The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for August 2010

Man tried to rob supermarket armed with a fork

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How to really make a meal of attempted robbery…

Grimsby Telegraph, 20 July 2010 (story):

Man tried to rob Grimsby supermarket armed with a fork

A GRIMSBY man used a fork in an attempt to rob a Grimsby supermarket, but left empty handed.

Grimsby Crown Court heard Stewart Williamson, 29, went into the Somerfield store on November 26, last year, armed with a fork.

He approached staff member Sophie Foster, but when she informed him she couldn’t open the till, he said “I will stab you” and threatened other members of staff before leaving empty handed.

If he left empty handed, then presumably it means he dropped the fork. This goes criminally unmentioned.

All in all, this was a highly ambitious plot. I find it hard enough to use a fork to twirl spaghetti, let alone rob a Somerfield.

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Written by Paddy

August 31, 2010 at 10:44 am

Let the people speak

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A couple of hugely enlightening polls from the local papers.

Blackpool Gazette:

Reading Post:

Thanks to Mark Palmer and Ellie.

Written by Paddy

August 27, 2010 at 10:36 am

Posted in Polls

Police are keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey

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This week in deepest Lincolnshire… is it a squirrell? Is it a monkey? No, it’s just members of the local constabulary managing to trick a newspaper into publishing a police in-joke.

Louth Leader, 13 August 2010 (story):

Monkey spotted running wild near Louth

A POLICEMAN has spotted a monkey running wild near Louth.

PC Paul French, a Neighbour Response Officer from Louth, was on duty travelling along Mill Hill Way in South Cockerington on his way back to Louth Police Station shortly after 11.30am this morning when a monkey ran out into the road in front of the Police car.

“I thought it was a squirrel at first,” explained PC French. “It was a similar size but was dark brown in colour and had a long, straight, upright tail. It paused for a moment standing on its hind legs, looked at me, then scampered off over the hedge”.

Despite searching for the animal, PC French did not get any further sightings of it.

Police are now keen to hear from anyone who may be missing a pet monkey.

I bet they’ll have had a laugh about this back at the station.

The saga rumbles on…

Louth Leader, 25 August 2010 (story):

Second sighting for monkey

THE MYSTERY monkey that was spotted down a quiet country lane in South Cockerington has been spotted again.

This time by another police officer, PC Ian Garrick, who saw the creature in the same location on Sunday August 15.

Police are still appealing for anyone to come forward to report a missing monkey which is described as being a similar size to a squirrel, dark brown in colour and having a long straight upright tail.

This description inexplicably fails to mention that the monkey is only visible to police officers.

Show me the monkey.

Written by Paddy

August 25, 2010 at 1:51 pm

Posted in Utter bullshit

A timetable for bus withdrawal

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You wait ages for a news story about bus timetable uproar, and then two come along at once.

Just look at these ANGRY seething raging locals in Scotland, with their arms folded like an evil troupe of school dinnerladies:

Barrhead News, 26 may 2010 (story):

Bus passengers hit out at bus firm

ANGRY residents are seething at the latest changes to Barrhead’s bus timetable.

Raging locals are fighting back against Arriva after the company cut the number of service stops in Auchenback.

The number three route now loops around the area instead of visiting all the streets and users claim that the cutbacks are causing big problems. […]

Local woman Rita Connelly is also looking for answers: “They never consulted with us. We are the eye of the community and they never contacted us at all and they should have.”

The eye of the community? That’s a bit of an egocentric statement from Rita… doesn’t she realise there is no ‘I’ in community?

Oh wait, there is actually. Sorry.

More hitting out at and blasting bus timetables changes here. This time in Bloody Bournemouth.

Bournemouth Echo, 7 June 2010 (story):

Dorset bus user blasts timetable changes

A SHOP worker fears she may lose her job because of a “pointless” timetable change that will give her just 60 seconds to change buses.

She used to have around six minutes to spare between the two connecting services but, since Sunday, her first bus now leaves slightly later, leaving her with just one minute to change buses.

“I’ve got no chance of getting a comfortable connection,” she said. “I will be on a wing and a prayer as to whether I can make my 8am start at work.”

If she’s got a wing and a prayer to get about with then, frankly, I don’t know why she’s bothering with the 4a bus.

I wonder if this is too small an issue to bother the Prime Minister about?

“I didn’t know where to turn and I am livid about the situation so I decided to go right to the top and write to David Cameron. This is a serious issue now, it affects people’s lives.”

Well that’s that question answered.

Written by Paddy

August 23, 2010 at 11:16 am

The benefit of hand-sight

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The regional media is happy to take its lead from the right wing national gutter press when it comes to scare stories about benefits.

The Bolton News has exhaustively covered the story of Terry Langford, 62, non-cripple, who was recently prosecuted for falsely claiming disability benefits in relation to arthritis. The prosecution was thanks to secret footage of him happily refereeing junior football matches, despite supposedly having awful arthritis affecting his hands, hips, knees and feet (which sounds like an arthritic version of ‘Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes’).

But don’t worry, Britain, the authorities have given him a slap on the wrist now. Although that’s probably the last thing he needed, really, given his condition.

The Bolton News, 31 July 2010 (story):

Whistle blown on benefits cheat referee

A DISABLED man who claimed he was crippled with arthritis was exposed as a benefits cheat — when he was spotted refereeing football matches.

Terry Langford, aged 62, of Corranstone Close, Horwich, got the highest level of allowance and was also receiving care because he said he was unable to cook or dress himself.

But yesterday, a video was played to a court which showed him:

  • Kicking a football while officiating a game
  • Running up and down the pitch to keep up with players
  • Ducking under a fence when making his way on to the pitch
  • Bending over to collect his possessions at the end of a game.

Bending over to collect his possessions… what an utter, utter bastard.

Joanne Tang, prosecuting on behalf of the Department for Work and Pensions, said: “Video footage was taken of him when he was refereeing and he was seen walking 100 yards from one end of the pitch to the other, and jogging and keeping up with play. He was able to stop, start, swivel and turn.”

Walking 100 yards, stopping, starting, swivelling and turning… what an utter, utter bastard.

Video footage also shows Langford stopping to issue a yellow card.

Stopping to issue a yellow card… what an utter, etc.

Marvellously, the link to the story features the damning video footage in extended form, clearly showing this bent ref AMBLING around his car in a painfully slow manner. He’s happy while YOU PAY TAXES for him to POTTER ABOUT.

Thankfully, The Bolton News eventually had the decency to allow Brave Terry to publish his side of the story, replete with a wonderful picture leaving the reader in no doubt about his arthritic hands.

Click to enlarge

Quite a heartbreaking tale, actually. The man was dosing up on painkillers just to make it bearable to do something other than sit still. But oh no… The Bolton News wants its pound of flesh.

Thanks to serial benefit fraudster Matt Kilsby for the story.

Written by Paddy

August 17, 2010 at 11:35 am

Sheep thrills

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Local papers short on material simply love it when there’s a semi-humorous angle to what would otherwise be a tedious everyday occurrence, e.g. one person having their sleep disturbed.

Surrey Comet, 27 July 2010 (story):

Lost sheep wakes Worcester Park resident

While some people trying counting sheep as way of falling asleep, one Worcester Park resident was awoken by an errant ewe wandering through her street.

Michelle Williams was woken at 1am on Sunday night to the sound of bleating in her front garden in Clarkes Avenue.

Dressed in their night clothes, Mrs Williams, 45, and daughter, Jayde, 24, ventured out and tried to lure the sheep towards their home – without a great deal of success.

But Jayde came up with the ingenious idea of recording the sheep bleating on her iphone and then replaying the recording to the animal.

Hearing what it thought was another sheep, the woolly-wanderer finally followed them through the gate at the back of their house and safely into their back garden.

I’m sure there’s a word for this kind of behaviour. Shame on the Surrey Comet for (a) advocating it and (b) publishing tips on how to achieve it.

Some wonderful detail here though:

The sheep even had a slap-up breakfast of bread and shreddies before making friends with the family’s two-year-old pet French Bulldog called Rocky.

Jayde said: “They’ve been touching noses.”

Written by Paddy

August 12, 2010 at 1:57 pm

Important luncheon club update

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Whilst waiting for a train connection at York railway station the other day, I pounced on the opportunity to purchase a copy of the Gazette & Herald,  self-proclaimed as “Ryedale’s biggest selling weekly newspaper”.

It turns out it has one of those wonderful sections which details the social minutiae of parochial life, divided by village. Some of the villages have incredible names, such as Brompton By Sawdon and, my favourite, Huttons Ambo.

If you want to know who made the picnic, whose wheelchairs were pushed by whom and the scores from the local bridge club, look no further than the Gazette & Herald.

This stuff is genuinely printed for wider consumption.

Written by Paddy

August 9, 2010 at 11:49 am

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