The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Gazette Faces, Vol. 7

with 3 comments

The previous six volumes of Gazette Faces have centred upon the Teesside area only. This is owing to the extraordinary skill of Middlesbrough’s Evening Gazette in repeatedly capturing its locals staring through the camera lens with blank faces and deadened eyes. Or, as the comedian Bill Hicks would say if he wasn’t dead, “staring like dogs that have just been shown a card trick”.

Gormless-looking idiots exist everywhere, of course, so it’s about time Gazette Faces toured local newspapers up and down the land. Thank you to Gez Daring, Iain Horne, Roddy Campbell and Splodgistics for their contributions.

Probe into pizza ‘containing metal fragments’ – The Berwick Advertiser (story)

Do you think she has that pizza box stuck to the door with Blu-Tack on a permanent basis?

Orford woman fights for her cats – Warrington Guardian (story)

A Gazette Face trio. This woman has nine cats in her home, which seems a lot before you even consider each of them has nine lives. Ergo she effectively looks after 81 cats, right?

Some great factoids from the article:

Warringt0n Guardian, 20 February 2008:

She is known by local schoolchildren as “the cat lady” and has raised kittens for years.

Her pets are house cats and rarely leave Brenda’s “five star cat hotel”.

Brenda spends £45 a week on cat food and litter.

Her cats dine on roast chickens, tuna and tins of Whiskers.

Ruby, two, is latest victim of angry bird – The Northern Echo (story)

Vicar sees red over double yellow lines – Staines News (story)

Vicar blames traffic measures for increased secularisation of society shocker!

Staines News, 27 May 2010:

A VICAR has blamed a 25 per cent drop in attendance at his church on the introduction of double yellow lines outside.

Grimsby Hospital missed girl’s broken leg – Grimsby Telegraph

Tortoise snatched by gang – Hartlepool Mail (story)

Battle on home front – Ealing Gazette (story)

How to get your grievance taken seriously: protest outside the council building dressed in your old military gear with a placard strapped around your neck. Definitely.

Striking a blow on the picket line – Wilmslow Express

How to get your grievance taken seriously, etc.

Thugs shoot pet cats – Stockport Express

You wouldn’t mess with any of that lot.

Mum’s anger at son’s treatment after fractured arm – The York Press

Schoolboy attempts to illegally climb over school fence at dinnertime… injures self… parent blames school. Thatcher’s Britain.

However, this story includes a wonderful Alan Partridge-esque scene whereby the boy pierces himself on a spike.

York Press, 11 February 2010 (story):

Mrs Fisher, of South Bank, said the accident happened when her son had been trying to get out of school one lunchtime to buy some chips, against school rules.

“He slipped and the spike went into his leg to a depth of about an inch and a half,” she said. “He managed to get his leg free of the spike but then fell to the ground, landing on his arm.” […]

“I believe they have a duty of care in such circumstances,” she said.

I believe the lad needs a clip around the ear and his pocket money docked in such circumstances. We’ll see if he still thinks it’s worth breaking out of school when he can’t muster the funds to populate his Panini World Cup sticker album.

Link: Gazette Faces catalogue


Written by Paddy

June 7, 2010 at 11:19 am

Posted in Gazette Faces

3 Responses

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  1. Paddy making a cameo in his own post! Are you getting younger paddy? You look about 14 in the Wilmslow Express picture.


    June 7, 2010 at 7:06 pm

  2. How has that pizza “lady” managed to get her hair exactly the same colour as the cheese topping(albeit the cheesey bit of the pizza she hasn’t managed to crucify)…I think there is a bigger story here about rogue hairdressers….


    June 8, 2010 at 12:55 pm

  3. Put Brenda’s feline children onto ridding our streets of bird crime. The tax payer stumping up the £45 to cover a diet lacking in Omega 3s, as they take out these winged thugs. Paddy – get Dave to move his Hug a Hoodie days onto a Pull the Head off a Sparrow push.
    Will fellow Nether Regions readers chip in for a RSPB membership for young Ruby, in the hope of curing the flashbacks she experiences around millet?

    open to offers

    June 13, 2010 at 10:53 am

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