The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for July 2010

Pavement people

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Old people are quick to sneer at youths riding bikes down pavements but, as this story goes to show, they’re no better when it comes to keeping pedestrian areas clear. And they certainly don’t like it up ’em.

Surrey Comet, 29 May 2010 (st0ry):

Bakery bust up angers elderly

Fed up residents have formed a chorus of dissent against Kingston Council’s decision to charge a bakery for providing a popular social spot for Old Malden’s disabled and elderly people.

Last week, the Plough Bakery in Malden Road was visited by council staff who demanded it remove external tables and chairs, used by many elderly and disabled residents who claimed they had nowhere else to socialise.

Top marks to the Surrey Comet for expertly shoehorning a walking stick, wicker shopping basket, carrier bag and TWO mobility scooters into one photo. Not to mention what appears to be a bullet-proof vest and Fedora hat combo sported by the scooter occupant on the left… incredible scenes.

If you ever need anything clamping down on (e.g. insecure ladders, illegally parked cars, endemic prostitution), it sounds like Kingston Council are up to the job:

Councillor David Fraser said: “Have you ever heard such rubbish in all your life? It’s health and safety gone crazy but that’s Kingston Council for you. They clamp down on anything.

“I talked to a blind chap called Charlie who was in tears about the whole thing. As a social worker I think they should be ashamed of themselves.”

A reference to blind people in tears equates to emotional blackmail on an unashamedly grand scale. Kingston Council – for the love of God, reverse this decision. Reverse it now.

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Written by Paddy

July 29, 2010 at 11:11 am

Mattress misery

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Some couples might feel embarrassed to find they get through more mattresses than the average porn studio, but then again, some might want to shout  it from the rooftops.

Croydon Guardian, 21 July 2010:

Mattress misery

An 18-stone man and his wife who have gone through four mattresses in less than three years are warning residents about a Croydon bed shop.

Ian Pike and his wife Susan bought a £900 bed from Benson for Beds in Purley Way, Croydon, in August 2007. Within six months the mattress had “collapsed on itself”, according to Mr Pike, but the company replaced it for free because it was still under warranty.

Thanks to C Edwards for testing the springs and providing the full article from the Croydon Guardian (click picture to read).

“I’m an 18-stone geezer so it needs to be a big bed. They even told me I was lying on it the wrong way. What does that even mean? I can’t levitate.”

They mean you should try not lying on it like a beached whale.

It’s worth nothing that the self-styled 18-stone geezer inexplicably passed up the opportunity of a “pushed from pillar to bed post” pun in the article. The matt-stress really must be getting to him.

Inevitably, it was only a couple of days until the Sutton Guardian picked up the same story and ran it with a great ‘Gazette Faces’ photo.

Will they ever sleep peacefully again? Perhaps if they had in the first place, they wouldn’t have destroyed four mattresses and find themselves in this situation.

Written by Paddy

July 26, 2010 at 12:25 pm

Posted in Consumer rights

Norfolk ‘n’ good

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Top parenting tip: if you’re a terrible parent and allow your child to use their potty as a mouth, you can get away with blaming it on the local playground…

Norwich Evening News, 19 March 2010 (story):

Norwich youngsters pick up bad language from graffiti

Calls have been made for council officials to clean up a city park – because youngsters are picking up bad language from graffiti sprayed on play equipment.

Mile Cross Gardens in Peterson Road, Norwich, has been hit by vandals with yellow paint sprayed on the slides and scorch marks on the equipment. […]

Now, parents have raised concerns about the mess and say they want it to be cleaned up so their children have somewhere nice to play.

Wayne Bartle, 25, who lives near the park and has two children, Harvey, five, and two-year-old Kaden, said his eldest son has picked up offensive words from the graffiti.

He said: “I’m surprised no one has done anything about it. If it looks like that then no-one wants to take their kids there and see all that. It all needs painting, it’s disgusting.”

Stuart Allen, head of Mile Cross Primary School, said: “It is a shame that graffiti and vandalism of communal resources continues to rear its ugly head.”

NETHER REGIONS FACT: Nobody in Norwich ever swore prior to this graffiti.

A literal case of playground insults, it seems.

Written by Paddy

July 24, 2010 at 7:55 pm

Gazette Faces, Vol. 8

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Welcome to another series of stiff-faced, sunken-cheeked twats making the pages of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette.

Middlesbrough salon couple hit by arson

Jobless Craig Fisher uses banners in bid to get work

Hmm. Hopefully any employers looking to recruit a technician aren’t looking for someone who can spell it.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 1 May 2010:

A STOCKTON dad has resorted to displaying two home-made banners on a busy Teesside roundabout in a bid to get work.

“It is still early days as I only did it on Thursday but since then I have seen some vehicles slow down to read it.”

Great. He may still be unemployed, but at least he had the satisfaction of seeing some cars slow down. Simple pleasures…

Thanks to Neil Trodden.

More flower vandals strike in Eston

Concern as vandals target Middlesbrough’s Holgate Wall

There are the bastards – caught red handed.

And again! The sheer brass neck of it...

Redcar mum tells of sewing needle find in baby food

Paperboys come to aid of stricken OAP

Alright lads, no need to look so cocksure about it. No doubt they still shredded the OAP’s paper while jamming it through the letterbox.

Hartlepool man arrested after car broke down on Newport Bridge

He is clearly so over it now.

Family’s Saltburn cliff lift crash terror

Trees stolen from Gisborough Priory woodland gardens

Biker speaks out over Redcar pothole menace

Excellent deployment of the steel ruler there, but when was the last time you heard of someone being killed in an eight inch deep pothole? Perhaps in The Borrowers, yes, but this is real life we’re dealing with here.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 28 April 2010:

EXPERIENCED motorbiker Steve Muskett is furious at a terrifying spate of potential killer potholes which he says have sprung up in Redcar and Cleveland.

He branded it a “slalom track” of huge potholes, some of which are up to eight inches deep.

Surely bikers always slalom along roads anyway, so what’s the  problem? Perhaps if they weren’t universally such awful, egocentric leather-clad lunatics, potholes wouldn’t be a problem. Just my tuppence, for what it’s worth (i.e. two pence).

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue

Written by Paddy

July 22, 2010 at 12:15 pm

Posted in Gazette Faces

‘We are coping with the situation and have been able to keep the carvery in operation’

with 2 comments

The frenzied, overworked nature of modern day journalism means news reporters must ensure they have no flies on them.

Except, that is, for when their paper sends them to cover a plague of flies. This signalled the collapse of society in the unfortunate Lancashire villages of New Longton and Whitestake.

Thanks to swat spotter Lucy Longhurst for the story.

Lancashire Evening Post, 20 July 2010 (story):

Village plagued by flies

Millions of flies are making life a misery for villagers in rural Lancashire.

A local pub has been forced to slash its opening hours and families in New Longton and Whitestake say they are under siege from swarms of insects. It has become so bad The Farmers Arms, in Wham Lane, is closing at certain times of the day.

And a customer from Penwortham, who visited on Saturday, said: “The girls in there were swatting the flies away. They are opening for a few hours, then closing.

“It got worse and worse and we ended up having to rush our meal.”

Argggghh, indigestion!

Thankfully, the locals aren’t ones to moan:

John Capstick, who runs Buena Vista Furniture Services in nearby Long Moss Lane, said: “It’s been absolutely awful.The floors are littered with them. They get into everything.”

Claire Sutton, from Orchard Avenue, said: “Rooms were covered in flies and there’s a constant buzzing noise. We vacuumed up 114 in one night.”

Neighbour Anne Carter added: “We are killing hundreds a night. They’re everywhere.”

And childminder Deborah Lonsdale added: “It’s been horrendous. “I’ve lived here 22 years and never seen anything like this. Something has got to be done.”

A spokesman for brewery Mitchells and Butlers said: “We are coping with the situation and have been able to keep the carvery in operation … with a full clean down of the pub and carvery in between each service.”

The carvery must go on. Finally, a bit of Blitz Spirit.

Written by Paddy

July 21, 2010 at 10:15 am

Posted in Bravery, Stalkers

Widow + foxy nappy = not happy

with one comment

It’s interesting when news reports open with irrelevant detail about the person involved in the story; particularly when style guide conventions mean the detail is in capital letters.

“A WIDOW says foxes are raiding rubbish bags…”

Does widow status lend some form of legitimacy to what you say? Is that what this is about?

“A WIFE says foxes are raiding rubbish bags…”

Well, in that case, I don’t believe a ruddy word of it.

Waltham Forest Guardian, 10 June 2010 (story):

Foxes create nappy mess

A WIDOW says foxes are raiding rubbish bags and littering her garden with soiled nappies.

Wildlife experts believe the fox which attacked baby twins Lola and Isabella Koupparis as they slept in their cots last week may have mistaken the smell of the dirty nappies for food.

Jean Farmer, of Colchester Road, Leyton, thinks they could be right as her beloved garden is often strewn with used nappies brought in by neighbourhood foxes.

She said: “I get so frustrated because this has been going on for six months now. There are usually quite a few nappies when it happens. It maybe happens three nights a week.”

Mrs Farmer, who is proud of her 90ft-long garden, said she and her lodger share the responsibility of clearing up the unpleasant mess.

She said: “I’m a former nurse but as I’ve got older my stomach has become more sensitive.”

Alright, luv, there’s no need to talk us through your nappy-filling process. Even if you are a widow and therefore anything you do or say is worthy of media attention.

The photo is marvellous: the carefully placed nappies; the “what the hell?” hand gestures; the ill-advised headwear; and the general scarecrow gait of the widow. Superb. Thank you to Angry People in Local Newspapers for drawing it to my attention.

Written by Paddy

July 15, 2010 at 11:13 am

A cock and balls story

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Does what it says on the tin in the title. As if there hadn’t already been enough sequels of Free Willy

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 8 April 2010 (story):

North Yorkshire shop owner has stone willy seized by police

A CURIOSITY shop owner and councillor has had his stone willy seized by police after complaints it was obscene.

Jason Hadlow, chairman of Yarm Town Council and owner of the Simply Dutch store in Leeming Bar, North Yorkshire, was left gobsmacked at the confiscation.

Now he faces an £80 fine to get his 4ft high masonry manhood back – something he has refused to do.

“It’s absolute madness they’ve taken this willy – it was right there in the shop window next to a statue of Venus and a replica of Michelangelo’s David,” said the entrepreneur, who lives in Yarm.

“They involve boobs and willies – and there was a sign nearby saying Big Dick’s Sausages and they didn’t take that.”

Mr Hadlow was given 24 hours to remove the stone penis.

He added: “The policewoman said it was 4ft tall. It’s not that high, but people do often overestimate when it comes to willy size.”

Mr Hadlow has 21 days to pay the fine – but is hoping a Facebook group he set up called Free Willy will persuade the police to drop the charges – at the time the Evening Gazette went to print today he had 269 supporters online.

Health and safety gone mad, obviously.

Written by Paddy

July 13, 2010 at 10:06 am

Posted in Moral outrage

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