The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

FFS: For fox sake

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Sometimes the sanctity of local news is horribly soiled. All it takes is a quiet news day and a form of newsdesk desperation which means any old page-filler will do, regardless of how dubious its factual content or psychologically unstable its source. Suddenly your trusty local paper – which you rely on in hours of need for tales of A-road gridlock, locals in the dock or men flashing from under a frock – becomes a pantomime publication.

9 July 2013 was a particularly dark day for the Lewisham News Shopper.

Lewisham News Shopper, 9 July 2013 (story):

Catford fox horror for man on toilet

A CATFORD man was driven potty after being attacked by a fox which burst in on him as he sat on the toilet.

Anthony Schofield claims he was quietly going about his business in the little boys’ room on July 1 when the mangy creature strutted in before mauling him, his partner and his pet cat.

The startled 49-year-old leapt up from the bog with his trousers around his ankles before pursuing the creature around the living room in a farcical fox chase.

Fox loo 1

Mr Schofield, who lives in Ringstead Road, said: “I didn’t even have time to wipe myself.

“I just had to chase after it. It was so quick. The fox had pushed its nose through the door. I jumped off the toilet. In the meantime it had run into the front room and got the cat.

“It had the cat round the neck. She was in shock, bleeding from her face. It locked itself onto my arm but still had the cat as well. It was unbelievable – the strength in the little thing.

Fox loo 2

“There was blood everywhere. It was like a struggle for my life.”

The unemployed carpenter says he eventually managed to free himself from the animal’s jaws by hauling it outside – while it was still latched onto his arm.

He was treated at hospital for cuts and bruises while his 14-year-old rescue cat Jessie sustained facial injuries and is still too scared to enter the living room.

Just thank your lucky stars Mr Schofield survived his vulpine violation and was able to show off his voluptuous thighs in these ludicrous ‘999’-style photo reconstructions. What would Michael Buerk think? That’s what you should ask yourself every day – but especially today.

With thanks to Ben Chisnall, who will never relax on a toilet again.

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Written by Paddy

September 27, 2013 at 10:27 am

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