The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for October 2013

Local Paper Twat #2: the angry HMV gift card redeemer

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The Local Paper Twats march on, forever bypassing human decency and sensitivity in the name of making a crap point and getting themselves in the paper.

Our latest Local Paper Twat thought nothing of approaching HMV staff faced with the prospect of shop closure and loss of their annual salaries in order to make a point about a £25 gift card.

Lincolnshire Echo, 24 January 2013 (story):

Grandad hands ‘defunct’ gift card to HMV staff

Feisty grandad Robert Hoare prompted a High Street stand-off with shop staff after swapping what was a defunct gift card for new earphones at HMV in Lincoln.

The 61-year-old said he was “standing up for all those who had lost out” after the beleaguered chain originally announced it would not accept vouchers from customers.

Mr Hoare slapped the £25 card on the counter and left the shop with four packs of earphones. Staff called police, but he kept the goods after officers said it was a civil matter.


Mr Hoare’s grandson, Josh Smith, 18, is a paper boy earning £30 a week. His card was actually issued by HMV as a refund. Mr Hoare, from Rowston, near Sleaford, said he was not afraid to have risked arrest to speak up for all who have lost out.

“I did this for my grandson and all those kids who have not been able to spend their vouchers which people bought for them in good faith,” he said. “Josh works six mornings a week in all weathers delivering papers and the £25 at stake here is nearly a week’s wages for him.

“Had I been arrested, I would have denied theft and gone to court to give publicity to all those kids who have lost out. I have proved my point and I wish more people would take a stand on this.”

Then on Monday, just 48 hours after Mr Hoare’s very public protest, HMV’s administrators performed a u-turn and revealed they would now accept gift cards.

“Egotistically, I think that it was all my fault that they changed their minds,” he said.

Poor paperboy grandson Josh.  Some boys are forever proud of their grandads for fighting fascism, campaigning for social justice or rescuing people from burning buildings, but his grandad will be best known as the man who rubbed an HMV gift card in the face of some shop staff threatened with redundancy. Quite the big man.

Written by Paddy

October 28, 2013 at 7:04 pm

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

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Are there any depths to which humanity will not sink?

Isle of Man Examiner, 27 September 2013 (story):

Children left upset as pumpkins go missing

Children at Scoill Phurt le Moirrey have been left bemused and upset after three pumpkins they were enjoying seeing grow disappeared.

The largest, about 19 inches in diameter, was going to be used at a harvest festival tomorrow (Friday) in Port St Mary. On Tuesday school caretaker Steve Shepherd discovered they had been taken.

Head teacher Sue Mowle said: ‘Pupils have been left learning a lesson about the effects of what may be a crime.


‘The pumpkin has been grown and nurtured with the intention of taking pride of place in the school’s harvest celebrations which culminate with a harvest service in St Mary’s Church on Friday.

‘Following that service, the flesh of the pumpkin was due to be offered to a cafe for use in their soups and pies while the shell was destined to be used later next month for Hop-tu-naa celebrations organised by the parents, teachers and Friends’ Association.

‘Instead, children are now discussing the effect crime can have on its victims. One of the younger pupils optimistically suggested that maybe the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach. Let’s hope that is the case.’

Police constable Robin Arnold said: ‘While this is not the crime of the century, it has had a negative impact on a group of young primary school kids.’

Yes, head teacher Sue Mowle, figure of authority and respect, let’s hope it was the case that the giant pumpkin was needed by Cinderella for a coach… rather than it being the case that the giant pumpkin was devoured at the Mowle family dinner table. Hmmm? Hmmmmmmm? It was definitely either the head teacher or the caretaker. Some people have no shame.

Whoever did it, they’re a brave person to take on these fierce-faced schoolchildren. Just look at the facial venom of that one on the far right. And is he clenching his fists inside his sleeve? No messin’.

Written by Paddy

October 16, 2013 at 7:02 pm

Angry dad achieves Local Paper Twat status

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To the supposedly lefty hotbed of Brighton, where it seems this despicable, cack-headed, double-barrelled scrotum of a ‘business leader’ has accidentally been allowed to settle and integrate into society.

Brighton Argus, 11 October 2013 (story):

Angry dad defies teachers’ strike

A father has warned he will defy a teachers’ strike and take his children to school on the day it closes.

Business leader Paul Yates-Smith said the only alternative was for Saltdean Primary School to compensate him for his lost income and childcare costs.

Mr Yates-Smith, of Brighton Business Bureau, said closures were costing the city thousands of pounds.

In a letter to the school he said: “I am afraid I am unable to support the closure of the school for your industrial action. I shall be bringing my children to school for them to receive the education that they are entitled too (sic).

“I would also like to point out that as parents our time and income is severely affected by this action.


“If you are not able to staff the school adequately, it is only fair that you pay the same fine that you recently pointed out we as parents need to pay for unauthorised absences.

“Please notify me which entrance I should bring my children to on October 17 or where I should send the invoice for the fine your staff should incur for unauthorised absence.”

Mr Yates-Smith added: “I’m fed up of getting just five days’ notice when teachers want to go on strike. Why can’t they arrange for supply teachers to come in? I’m not convinced the school has made any effort to ensure my children get an education on the day.”

Of course he just wants his kids to get an education on the day, a.k.a. he just wants to get rid of his kids for free childcare on the day so he can continue his good work with Brighton Business Bureau, where he presumably sets about enslaving locals into minimum wage labour on a daily basis. [citation provided]

Clearly he hasn’t even stopped to consider the fact that the greatest education his children could possibly receive from their teachers is to learn about when it is necessary and right to act collectively in defence of your hard-earned rights and to reject the politics of division sown by a government of millionaires living in a bubble of privilege. But anyway.

This man is the archetypal Local Paper Twat. Outraged and indignant (check), making a point which lacks any hint of subtlety (check), Gazette-Faced (check) and wrong (check). Local newspapers love the Local Paper Twats because they can create a bit of local controversy and fill up some space on a page.

What a worthless waste of humanity. His skin will be more valuable to society when it dies and forms a thick layer of dust on a desk in Brighton Business Bureau’s premises.

Written by Paddy

October 13, 2013 at 4:21 pm

Posted in Local Paper Twats

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