The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Garden fall horse

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The headline of the story below refers to a ‘garden fall horse’. To the uninitiated this might seem like three completely unrelated words thrown together into a nonsensical string of headline, but is in fact an example of a very sophisticated formula often deployed to great effect by local newspaper sub-editors.

Location +  verb + identity =  a headline which tells the story on its own. ‘Garden fall horse’ clearly means a horse has fallen in a garden. See? Almost no need to bother reading the story. See also:

  • CLIFF PLUNGE MAN (man in tragic death plunge from a cliff)
  • BAKERY CURSE GRAN (grandmother hurls steak bake vulgarities at Greggs staff)
  • GYMNASIUM DECAPITATION PIGEON (pigeon gets neck lodged in crosstrainer)

Anyway, I know it’s unfashionable to criticise horses, but how the hell do you slip off a field?

Whitby Gazette, 18 January 2013 (story): 

Fire crew rescues garden fall horse

A HORSE was left bloodied and battered after slipping from its field into the yard of a cottage near St Mary’s Church on Friday morning.

garden fall horse

The three-year-old cob named Flash escaped from the Donkey Field over a low fence and slipped into the back yard of a property behind East Abbey Terrace at around 2am. 

As it fell the animal banged its head against the building, smashing a double-glazed window and suffering deep cuts to its head. 

The cottage owner said she was awoken by a loud bang at around 2.30am. She said: “I kept hearing noises and thought it was the neighbours.”

You have to wonder what kind of noise this lady is used to hearing from the neighbours if it’s similar to the sound of a distressed, head-mashed garden fall horse.

A crew from Whitby were called at around 8am and while a plan was formulated to get the animal out of the yard, firefighter Jay Fildes kept the cob calm, nicknaming the animal ‘Sid’ due to its likeness to a colleague.

Terry Naylor, who keeps horses nearby, arrived on the scene and was able to slowly guide the horse through an outhouse and down icy steps.

Two things: (a) I’m reeling from the criminal lack of elaboration about this ‘Sid’ character back at the fire station, and (b) guiding a horse through an outhouse and down some icy steps really ought to be a game on ‘The Cube’ (pull your finger out, Schofield).

Everybody can relax: there is a happy ending to this tale of near-equinogeddon.

While owner Jason Anderson was sought, Flash was placed in another field and assessed by vet Libby Beck, who said that the animal would make a full recovery.

Hooray. So then, a much-celebrated stay of execution from the Tesco beef burger production line for our brave Sid.


Written by Paddy

January 21, 2013 at 10:46 am

Posted in Local tedium

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