The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Not really cardboard cut-out for a career in sales

with 5 comments

This is a very sad episode in the life of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

It’s all very well that local newspapers publish classified adverts so the locals can wheel and deal in household appliances and the like, but when such adverts become the story it’s a different matter, and surely the lowest form of regional media coverage.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 26 November 2010 (story):

Billingham hubby says goodbye to Angelina

A DIE-HARD Angelina Jolie fan is parting company with his beloved Lara Croft life-sized cut-out after his wife took a disliking to her.

Michael Coleman has decided to go his separate ways from the imitation Tomb Raider heroine after nine happy years together.

Michael said: “Angelina used to get quite a bit of attention from my mates. They used to think she was mint but Julie didn’t like her.”

But the couple are now planning a move to the Stevenage area, where Julie’s brother lives, and Michael has decided it’s time to say goodbye to Angelina.

Michael, of Evesham Way, Billingham, said: “Apart from my wife, Angelina is the perfect woman. I want her to go to a good home.” The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter, who recently qualified after completing a college course, has put the figure, his “pride and joy”, up for sale.

Is it a requirement of being a qualified kitchen and bathroom fitter that you wear a jumper which advertises your tiling skills?

Clearly, the Evening Gazette doesn’t quite command the consumer pulling power everybody thought it did:

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 4 January 2011 (story):

Teessiders snub Billingham ‘Angelina Jolie’ sale

ONE of the world’s most beautiful Hollywood stars has been snubbed by Teessiders.

Despite attracting a flurry of attention on the Gazette’s website after featuring in our paper, few prospective buyers put their money where their mouth was to bid for the beauty. Disappointed by the reaction, Michael, 35, and his wife Julie, of Evesham Way, have now decided she can stay put.

The unemployed kitchen and bathroom fitter said: “I thought she would have been in popular demand but we did not really get that many offers.

“She folds in half and she is on top of the wardrobe. I don’t know if we will have her on display again, if we get a games room maybe.”

The mum of seven, whose children range in age from 13 to 25, said: “When we got burgled it put the wind up me seeing her there.”

But she said: “I’m quite happy to keep hold of her. In a few years she could be worth a bit more and we can pass her down through the family.”

Julie said her grandaughter Kelsie Willans, three, even has a look of the star. She said: “The cut-out might even go to Kelsie. She will probably look like her because she is gorgeous. She has the same lips.”

Yeah, your grandaughter probably will look like Angelina Jolie, obviously.

And no doubt one day you’re going to try and flog her in the local newspaper too, are you, are you? Shameful stuff.


Written by Paddy

January 28, 2011 at 1:02 pm

5 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. “She folds in half and she is on top of the wardrobe.” MINT!


    January 28, 2011 at 1:15 pm

  2. Now if instead of “she folds in half” they’d said “she bends over backwards”, they’d have got a sale for sure.


    January 28, 2011 at 1:48 pm

  3. If that’s his wife, I can understand why he has that cardboard cutout. His wife’s the one in the middle, right?

    Humberto Dingledong

    January 31, 2011 at 9:27 pm

  4. ‘The mum of seven’, ‘mint’, ‘unemployed’, ‘burgled’, ‘Teesside’.

    What a gorgeous looking wife that man has………..


    February 1, 2011 at 12:03 pm

  5. Surely that’s his mum?

    Your father is your brother
    Your sister is your lover
    You like to **** each other
    The Teeside family

    (sing to the tune of ‘The Adams Family’)

    Cornelius Balfour

    April 6, 2011 at 12:00 am

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: