The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for September 2013

FFS: For fox sake

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Sometimes the sanctity of local news is horribly soiled. All it takes is a quiet news day and a form of newsdesk desperation which means any old page-filler will do, regardless of how dubious its factual content or psychologically unstable its source. Suddenly your trusty local paper – which you rely on in hours of need for tales of A-road gridlock, locals in the dock or men flashing from under a frock – becomes a pantomime publication.

9 July 2013 was a particularly dark day for the Lewisham News Shopper.

Lewisham News Shopper, 9 July 2013 (story):

Catford fox horror for man on toilet

A CATFORD man was driven potty after being attacked by a fox which burst in on him as he sat on the toilet.

Anthony Schofield claims he was quietly going about his business in the little boys’ room on July 1 when the mangy creature strutted in before mauling him, his partner and his pet cat.

The startled 49-year-old leapt up from the bog with his trousers around his ankles before pursuing the creature around the living room in a farcical fox chase.

Fox loo 1

Mr Schofield, who lives in Ringstead Road, said: “I didn’t even have time to wipe myself.

“I just had to chase after it. It was so quick. The fox had pushed its nose through the door. I jumped off the toilet. In the meantime it had run into the front room and got the cat.

“It had the cat round the neck. She was in shock, bleeding from her face. It locked itself onto my arm but still had the cat as well. It was unbelievable – the strength in the little thing.

Fox loo 2

“There was blood everywhere. It was like a struggle for my life.”

The unemployed carpenter says he eventually managed to free himself from the animal’s jaws by hauling it outside – while it was still latched onto his arm.

He was treated at hospital for cuts and bruises while his 14-year-old rescue cat Jessie sustained facial injuries and is still too scared to enter the living room.

Just thank your lucky stars Mr Schofield survived his vulpine violation and was able to show off his voluptuous thighs in these ludicrous ‘999’-style photo reconstructions. What would Michael Buerk think? That’s what you should ask yourself every day – but especially today.

With thanks to Ben Chisnall, who will never relax on a toilet again.


Written by Paddy

September 27, 2013 at 10:27 am

READERS POLL: Should the readers really be allowed an opinion on anything?

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It can be very reckless to take too much notice of public opinion. The main danger is we’ll end up with petty criminals being hanged from lampposts outside our front doors, and that will only lead to one thing: higher council tax bills.

However, Cornwall and Devon’s Western Morning News is a fearless local newspaper and never afraid to gauge its readers’ views on the biggest issues of our time.

poll - big cats - western morning news

poll - shirtless - western morning news

poll - cream teas - western morning news

poll - west country accent - western morning news

PLEASE VOTE NOW! In light of the evidence above, please vote in our first ever Nether Regions readers poll.

Written by Paddy

September 23, 2013 at 3:30 pm

Posted in Polls

Gazette Faces, Vol. 11 + Gazette Faces: The Movie

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It’s time for your face to lose all of its definition as you savour the latest catalogue of the Gazette Faced masses. At the end of this post we also have a special gift for you to celebrate the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces…

Taxi driver thought he was a ‘goner’ after attack and robbery (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


Nope, he’s all there.

Guisborough wind farm row blows on after consultation (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


He must feel like he’s pointing in the wind.

THE BIG DEBATE: Should Lincolnshire have more wind farms? (Lincolnshire Echo)


This fossil is certainly fuelling the BIG DEBATE. Although it should be said that holding a glossy magazine open in such a menacing manner is quite a skill.

Anger after thieves take road safety signs outside school in Louth (Grimsby Telegraph)


Stockton High Street revamp: ‘I was admiring it – then I fell on my face’ (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


Wheelchair-bound dog who helped save his owner’s life has died (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


You know when you read one of those headlines which gives you a really warm, comforting glow inside until you get to the last two words?

Residents air concerns over Saltersgill bus stop changes (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


Allotment holders vow to fight Grimsby Town stadium plans (Grimsby Telegraph)


Stockton bike shop ramraid men bailed (Middlesbrough Evening Gazette)


I can’t believe they’re being so brazen about their crime.

Residents fear plans to build homes will turn Holton-le-Clay into a town (Grimsby Telegraph)


Arrrrrggghhhhh! Not a town!!! This trio simply aren’t ready to be townsfolk.

And now…

Gazette Faces: The Movie

Celebrating the first 10 volumes of Gazette Faces on The Nether Regions, a series of Gazette Faces from Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette set to the heart-rending sounds of ‘We Are Teesside’, the area’s emotional mid-90s promotional anthem. Sound essential.

Link: The video’s YouTube page.

Written by Paddy

September 12, 2013 at 11:51 am

Posted in Gazette Faces

The grass is always shorter on the other side

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To the suburbs of Nottingham, where the residents refuse to let the grass grow under their feet. But concerned residents Bill and Sylvia Fenton’s lives have been turned upside down since finding themselves victims of the most brutal aspects of the coalition government’s austerity agenda.

They may not have been driven out of work or had their benefits cut to the point of starvation but, worse, they have faced the degradation and humiliation of having longer grass than their neighbours across the street as a result of cuts to local authority budgets.

Nottingham Post, 12 June 2013 (story):

Carlton couple return from holiday to find grass by their street cut to different lengths

A PAIR of bemused Carlton pensioners returned from holiday to find patches of grass on either side of their street cut at completely different lengths.

Bill, 65, and Sylvia Fenton, 67, of Shelford Road, Carlton, were baffled when they were told it was because one side of the road, at the junction with County Road, is managed by Notts County Council while the other is looked after by Gedling Borough Council.


A month later, the 75-square-metre space outside the Fentons’ house has been left to grow up to 12 inches long while the other side has been cut again.

“It feels like it’s not on their list of things to do,” said Bill. “We just don’t feel like we’re getting the service we pay for. I drove through Burton Joyce yesterday and all the patches of grass look like billiard tables.”

If you want to look at a billiard table then get down to your local working mens’ club and put your 50p on the side of the table like the rest of us, you human lawnmoaner.

There are some astonishing local authority grass facts in the rest of the report.

Both councils said grass is cut purely for safety reasons, not to make the surrounding area look nice.

Gedling Borough Council cuts its grass areas 14 times a season, between March and October, compared to Notts County Council, which cuts five times between April and September.

Dave Walker, the county council’s district highways manager for Gedling, said: “The county council is responsible for cutting more than 5,000 kilometres of grass verge right across the county. There was a delay starting this year due to bad weather which, unfortunately, also helps the grass to grow that bit quicker.”

The county council also added that cost plays a part in the number of times grass is trimmed and that grass grows at varying speeds in different areas, depending on the soil.

And that’s your grass facts, for now.

Thanks to Paul Forster for picking out this press cutting.

Written by Paddy

September 10, 2013 at 10:31 am

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