The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Editorial’ Category

Fingergeddon in Whitby

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I’ve always thought there’s something a bit strange about Whitby but, until now, have never quite  been able to put my finger on it.

Whitby Gazette, 13 Janauary 2014:

Beach searches taking place after finger found

Coastguard teams are scouring Whitby beach by torchlight tonight (Monday 5.30pm) after reports that a finger was found by a dog walker nearby.

The Whitby Gazette understands that the digit was found on the Black Steps leading up to Mulgrave Road.

More details to follow.

A detached, dead finger; the very worst kind of digit to find. Far worse than beginning a meal and finding a child has dipped its thumb in your creamy mash, and even worse than opening your bedroom curtains in the morning to find ‘666’ dripping in the condensation on the glass. A detached, dead finger brings a particular brand of horror and an avalanche of questions: is it an old finger or a young finger? Did the finger ever truly know the love of a warm hand? Was the fingernail well-groomed? When did the finger last make a good point?

I suppose now we’ll never know…

Whitby Gazette, 14 January 2014:

Police say beach ‘finger’ actually seaweed

Emergency searches in Whitby were called off after a ‘human finger’ discovered on the beach was revealed to be a piece of seaweed.

whitby finger

The grim discovery was made by a dogwalker on Monday afternoon and prompted emergency searches, including Whitby’s Coastguard team.

However, the ‘finger’ was later examined by crime scene investigators who confirmed the object was not a human body part, but actually a piece of kelp or seaweed.

Typical. What an anti-climax.

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Written by Paddy

January 29, 2014 at 6:36 pm

Posted in Editorial

Councillor has cow stolen

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An udderly astonishing development in local government. Thanks to Kirsten Beacock for the story.

Peterborough Telegraph, 14 January 2014 (story):

Peterborough councillor has cow stolen

Thieves have stolen a cow belonging to a Peterborough councillor.

Cllr David Over (Con, Barnack) mentioned the theft during a meeting of Peterborough City Council’s Scrutiny Commssion for Rural Communities on Monday night (13 January).

The red cow, which Cllr Over had bought for an environmental site, was taken from a farm in the Barnack area last week.

Cllr Over told the Peterborough Times:  “If I’m honest I doubt the cow will turn up now. It’s more likely to be on someone’s dinner plate.”

He said he did not get too attached to the cow and refused to give it a name as he knew he would be giving it away soon.

Coun Over jokingly said: “I was not in a relationship with the cow and my wife said whatever you do, do not keep going to visit it and do not give it a name.”

What a strange thing to say; the possibility of councillor-bovine intercourse had never even crossed my mind until he basically confessed he was in a physical relationship with the animal at the end there. His wife clearly knew the score and no doubt had it destroyed. Shocking stuff. Emmerdale script writers, take note.

Written by Paddy

January 20, 2014 at 11:55 am

Posted in Editorial

Gazette Faces, Vol. 12

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Here’s your latest round-up of the facially comatose fodder adorning our regional newspapers.  When the going gets tough, the tough get Gazette Faces.

Chainsaw thieves put public in danger (Morcambe Visitor)

7

Dog suffered ‘life threatening’ injuries after attack in Skinningrove (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

10

I reckon the parrot did it.

Westcroft Leisure Centre welcome garden branded ‘a tip’ (Sutton Guardian)

4

Conservative councillor Peter Geiringer, who regularly uses the centre, said the area in front of it is “absolutely horrible”.

He said: “We can spend £11.4m on the centre, but why can’t we spend a bit on gardening? It’s the first thing people see and it’s horrific.”

HORRIFIC.

Tenant guilty of breaching anti-social behaviour injunction (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

5

Billingham scientist urges others to join cancer fight (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

8

TV appeal over Torquay Dinosaur World till theft (Torquay Herald Express)

3

A Gazette Face snatched from the jaws of… erm.

Tenants evicted over drunkenness, loud music and abusive language (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

11

Pensioner blasts ‘misleading’ car park sign (Welwyn Hatfield Times)

1

Farming family: ‘Great Ayton housing proposal would devastate our livelihood’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

12

Heartless burglars steal from children (Morcambe Visitor)

9

Middlesbrough charity shop wrecked by arson (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

2

‘I drank every day, 24/7, round the clock’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)

13

Sounds alright to me. Not sure why he’s looking so miserable about it.

Thanks to Graham Parker and @jrlc48.

Written by Paddy

January 15, 2014 at 2:39 pm

Posted in Editorial

Guess who’s back, back again…

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Yes, that’s right, The Nether Regions is (i.e. back again). The haters can pipe down, the hiatus is over.

Back with a bang, and this time with an expanded team of contributors in hope of avoiding another stagnation. They are all unpaid interns, in line with coalition government policy for tackling unemployment.

Hello.

Written by Paddy

January 16, 2013 at 7:31 pm

Posted in Editorial

On indefinite hiatus, definitely

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Apologies to the loyal readers who have continued to turn to these pages over the past six months without any joy. The Nether Regions newsroom has ground to a standstill for now, but will be back at some point. Maybe. Hopefully, anyway.

If you want to keep track, follow on Twitter or request an alarm call from reception by simply dialling ‘0’.

Stay lucky.

Written by Paddy

November 18, 2011 at 3:21 pm

Posted in Editorial

Hellraising a toast

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Forget ‘daddy or chips?’, this is a real-life case of ‘the kids or toast?’. It’s clear where this father’s loyalties lie.

Blackpool Gazette, 26 May 20010:

Man slapped girlfriend in toast row

A MAN slapped his girlfriend’s face when she told him she was too busy with the children to make toast.

Dominic Hulme, 22, of Horsebridge Road, Grange Park, admitted assaulting his partner on May 15.

He was sentenced to two years’ supervision and ordered to complete a domestic violence programme by magistrates.

David Charnley, defending, said his client had been in a relationship with his partner for nine years and admitted slapping her after she made a lewd remark about his mother.

Thanks to Mark Palmer. On reflection, though, this is an appalling news report. Key details are left out, and the story is inconsistent. Did he slap her because of the toast snub or the lewd remark about his mother? Or would it be possible to combine the two? ‘Yer mum’s a slag and yer can make yer own toast.’ Yes, it is possible. But shame on the Blackpool Gazette for not exploring this.

It is worth noting, however, that this isn’t the first time food-related violence has erupted in the Blackpool Gazette: Man threw profiteroles at wife. Whatever happened to ‘the family that eats together stays together’…?

Written by Paddy

July 11, 2010 at 5:34 pm

Posted in Editorial

Top of the vox pops

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Ah, the dreaded ‘vox pop’. A staple feature of regional newspaper coverage against all better judgement, this peculiar exercise sees news reporters regularly dispatched into the dangerous streets in search of pithy comments from the unemployed and those running errands. The aim is to survey the view of the man in the street on the hot topic of the day, but quite why this might be desirable is anyone’s guess. In the words of Sid Vicious: “I’ve met the man in the street – he’s a cunt.”

Nobody in the office wants it to be their turn to do the vox pop, hence many journalists look to pass the task to the work experience kid or new recruit at the first opportunity. Coming fresh into the industry and being forced to thrust oneself upon the awful general public with no meaningful journalistic purpose is a steep learning curve, and is enough to put some off the job for life.

Whoever’s turn it was to do the vox pop for the Nottingham Evening Post towards the beginning of the month found themselves in for a treat while canvassing opinions about the political nous of a prospective celebrity MP on the streets of Sutton-in-Ashfield – quite literally a world apart from the glamour of the GMTV sofa (obviously).

Nottingham Evening Post, 6 March 2010 (story):

Gloria brings GMTV glam to Notts

THE glamour of the GMTV sofa may seem a world apart from the streets of Sutton-in-Ashfield.

So when presenter Gloria De Piero quit her television career and moved to the Notts pit town, it caused something of a stir.

Although the 37-year-old remains gagged from speaking to the press about what she would bring as MP, one of her qualities appears to have been more forthcoming to people in Sutton-in-Ashfield.

“She’s peng!” said trainee electrician Daniel O’Neill, 19, whose description means “sexy girl” or “fit” in ‘street talk’.

“Maybe we need somebody young and good looking. If she knows what she is on about, why not?

Yeah! If she’s a sexy girl or fit, why not?!

Actually, he might be right...

Rob Williams, owner of sandwich shop The Filling Station, said: “It needs a shake-up around here. I have voted Labour but I won’t be doing again.

“I don’t think the councils are very well run. I spoke to Geoff Hoon about a problem I had and he never helped.”

Market trader Darren Heatherington, 42, said from behind his stall of colourful rugs: “Gloria is a nice looking woman and has been on GMTV. She’s got a good chance. A lot of people can vote for the wrong reasons.”

The decision to have an all-women shortlist sparked controversy among the local Labour campaigners, who had asked party leaders for an open list.

They feared that, because Miss De Piero is not local to Ashfield, she may be an absent MP, or “another Geoff Hoon in a skirt”, as one disgruntled activist said.

Precisely how many ‘Geoff Hoons in skirts’ have there been? And why hasn’t this received more coverage?

Darren succinctly sums up 'The Widdecombe Factor'.

Honestly, the professional political commentators will soon be out of jobs.

Written by Paddy

March 23, 2010 at 10:40 am

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