The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for the ‘Celebs in the 'hood’ Category

Christ! Ee bah gum

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Jesus seems to be popping up everywhere these days; he gets where water doesn’t.

Plymouth Herald, 5 April 2010 (story):

Family says ‘face of Jesus’ appeared in Mum’s gum

A FAMILY have told of their wonder at finding ‘Jesus staring at us’ from a piece of chewing gum on Good Friday.

Nelly Noden had been chewing her gum but left it on the mantelpiece while she ate some crisps.

When she returned, the gum had turned into an image she believes resembles Christ.

“The second I put my eye on it, I could see it,” said the mother-of-two, from Beacon Park.

“I’d just got back from going the shops to buy a few things to eat when, as usual, I put my gum on the mantelpiece to have some Pringles,” she said.

“I went to pick it up again and Jesus was just there, staring at me.

“We couldn’t believe it – especially as it was Good Friday.”

I suppose it’s reasonable that, if anyone was likely to be chosen for a little divine intervention, it would be someone with a ritual of sticking their gum to a mantelpiece in order to eat Pringles.

But does it really look like Jesus? You be the judge:

Jesus Christ can also be found on the underside of school classroom desks up and down the land. Typical – always the last place you bloody look…

Daughter Charni, 16, excitedly called The Herald to relate the story.

She said: “We can’t believe how much it looks like Jesus; we’ve been telling everyone about it.”

Nelly said: “Me and my daughters were jumping around the room.”

The family say they are not religious, but thought it was special that it happened at Easter time, and also on the day before Nelly’s birthday. She said: “It was a real moment.”

The Nodens say they have kept the piece of gum as a memento.

Stop the world – I want to get off.


Written by Paddy

April 16, 2010 at 10:41 am

Immortalised in Lego

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Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has enough on her plate without this.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 9 April 2010 (story):

Darlington student makes Lego Amy Winehouse

SINGER Amy Winehouse has been immortalised in Lego thanks to a budding artist. Justin Ramsden has been fascinated by Lego since he discovered the joy of destroying his brother’s models as a boy.

Now as an art and design student at Queen Elizabeth Sixth Form College, in Darlington, Justin believes Lego is more than a children’s toy – it can be used as a powerful art form.

As part of his BTEC course in art and design Justin chose to design a full-sized bust of a British icon out of 3,000 pieces of Lego.

He said:  “I’ve been a fan for a while and she is quite cult British even though she does mess her life around so I decided to build Amy”, said Justin, 19, from Darlington.

The article’s dubious claim that it’s possible to be ‘immortalised in Lego’ is further discredited towards the end of the report:

Justin can’t afford to keep the models he has made and has to destroy them so he has enough Lego for his next project.

This is just typical of Britain’s ‘build them up to knock them down’ attitude towards celebrity.

And this online comment is wonderfully typical of Britain’s attitude towards students, drugs, sense of nationhood, and toilets.

Written by Paddy

April 11, 2010 at 8:03 pm

The Incredible Hulk

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There’s no doubt about it,  eyewitness accounts are dumbing down. First it was police in Bolton on the hunt for someone ‘white and large’, and now this.

Derby Telegraph, 15 March 2010 (story):

‘The hulk’ bit off my nose

A REVELLER has spoken of his horror at having part of his nose bitten off by a man who witnesses say looked like The Hulk.

Detective Constable Manjit Johal said: “A search of the dance floor was carried out but the nose was not found.

“The victim can’t recall any clothing but a lot of witnesses have told us that he had a ripped top and looked like The Hulk.

“We assume this lad has got a taxi at about 1am, and we would like to hear from taxi drivers if they remember taking someone home who looks like The Hulk.”

Judging by the average crowd in Booze Britain’s town centres at weekends, the Derbyshire Constabulary will no doubt have been inundated with calls.

Thank you to Mary Harmon.

Written by Paddy

April 6, 2010 at 10:52 am

Top of the vox pops

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Ah, the dreaded ‘vox pop’. A staple feature of regional newspaper coverage against all better judgement, this peculiar exercise sees news reporters regularly dispatched into the dangerous streets in search of pithy comments from the unemployed and those running errands. The aim is to survey the view of the man in the street on the hot topic of the day, but quite why this might be desirable is anyone’s guess. In the words of Sid Vicious: “I’ve met the man in the street – he’s a cunt.”

Nobody in the office wants it to be their turn to do the vox pop, hence many journalists look to pass the task to the work experience kid or new recruit at the first opportunity. Coming fresh into the industry and being forced to thrust oneself upon the awful general public with no meaningful journalistic purpose is a steep learning curve, and is enough to put some off the job for life.

Whoever’s turn it was to do the vox pop for the Nottingham Evening Post towards the beginning of the month found themselves in for a treat while canvassing opinions about the political nous of a prospective celebrity MP on the streets of Sutton-in-Ashfield – quite literally a world apart from the glamour of the GMTV sofa (obviously).

Nottingham Evening Post, 6 March 2010 (story):

Gloria brings GMTV glam to Notts

THE glamour of the GMTV sofa may seem a world apart from the streets of Sutton-in-Ashfield.

So when presenter Gloria De Piero quit her television career and moved to the Notts pit town, it caused something of a stir.

Although the 37-year-old remains gagged from speaking to the press about what she would bring as MP, one of her qualities appears to have been more forthcoming to people in Sutton-in-Ashfield.

“She’s peng!” said trainee electrician Daniel O’Neill, 19, whose description means “sexy girl” or “fit” in ‘street talk’.

“Maybe we need somebody young and good looking. If she knows what she is on about, why not?

Yeah! If she’s a sexy girl or fit, why not?!

Actually, he might be right...

Rob Williams, owner of sandwich shop The Filling Station, said: “It needs a shake-up around here. I have voted Labour but I won’t be doing again.

“I don’t think the councils are very well run. I spoke to Geoff Hoon about a problem I had and he never helped.”

Market trader Darren Heatherington, 42, said from behind his stall of colourful rugs: “Gloria is a nice looking woman and has been on GMTV. She’s got a good chance. A lot of people can vote for the wrong reasons.”

The decision to have an all-women shortlist sparked controversy among the local Labour campaigners, who had asked party leaders for an open list.

They feared that, because Miss De Piero is not local to Ashfield, she may be an absent MP, or “another Geoff Hoon in a skirt”, as one disgruntled activist said.

Precisely how many ‘Geoff Hoons in skirts’ have there been? And why hasn’t this received more coverage?

Darren succinctly sums up 'The Widdecombe Factor'.

Honestly, the professional political commentators will soon be out of jobs.

Written by Paddy

March 23, 2010 at 10:40 am

Newsflash: Norman Tebbit admits wrongdoings

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It’s always heartwarming when an ignorant old bigot of a Tory like Norman Tebbit holds his hands up and says: “I was wrong.”

Unfortunately, he’s only admitting to being wrong about the origin of some empty wine bottles in Bury St Edmunds so far, but still, it’s progress.

East Anglian Daily Times, 24 November 2009:

Lord Tebbit’s apology to local pub

WHEN the manager of a town centre pub noticed someone piling empty wine bottles onto its window ledges late one Sunday night he got a bit of a shock when he went outside to ask why he was doing it.

As he drew closer he realised it was none other than Lord Tebbit, a formidable high-profile member of Margaret Thatcher’s Conservative government in the 1980s when, as Employment Secretary, he was the scourge of the trade unions.

Joel Shepherd, 28, manager of the Queen’s Head in Bury St Edmunds, said: “I was a bit surprised to say the least and I asked him what he was doing. He turned around and was clearly quite agitated, saying the bottles were obviously from the pub and he was returning them for us.”

Mr Shepherd, who has managed the former coaching inn in Churchgate Street for the past four years, said he tried to explain that the bottles were not sold at his pub.

“It got a little tense so I invited him in to prove that we really were not responsible for the bottles, but at that point he clearly wasn’t in the mood and didn’t take up the offer,” he added.

Oh dear, what a sad way for Tebbit to wile away the latter chapters of his life: wandering around East Anglia in the middle of the night, arranging empty wine bottles on window ledges to no discernible end. Insanity on an Alan Partridgian scale.

It’s interesting that the East Anglian Daily Times appears to acknowledge that being a fan of Tebbit’s politics is on a par with admitting to torturing kittens or providing secure storage facilities for paedophiles.

Mr Shepherd, who admitted to being a fan of Lord Tebbit’s politics, said: “I didn’t expect to hear anything but I have to admit that what happened next only increased my respect for him. I received a personal letter with an apology on headed notepaper, admitting that he had got it wrong.” […]

A further surprise came when Lord Tebbit, a former Financial Times journalist and RAF pilot, visited Mr Shepherd to apologise, insisting he wanted to retain a good relationship with the pub. […]

Lord Tebbit, who stood down as an MP in 1992 and was granted a life peerage, told the EADT that he accepted he had made a mistake and was in complete support of the Queen’s Head.

He said: “I’m totally convinced that the bottles were not from the pub and were in fact from a supermarket. I made a mistake which I was happy to acknowledge and I hope to carry on with the good relationship we now have, and I may well soon take up that offer of a beer very soon.”

What a guy. Now keep on apologising, Tebbit; we’re listening.

Link: Lord Tebbit’s apology to local pub

Written by Paddy

February 22, 2010 at 11:41 am

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