The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for February 2013

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl

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As a child I used to get harassed by teen ruffians in my provincial coastal hometown too, but it was only ever over my extraordinary bike stabilisers or extraordinary home haircuts. Never over anything as extraordinary as an owl.

Morecambe Visitor, 25 October 2012 (story): 

Silly string attack on boy carrying owl 

An 11-year-old boy was punched and sprayed with ‘silly string’ by a gang of teenagers – who were trying to steal an owl.

The bird had been taken by the boy and his friend to be displayed at an event just off Morecambe Promenade last Saturday.

The pair were walking along Euston Road between 3pm and 4pm when they were approached by the gang of around 10 teenagers outside Pound Fever.

One of the gang said “Give me your owl,” and adopted a boxing pose.

With an outstretched arm he then sprayed both boys with the silly string while shouting abuse.

The shocked 11-year-old boy, who is from Morecambe, threw his drink at the teen before taking the owl from his friend. He was then twice punched to the side of the head as he and his friend fled in separate directions.

PC Ben Hanley said: “This is a really odd incident.”

Tit for tat + twit twoo = a twit for twat twoo incident, more like.


Written by Paddy

February 18, 2013 at 4:09 pm

Whitby’s catch: Ant and Dec

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Once again to Whitby, where there’s nothing quite like the visit of two smug Geordies off the telly to get the locals excited.

Whitby Gazette, 10 January 2013 (story):

Whitby goes celebrity spotting

WHITBY went celeb-spotting this week as the nation’s favourite TV presenters turned up in town to film a new advert.

As word spread that Ant and Dec were in Whitby on Wednesday, crowds gathered outside the fish market to catch a glimpse of the duo who were shooting an advert for Morrison’s after teaming up with the supermarket last week.


The trip down the coast from their native Newcastle brought back memories for Dec who had been to Whitby before.

He added: “It was years ago when I came.”

That’s clearly a lie, you randy thing.

The visit of this so-called ‘Ant’ and his so-called friend, the so-called ‘Dec’ (real names PJ and Duncan), will be solely responsible for plummeting levels of educational attainment in the Whitby area.

Just before they headed off home they spent time posing for photographs and signing autographs for the waiting crowds.

They included Whitby Community College students Adam Clarkson, Ben Lawson-Green and Marc Butler who had ‘bunked off’ to go to see Ant and Dec.

Adam said: “We just caught him going to the toilet as we went to get a bacon sandwich.

“He told us to wait and then he shook our hands and I said I enjoyed the mullet joke but he said it got boring after the 50th time.”

Never meet your heroes: they’ll only disappoint you by shaking your hand immediately after urinating. Typical Geordies.

Written by Paddy

February 12, 2013 at 11:34 am

Enormous Massive Egg

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Bolton awoke to the news today that customers are literally flocking to a local shop to get a glimpse of a wonder egg that has sent shock waves across the world. Well, the hen and grocery worlds at least.

The Bolton News, 05 February 2013 (story)

ONE hen has performed “eggs-tradinary” — after laying one of Britain’s biggest eggs.

Note to editor: if you’re happy to publish an article la(i)den with egg-scruciating egg puns, please ensure that the first one is not only hard-hitting but is also correctly spelt and makes sense.

But I digress.

The egg, which came from a chicken at an allotment in Breightmet, is four times the usual size of an egg.

It weighs 6.75oz (191g) is 8.25in in circumference and is 4in tall.

Normally, a large egg in the UK would weight about 73g.

Now I’m interested, tell me more.

Terry Paulcrompton was so “eggs-static” when he discovered the giant egg he took it to show his pal Laszlo Hamar, owner of nearby Wise Buys Discount Store in Bury Road. Mr Hamar said: “It’s the biggest egg I have ever seen. It’s absolutely enormous.

Quiet at the back.

Terry was really shocked when he found it, and when I saw it I couldn’t believe it either. “We have been looking on the internet and we think it’s one the biggest eggs ever laid in England.”

Terry looking shocked

Terry’s pal Lazlo showing off the massive egg

Not just the largest egg laid in England, Terry, but the largest in Britain!

Because apparently:

The largest egg laid in Britain weighed in at 6.6oz and was produced by a Rhode Island chicken last year.

That, if my maths is correct, is a whole 0.15oz lighter than Terry’s find. Like Neil Kinnock, Kris Akabusi must be All Right-ing at the news.

And it’s not just the two pals that are egg-cited by their find.

…visitors have been flocking to view the egg, which is now on display at the shop.

Mr Hamar, aged 55, from Ainsworth, said: “Lots of people have been coming in to take photos of it.”

“Everyone is really shocked when they see it.”

Shell shocked, one can only assume. Much like the poor mother hen.

Written by MK

February 5, 2013 at 9:44 pm

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