouldn’t have… I adore it. Now I shall be the envy of all Louth.
Fuck it: I’m hungry again now, and frankly I could do with a cheap holiday as well.
Om nom nom nom. I see you’re still here. Do you mind? I’m eating.
A nation licks its lips in anticipation of the next perishable items to be given away as part of the Louth Leader‘s extraordinary generosity drive…
Hang on: it was bloody sausages last week! All they’ve done is add a pastry case. What a tribe of bastards. Lazy Louth Leader.
Hats off to the Louth Leader and its Victorian sense of benevolence towards the peasant readership in these times of austerity. They won’t let you go hungry.
5 October 2010 (link):
Mmmmmm, that was indeed a delicious FREE scone. And what a delightful set of pigtails on her. I’m still feeling a bit peckish though…
Please, Louth Leader… may I have some more?
16 October 2010 (link):
Nom nom nom. Those were indeed delicious FREE Lincolnshire sausages.
Whatever next? More on this as it develops, but we’ll be totally stuffed by the end of October at this rate.
FAO the editor of the Louth Leader… I could do with a drink next time to help wash this stuff down. Thanks.