The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for November 2010

That’s when good Neighbours…

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Sometimes, a barefaced crime is the easiest to get away with.

Not in this case, mind.

Maidenhead Advertiser, 4 October 2010 (story):

Bungling burglar stole neighbour’s curtains for his home

It was curtains for a burglar who was rumbled after he stole his next door neighbour’s nets and put them up in his own window.

Jason Williams was caught out when his neighbours spotted the curtains and asked why he had got them.

The 38-year-old was jailed for burglary for two years and five months at Reading Crown Court on Friday for the crime, which his own barrister described as ‘not very sophisticated’.

He broke down boarding on the home and stole the net curtains, tools, two glass ashtrays and some lamb steaks from the freezer.

Perhaps he just wasn’t barefaced enough; he should’ve put the lamb steaks in the ashtrays and left them on the window sill between the curtains and the glass.  He’ll know for next time.


Written by Paddy

November 29, 2010 at 12:24 pm

Posted in Bravery, Justice

Road leads to headache for Castle Point Council

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What’s in a (road) name? If you live in the Canvey area of Castle Point, Essex, then it’s a nightmare of controversy and confusion.

Hats off for the “come on ref!” gesture in this photo.

Castle Point Advertiser, 18 November 2010 (story):

AN UNNAMED road with three different identities has caused controversy between a school governor and council bosses.

John Pharro, of Orrmo Road, Canvey, asked Castle Point Council to rename the former borough tip access lane – known locally as ‘Tip Road’ – because the site is now part of Canvey Heights Country Park.

The council carried out a consultation into the renaming without success and added to the confusion by stating the stretch was also called ‘Newlands Marsh Access Road’ and ‘Creek Road’.

The grandfather said: “I am passionate about the area and Tip Road does not sound pleasing, so I suggested renaming the road after a dignitary. This backfired on me because the council told me the road had a name but were unsure what it was actually called, so I asked them to find out and put a sign up.

“I did not expect after almost two years that such a simple request would turn into a nightmare.”

In the words of media personality Danny Dyer: PROPER NIGHTMARE.

Poor old John Pharro of Orrmo Road; he’s already got an inordinate number of double-Rs to contend with in his life, and now this.

Lovely informative fact at the end of the article:

• The road once featured on television programme 999 when ambulance crews were lost and did not know what road they were down.

Which just goes to show.

Thanks to Roddy Campbell.

Written by Paddy

November 25, 2010 at 12:52 pm

Harping back to the parking bays

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Why is it that old people are always willing to be locked up? No wonder the prisons are so overcrowded.

If nothing else, this story is an important lesson in car dashboard etiquette.

The Echo, Southend, 22 November 2010 (story):

Irene, 90: I’ll go to jail rather than pay fines

A 90-YEAR-OLD woman says she’ll go to prison rather than pay two parking tickets she was given in the space of just 15 minutes.

Irene Reynolds found her car, parked near her home in Old Leigh High Street, had been given a ticket because she had accidentally left a glove covering part of her disabled permit.

Still seething about parking wardens’ meanness, she drove off to take a friend to Leigh Broadway, where she parked on Leigh Hill, near St Clement’s Church.

Her friend left her a Mars bar on the dashboard as a thank you present for the lift – and it covered part of her parking permit. The result: Another ticket.

Retired headmistress Mrs Reynolds, who is recovering from a broken leg, said of the second incident: “I popped in to a nearby store and when I came back, I could see the wardens standing there laughing their heads off. I hobbled as fast as I could to the car, but was horrified to find another ticket.

“My friend had left a Mars bar on the dashboard for me, to say thanks for the lift, but he had accidentally put part of the chocolate over my permit.”

Euphemism of the Day: he’d put part of his chocolate over her permit.

This is a truly heartbreaking tale. It is almost unthinkable that items as innocuous as a lone glove and a Mars bar could be directly responsible for unleashing such pain on the vulnerable in society. Not that Irene is going down without a fight, of course:

The former head of the old Westminster School, in Westcliff, added: “I couldn’t believe they could all be so heartless. I know you have to display the permit clearly, but it wasn’t completely covered. It was quite obvious I had a permit. I absolutely refuse to pay these fines.

“I will go to prison before I pay a penny. It’s too silly for words and just so unfair.”

The council has promised to look into the incidents after the Echo raised them with it.

She’ll get off. Retired headmistresses always do.

Written by Paddy

November 23, 2010 at 11:41 am

Something in the water

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Here’s one for all you teenagers out there.

Eastern Daily Press, 5 November 2010:

Norwich’s Sportspark swimming pool re-opens

The swimming pool at Norwich’s Sportspark has re-opened after a child contaminated the pool last night.

The pool at the University of East Anglia complex was cleared after the incident early on Thursday evening.

Staff at the Sportspark started their deep water cleansing process as soon as possible to ensure that there would be no possibility of risk to bathers in the future.

The process involved using increased water cleansing processes so that all the 1.5 million litres of water in the pool is cleansed three times. Treatment has been completed and the pool has re-opened.

Keith Nicholls, Sportspark director, said: “We apologise for the inconvenience caused to customers by circumstances beyond our control.”

Ah, the old “circumstances beyond our control” line, which always sounds so disconcertingly vague. And probably with good reason.

Written by Paddy

November 18, 2010 at 1:45 pm

Paedogeddon in Bromley

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Trying to think of reasons to object to a planning application to convert a house into a nursery? Traffic, obviously… Noise, of course… And sod it, throw in paedophiles for good measure.

Back with a vengeance: ANGRY residents. How we have missed you.

Thanks to Tabloid Watch for the photo.

Bromley News Shopper, 31 October 2010 (story):

ANGRY residents are campaigning against a house being turned into a nursery because they fear it will increase noise and traffic and could attract paedophiles.

Sunnyfields Day Nurseries Ltd has applied to Bromley Council for permission to turn residential house number 5 Pickhurst Park in Bromley into a nursery for up to 52 children. Around 30 people living nearby have written to the council and more than 140 have signed a petition to oppose the application.

Mum-of-two Natalie Rooney, aged 30, said: “We think there will be traffic problems because of all the parents dropping off and picking up their children.

“We think there will be noise problems because the children will be playing outdoors. We are also worried that paedophiles will be attracted to the area to be close to the nursery.”

Shariff and Hussaina Syed, aged 69 and 61, live next door to number 5, and they fear paedophiles could move into the flats overlooking the property to be close to the children.

Mrs Syed, 61, said: “There are flats overlooking and people could move in there and watch the children. It is a possibility it could happen.”

But why stop at paedophile possibilities? (Now there’s a question.) It is a possibility that rumours of a new ‘nursery’ in the area could attract wayward gardeners, who are, frankly, always very annoying.  It is a possibility the conversion work may involve wolf-whistling builders. It is a possibility one of the nursery tots could strap themselves up with explosives and detonate youthful carnage in the playground, causing minor damage to residents’ vehicles parked nearby.

THESE are the objections the residents should be raising if they’re serious about defeating this nursery application.

While we’re here: shame on the Bromley News Shopper‘s sub-editors for resorting to Daily Express headlines in order to try and shift copies.

Written by Paddy

November 15, 2010 at 12:13 pm

Worms in the news…

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…it simply doesn’t happen enough.

Dunfermline Press, 29 October 2010 (story):

Harry’s war on the worms!

A ROSYTH gardener fears he may never win his war against an invasive garden pest – despite killing more than 3000 of them at his allotment in eight years.

Harry Boyle (78), Mitchell Walk, is attempting to rid his plot of the New Zealand flatworm. The creatures feed on the common earthworm resulting in reduced soil quality.

Harry has had his plot at Rosyth allotments, King’s Road, for 40 years but only noticed the ugly little worms in 1998.

In 2002 he decided to keep a tally of all those he killed.

This tallying of victims is a classic trait of a cold-blooded serial killer. It starts with worms, but who next? One look into these piercing, deadened eyes, and there can be little doubt it will soon be the other allotment holders:

Scientific fact alert: if you can breed canaries, you can count flatworms no bother!

He said, “I used to breed canaries for 30 years so counting flatworms is no bother.

“I fill a diary in each day and I’ve killed 10 today!

So far he has killed 3100 of the flatworms but remains puzzled as to why they continue to blight his plot despite his single-minded efforts to destroy them.

This is exactly how Nazi Germany started.

Wiggly thanks to Ian McColville for turning the soil of this story in his local paper.

Written by Paddy

November 9, 2010 at 11:46 am

Fishy questions in Blackpool

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The Blackpool Gazette never shies away from the big questions:

Despite searching the paper’s website, I’m yet to find the story which might have given rise to this poll. If you’re aware of what possible motivation the staff of the Blackpool Gazette could have for popping the question, please do tell.

I voted yes, obviously.

Written by Paddy

November 4, 2010 at 12:03 pm

Posted in Polls, Utter bullshit

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