The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for April 2013

“It was like a scene from that Hitchcock film ‘The Birds'”

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Back to Wisbech, where everything happens for a reason.

Wisbech Standard, 7 March 2013 (story):

Man describes witnessing pigeon fireball

OVERHEAD cables touched under the weight of perched pigeons causing an explosion which sent them hurtling to their death in a giant fireball and set fire to the field below.

This extraordinary event was witnessed by Ron Laverick, of Benwick Road, who says it was reminiscent of Alfred Hitchcock’s film ‘The Birds’

pigeonfireball

He said: “Sparks went everywhere, some pigeons were incinerated, others dropped into the ditch and the fire raged.

“A few pigeons settled on the top wire and then more and more followed. Soon there were 30 pigeons purched there, then 30 more, then 50 more, unitl there must have been 400 pigeons on there.

“The top wire was sinking lower and lower because of the weight of the pigeons but still more came, until unlucky pigeon 615 landed, the wires touched and there was a massive explosion.

“We could not believe what we were witnessing. It was like a scene from that Hitchcock film ‘The Birds’.”

A Cambridgeshire Fire and Rescue spokesman said: “When we got there a witness did say they saw pigeons on the line.”

Is that all the Cambridgeshire Fire and Rescue spokesman has to say on the matter? He is no Barry Norman.

thebirds

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Written by Paddy

April 12, 2013 at 11:05 am

The chicken curry with no chicken in it

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Heard about the time the Worcester News took on retail giant Asda, and won? If not, then you’re clearly not reading the Worcester News enough.

But first things first. Personally, if I bought an Asda chicken curry ready meal which was missing the ‘chicken’, I’d be mightily relieved rather than get all miserable and Gazette-Facey about it.

Worcester News, 23 February 2013 (story):

The chicken curry – with no chicken in it

A FURIOUS shopper has vowed never to return to a supermarket after he found his chicken curry contained no chicken.

chicken curry

Darren Ford bought the meal from Asda in St Martin’s Quarter, Worcester, on Monday as part of a £6 deal. But when his family sat down to eat the food on Wednesday night, they were shocked to find the curry contained just sauce.

The married father-of-one then had to spend a further £20 on a takeaway to feed his wife Louise, 14-year-old Tara and her friend. However, when the trained chef complained to Asda, they refused to reimburse him for the extra expense.

The 44-year-old, of Guildford Close, Ronkswood, said: “It’s not something we regularly do because I’m a chef, but as it was the Brits and my wife had been working all week we thought we’d have it.

“I put it in the oven and I’m looking at it and thinking, ‘Where’s the chicken?’. We had to spend £20 on a takeaway because I can’t drive and it was late at night. I phoned customer services to be told I was only going to get a refund and a £5 gift voucher. I’ve told them they can keep their gift card and I won’t be going in there again.”

Thankfully, the Worcester News stepped in and saved the day, in a dispute which I’m sure went all the way to Walmart HQ .

After your Worcester News contacted Asda, they upped their offer to Mr Ford to a £35 voucher. He said he would spend the gift card on “anything but food”.

Maybe he can visit the books section and use the voucher for some cookbooks. He is a chef after all.

Thanks to Ben Chisnall.

Written by Paddy

April 5, 2013 at 2:33 pm

“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

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In English law, the whole concept of law itself is redundant where defence of one’s property is concerned. Since Tony Martin, British public opinion – the only meaningful barometer of what is right and just – is on the side of giving total freedom for homeowners to murder fellow human beings if they’re not welcome in their house. Some choose to customise the wiring of the reclining armchairs in their living rooms so they can double up as domestic electric chairs for the purposes of meting out the ultimate home-made justice on any unwanted intruders. The justice system will simply turn a blind eye.

In Romford, one homeowner is extending this legal principle to tackling the squirrel menace.

Romford Recorder, 19 March 2013 (story):

House fire started by a squirrel disrupts funeral procession through Romford

A funeral car broke rank mid-procession and sped off toward its passenger’s house – where a squirrel had started a fire.

Friend of the deceased and former Havering councillor Alby Tebbutt, 73, was in the final car of a procession in Brentwood Road in the afternoon of Friday, March 8, when he received an unwelcome phone call.

“I had a fellow in my house putting a new bathroom in,” he told the Recorder. “He had the window open and saw smoke coming out the garage roof.

“So he rang the fire brigade and then rang me.”

Mr Tebbutt initially believed the caller was pulling his leg – but as it dawned on him the fire was no wind-up he realised he had to get home, funeral or no funeral.

“I said to the driver: ‘I’m telling you, my house is on fire. Go left here.’

“The driver said: ‘I can’t go left – I’m in a funeral.’

“I said: ‘Never mind that. Turn left.’”

A fire brigade spokesman said the mischievous rodent had chewed through the cable of a fluorescent light, sparking an electrical fire that quickly spread through the garage.

shoothtesquirrels

“I’ll shoot all the squirrels”

“It’s nuts to think that squirrels can start fires, but that’s exactly what happened here,” he admitted. “We think it was nesting in the garage and caused the blaze by chewing through some cables.”

Self-proclaimed “animal lover” Mr Tebbutt said he was nearing the end of his tether with the rodents.

“I put nuts out for the birds but the squirrels keep eating them,” he revealed. “Whatever contraption I put up, they seem to beat me. It’s a battle between me and the squirrels.

“I put up with that but now they’ve set my house on fire I’ve decided I’m going to shoot them all.”

Thank heavens we were less trigger happy in the Cold War.

Written by Paddy

April 2, 2013 at 4:02 pm

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