The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Police are keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey

with 3 comments

This week in deepest Lincolnshire… is it a squirrell? Is it a monkey? No, it’s just members of the local constabulary managing to trick a newspaper into publishing a police in-joke.

Louth Leader, 13 August 2010 (story):

Monkey spotted running wild near Louth

A POLICEMAN has spotted a monkey running wild near Louth.

PC Paul French, a Neighbour Response Officer from Louth, was on duty travelling along Mill Hill Way in South Cockerington on his way back to Louth Police Station shortly after 11.30am this morning when a monkey ran out into the road in front of the Police car.

“I thought it was a squirrel at first,” explained PC French. “It was a similar size but was dark brown in colour and had a long, straight, upright tail. It paused for a moment standing on its hind legs, looked at me, then scampered off over the hedge”.

Despite searching for the animal, PC French did not get any further sightings of it.

Police are now keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey.

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back at the station.

The saga rumbles on…

Louth Leader, 25 August 2010 (story):

Second sighting for monkey

THE MYSTERY monkey that was spotted down a quiet country lane in South Cockerington has been spotted again.

This time by another police officer, PC Ian Garrick, who saw the creature in the same location on Sunday August 15.

Police are still appealing for anyone to come forward to report a missing monkey which is described as being a similar size to a squirrel, dark brown in colour and having a long straight upright tail.

This description inexplicably fails to mention that the monkey is only visible to police officers.

Show me the monkey.


Written by Paddy

August 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Posted in Utter bullshit

3 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. I lived in that area and never saw any monkeys. I’m disappointed, I like monkeys.

    On a vaguely related note, South Cockerington has a neighbouring village (surprisingly) called North Cockerington. The North Cockerington village sign was subjected to one of the most wonderful pieces of vandalism I have ever witnessed. Spray paint had been strategically applied leaving the following:

    “No— Cock-ring-on”



    August 31, 2010 at 4:38 pm

  2. So let’s get this straight… you’re saying the monkey spotted running wild near Louth had no cock ring on?

    The plot thickens.


    September 2, 2010 at 12:39 am

  3. i live in south cockerington, and i did see the monkey once, but i bet all the cats in the village got the poor thing, as people let there cats out at night, and there 100s of them, as for the monkey he was playing with a wild rabbit playing chase, and it was on bbc radio lincolnshire, both me and my mum saw it, it was a marmerset ( cant spell )

    saw monkey

    January 13, 2012 at 2:08 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: