The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Flashers’ Category

Horse pervert admits stroking ponies

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Hmmm, “barred from approaching tethered animals”… the implication seems to be that this prolific horse botherer is free to have his wicked way with untethered ones, provided he can catch them first. Encouraging equine foreplay rituals seems like an odd form of justice if you ask me.

The Northern Echo, 17 February 2011 (story):

Horse pervert is spared jail again

A CONVICTED sex offender narrowly avoided being sent to prison yesterday after he admitted stroking ponies – despite a court ban.

Retired farmworker David Chamberlin was barred from approaching tethered animals as part of an order after he admitted outraging public decency by committing a lewd act with a horse in 2009.

In 2009, he was caught when the owner of the horse spotted Chamberlin acting suspiciously in a field in Billingham, near Stockton. The farmer saw the animal’s head being pulled down towards Chamberlin’s groin.

Shocked and disgusted, he hit Chamberlin with a stick, which caused the horse to run off, dragging Chamberlin across the field.

Long serving readers may recall this character’s previous appearance on The nether regions in relation to the previous lewd act in 2009. His inimitable shabby-red-jacket-and-fag-in-mouth combo is unforgettable:

The best thing about this story is this extraordinary set of comments from the District Judge.

District Judge Kristina Harrison said: “I find it very strange behaviour that any man would want to stick his penis in a horse’s mouth, quite frankly.”

“By being on bail for a long time, he seems to have moved on from horses to prostitutes which is not a particularly good development.

“He has got to refrain from behaving in the manner that he does. I would like to stop him behaving in a bizarre sexual fashion.”

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back in the press gallery.

Thanks to Nick Henegan for this story.


Written by Paddy

March 1, 2011 at 12:55 pm

Posted in Flashers, Justice

Flash… Ahhhh!

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In the local news stakes, you can’t beat a good flasher. And if you can’t beat them, join them… RIGHT LADS?


Yorkshire Evening Post, 7 January 2011:

Hunt for Harrogate flasher

Dectectives hunting a pervert believed to have repeatedly exposed himself to women in Harrogate have issued an e-fit picture of a suspect.

The “flasher”, who seems to strike after sunset, is believed to have exposed himself on at least three occasions in the Stray Rein area of the town in the last month.

On Saturday December 18, two women were walking along a public footpath connecting York Place with Tewit Well Road at about 5.45pm when they saw a man standing by a tree, just past a nearby railway bridge.

The man was naked and had his jeans around his ankles. He was described as white, in his early to mid 20s and about 6ft 3in tall, of larger than average build with dark brown hair worn in a pudding-bowl shape.

He had a round face with a pale complexion and dark eyes. His upper body appeared to be hairless.

Pudding-bowl hair and a hairless upper body… it’s a good look.


Lancashire Evening Post, 20 April 2009 (story):

Shame of the flasher priest

A Catholic priest exposed himself in a Lancashire park in broad daylight.

Thomas McCaffrey, 59, was spotted leaving the men’s toilets in Ribbleton Park, Preston, with his genitals on show at 2.45pm.

McCaffrey – who worked at St Mary’s Parish Church in Bamber Bridge – then flashed his private parts “as if he was trying to attract someone’s attention.”

When arrested, McCaffrey admitted he had visited the toilets looking for a sexual partner – but said he was in the process of covering himself up after using the urinal.

As the neighbour walked past the priest on his way to a local shop he formed the impression the priest was touching himself.

Presumably, touching oneself ‘as if trying to attract someone’s attention’  is the forgotten eighth Sacrament of the Catholic church.

Written by Paddy

January 31, 2011 at 2:57 pm

Posted in Flashers

Flashers digest

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Responsible for the finest 80% of local newspaper content, you have to give it to the flashers. 

So let’s go to our correspondents in the regions where you live for a flasher roundup…

#1: FAT FLASHER in Bromley. Will you ever be able to ascend the stairwell of an NCP car park in the same way again?

Bromley News Shopper, 16 November 2010:

Fat flasher hunted by police

A FAT flasher who exposed himself to a teenage girl in a car park is being hunted by police.

Bromley police are appealing for information after the man appeared completely naked to an 18-year-old in a stairwell of the NCP car park in Simpsons Road, Bromley, on October 28.

A police spokesman said: “At approximately 10.35pm an 18-year-old female was returning to her car when she encountered a male in the stairwell who was totally naked and carrying a red t-shirt.”

He is described as aged around 45, white, around 5′ 9″ tall with a fat build, has very short dark hair and is clean shaven.

What? Completely clean shaven? And what role was the red t-shirt playing in this? The mind boggles. Perhaps he was just caught out while innocently getting changed.


Evening Gazette, 2 November 2010:

A YOUNG boy has denied fabricating a tale of a bizarre sex act by an alleged “black magician”. The youngster accused Mohammed Anjum of exposing his strangely glitter-flecked private parts to himself and a young girl.

He then claimed the 53-year-old carried out two solo acts on himself in front of the shocked pair.

He is accused of lifting up his traditional robe to reveal a pair of ‘pink knickers’ and glitter-flecked private parts before carrying out the two acts.

‘I thought what a dirty thing he did,’ the boy said.  ‘And I’m looking and he has put glitter on his private parts. It looks like it’s gold and pink glitter.’

#3: FAIRY FLASHER in Redditch: dog walkers are fair game, IMHO.

Birmingham Mail, 2 December 2010:

Fairy flasher strikes in Redditch

POLICE are hunting a man who indecently exposed himself to two female dog walkers dressed as a fairy yesterday morning.

The man who was wearing a fairy-type skirt, fishnet tights, a stripy hat and stripy scarf struck twice in Redditch between 7.20am and 8.05am.

PC Kirsty Dury, of West Mercia Police, said: “The victims were both shaken by the incident. The first victim described the man’s manner as intimidating. The other woman said he was aggressive.”

#4: SILLY LITTLE FLASHER in Kent. The best thing about this story is the reaction of the brave mum (aren’t they always?) who initally views being flashed as a mere inconvenience worthy only of an “oh, for  Pete’s sake…” response.

Kent and Sussex Courier, 12 November 2010:

Victim labels serial flasher ‘silly little boy’

A 51-YEAR-OLD mum who was flashed at by a Hildenborough chef has vowed not to allow him to destroy her trust in strangers.

The woman, who attended college in Tonbridge, labelled 20-year-old serial flasher Sam Simmons a “silly little boy” after he admitted exposing his genitals on two occasions.

He pulled up next to her and she believed he was asking for directions – but as she was talking to him, he exposed his genitalia.

The woman said: “My first thought was, ‘oh, for Pete’s sake’.

“I wasn’t frightened – he’s just a silly little boy. I’m a very open person and I love chatting to strangers on the bus and meeting people. But unfortunately, what happened has affected me.

“Now when strangers approach me, I have that moment of doubt and fear, I think ‘oh, what now?’

What now? A stranger’s genitals in your face every single time, that’s what.

Only a chance courtroom meeting with the flasher’s mother was capable of healing the mental scars of this incident…

“But I don’t want to be like that and I’m fighting against that fear. He’s not going to stop me talking to strangers.

“He wants people to be traumatised by it, and I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”

The woman was present in court on October 12 when Simmons admitted his guilt. By coincidence, she was sat next to his mother.

“She was incredibly upset and bewildered. I introduced myself to her afterwards and we had a nice conversation,” she said.

“The poor woman – she was the real victim in this. Simmons doesn’t realise how many people his behaviour affects.”

Having revealed in her victim impact statement read in court that Simmons wore a “smirk of triumph” as he exposed himself, she added that he wore a similar expression throughout the court case.

She said: “However, when he saw me talking to his mum, that smirk rapidly disappeared.

“Finally, I wiped that smirk off his face.”

Thank you to Gez Daring and Neil Trodden for their ‘smirks of triumph’ while exposing these stories.

Written by Paddy

December 6, 2010 at 12:16 pm

Posted in Flashers

The defence had a leg to stand on

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One from the archives: this is an all-time classic court report from Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

Some wonderful detail, great quotes, and Simon Bland really is ‘one of life’s characters’. Probably best just to let the story do the talking…

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 14 August 2008 (story):

One-legged addict jailed for dangerous driving

A ONE-LEGGED motorist who mowed down a binman and just missed a woman with a pushchair has been jailed.

Disabled driver Simon Bland repeatedly interrupted his sentencing hearing at Teesside Crown Court by speaking over the judge and barristers – beginning as prosecutor Ian Mullarkey attempted to explain the case.

Mr Mullarkey said on July 7 last year an off-duty PCSO spotted Bland get out of his Ford Focus at a petrol station on Marton Road in Middlesbrough – naked from the waist down.

Bland, 36, was arrested later in the day after being spotted again with the car careering onto pavements and into the paths of other vehicles causing motorists to take evasive action.

He was reported to police again on July 31 after being seen driving at less than 5mph on the A171. He then got to Ormesby Bank where he picked up speed, clipped a kerb and almost hit a young girl on a cycle before going into the path of a van which managed to steer clear. He later mounted a pavement again and struck binman Buster Carter, who was left unable to work for six weeks. And on November 22 he just missed a woman pushing a pram as he tried to reverse.

As promised, Bland – who lost his leg in 2002 – was given the opportunity to speak. He told the judge, who he repeatedly called Les: “I have the utmost respect for you people in authority.”

Bland then spoke of his youth at Stokesley Comprehensive, the Gulf War and how he dreamed of being a Marine. “I joined the French Foreign Legion,” he added. “I was with them for four years, no, three years. I had to do a runner from them. It was too hard. I can’t go back to France – I will be arrested.”

Bland apologised to the binman who he referred to as “Buster Douglas”. He then spoke of a hairdresser who was at school with his brother before being interrupted by Judge Spittle.

He was jailed for 12 months and banned from driving for three years. As he was led down to the cells he asked to be banned from driving for five years instead, before shouting: “Thanks everyone, thanks judge, I appreciate it.”

Written by Paddy

October 29, 2010 at 11:47 am

Tits and nuts

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Calling the people of Sunbury-on-Thames, Surrey, England… you are one step closer to the glory of knowing you have spawned the face of BigD nuts.

Staines News, 21 May 2010 (story):

Sunbury Page 3 girl wants your vote

PAGE 3 model and Sunbury girl Rosie Jones is one step closer to becoming the face of BigD nuts.

The local lass, who is featured regularly in weekly lads magazines Zoo and Nuts, has reached the semi finals of a competition which could see her become the face of the snack’s ad campaigns for the next four years.

Rosie, who attended St Ignatius School, in Green Street, and St Paul’s College, in The Ridings, is up against 20 other girls all eyeing the final in July.

Regional newspapers love nothing more than a local boy or girl done good. They relentlessly hype their home-grown celebrities and report their every move, however small their fame or futile their endeavours. Any article about them will contain the obligatory ‘town name + gender identifier’ reference (“Sunbury girl”, “Chichester lad”,  “Spalding transsexual”) and, of course, a list of the local schools they attended. We couldn’t be doing without that.

The celebrities themselves are often willing to capitalise on this misplaced local pride by offering quotes to the paper too.

Rosie, 19, said: “I am honoured to be in the semi final and it is really exciting to think that I could soon be appearing in thousands of pubs throughout the country. I have the chance to put my home town of Sunbury on the map. I hope the people of Sunbury can show their support and vote for me.”

I have a sneaky feeling Sunbury might rather not be ‘on the map’ at all.

Written by Paddy

May 31, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Nappy flash

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Never underestimate the power of a good e-fit.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 4 April 2008 (story):

Efit released of ‘flasher’ nappy man who dropped his trousers

THIS is the face of a ‘flasher’ who dropped his trousers to reveal a nappy to two young girls.

The girls were walking near Levendale Primary School in Yarm just after 9pm on Thursday, February 28, when a man came out of nearby bushes and dropped his tracksuit bottoms.

He was wearing a nappy and asked the girls if they would change it for him. He then ran off.

At least three reports have been made to police about a nappy-wearing man who has struck in the Eaglescliffe, Yarm and Ingleby Barwick areas.

Now Cleveland Police have spoken with at least one school in the area and are appealing for help.

Onlookers will be delighted to note that, since the publication of  this story and e-fit two years ago, the culprit was quickly caught and sentenced to four years running London.

The man is a disgrace. Even more so than anyone thought.

Written by Paddy

May 21, 2010 at 10:43 am

Does not have a stable address

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This isn’t just your bog-standard equine smutfest.

Yorkshire Evening Post, 12 April 2010 (story):

Man admits sex with horse and donkey

A 66-year-old man has pleaded guilty to having sex with a horse and a donkey.

Joseph Squires appeared at Leicester Crown Court charged with buggery of a donkey between February 2 and February 5, 1999, and buggery of a horse between March 15 and 18, 2004.

First, that’s a full three days in conference with each of  the animals; previously unknown levels of buggery stamina.

Second, announcing in court that a man who admits sex with a horse and donkey ‘does not have a stable address’ is utterly marvellous.

Defence counsel Amar Mehta told the court Squires had no previous convictions and was of previous good character.

Requesting that Squires be released on bail, he said: “The defendant does not have a stable address although he says his daughter can provide an address.”

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about that one back in the solicitors’ office.

But on a serious note, if people aren’t prepared to commit to sharing a home with a lover then, in my view, they’re living in sin and a custodial sentence is the only option. Broken Britain.

Written by Paddy

May 11, 2010 at 10:49 am

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