The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

It’s a dog’s life

with 5 comments

It seems the concept of dog ownership will always give rise to existential debate in the letters pages of regional newspapers.

This correspondent doesn’t take kindly to another reader’s jibe that not having a dog = not having a life. And he executes his rage with a wonderful level of passive aggression.

Whitby Gazette, 26 March 2008:

Dogs on the beach – the debate continues

May I, as someone who has not got a dog and therefore, according to a previous letter writer has not got a life, speak out for the thousands of people who do not want dogs and therefore also do not have lives.

May I first list the things a dog can offer to people with and without lives.

It can bark, eat, defecate (very often illegally but only where its idle or irresponsible owners allow it to), smell, put its nose in parts of our anatomy where its owners may like it (but those of us without a life definitely don’t), lick your face after it has explored the nether regions of fellow mutts with its tongue, bound up to us lifeless ones and our children and knock them over (he’s only playing you know), copulate with your leg (he really likes you), yap endlessly when left tethered outside shops (he misses his mummy) and chase livestock because it is illegally unleashed.

I offer the paved walk from Prospect Hill to Ruswarp as a regular example but mind where you put your feet.

It cannot smile, talk, think, frown, understand every word you say or use a toilet.

I would sometimes really love to have a life.

But if this involves daily walking around with a bag full of dog faeces in my hand then I think I would rather not have a life and if the only way Ms Barnett can make friends is by having a dog, perhaps she should seek help.

James Smith, Whitby

I must say, it’s too rare that the paved walk from Prospect Hill to Ruswarp is offered as a regular example of anything. Hats off.


Written by Paddy

January 10, 2011 at 12:56 pm

5 Responses

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  1. Glad to hear that dogs are reading this blog too.


    January 10, 2011 at 5:19 pm

  2. While searching for this letter online, I found another exciting dog related article from the whitby gazette.

    A DOG walker had the shock of her life when she found a foot-long octopus washed up on Sandsend beach.

    Lynne Roberts (61) of The Carrs, Briggswath, was walking along the sands with her two dogs Jamie and Holly when she came across the eight-legged creature half way along the beach between Sandsend and Upgang, around 10 metres from the steps down to the beach near Sandsend Stores.

    Mrs Roberts said in the many years she has been walking on the beach she has never seen an octopus although her husband Chris has found rays in the past.

    She realised instantly the creature was dead and put it in a bucket of water.

    What a scoop.

    Cesar Millan

    January 11, 2011 at 12:42 pm

  3. James Smith is actually spot on. Most dog owners are brainless idiots who like getting licked by dog-dick tongue.


    January 11, 2011 at 12:49 pm

  4. What was this woman hoping to achieve by putting the octopus in a bucket of water?? Does she want a blinkin medal for her quick thinking??


    January 11, 2011 at 5:30 pm

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