The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

‘Got to put it away now’

with 4 comments

Many newspapers would pass up the opportunity to run a story like this. Thankfully the Lancashire Telegraph is not so picky, and delves into the matter with great gusto.

Lancashire Telegraph, 12 April 2010 (story):

Blackburn shop calls security over Darwen pensioner’s cookie

A PENSIONER said she was left humiliated when Marks and Spencer cafe staff called security while she was eating a biscuit she’d bought in the store.

Thelma Williams, 86, of Sudell, Darwen, said she was told that she had ‘got to put it away now’ by a staff member in the cafe at the Blackburn town centre store.

A guard was then called because she had tucked into the 39p cookie. […]

Thelma had bought a scone and biscuit from the food section of the store and her daughter treated them to lunch in the cafe.

After a toasted sandwich Thelma, decided not to have a cake but would eat her biscuit, which she had been saving for her tea.

But as soon as she bit into it a member of staff marched over to her and told her she could not eat the product due to the VAT difference on cafe-bought and shop-bought food.

She said they then called security.

It’s worth noting that Thelma is one of those old ladies who carries things around which they are ‘saving for their tea’ . This typically octogenarian behaviour is only a step away from ‘having one bite and wrapping the rest up for later’. I’ve seen people do that. Utter lunacy.

Thelma: the torture of Cookiegate literally written all over her face in invisible ink

I wonder if Thelma is the self-pitying type?

Thelma said: “The security guard was being stupid, he was stern.

“I thought it was petty and ridiculous. I realise they have rules to stick to but it was so silly, I felt stupid. They made me feel like I had committed a crime. It was just one biscuit that I had bought from the shop downstairs. I didn’t know I was going to eat it.

“The situation was crazy, I would have paid the extra 10p for sitting in the chair to eat it.

“All the customers were looking at me, it was so embarrassing and very distressing. I couldn’t sleep that night.

“If someone even more vulnerable than me was faced with this situation it would have been even more distressing for them.”

An apology wouldn’t have gone amiss. It seems she wants to have her cookie and eat it too.

Thank you to Gavin Jopson for this story, paid for with the VAT difference included.


Written by Paddy

May 13, 2010 at 3:09 pm

4 Responses

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  1. This Chris Morris-esq remix/mash-up is highly relevant here.

    It mixes a clip from Arnie in ‘Jingle All The Way’ with some insane techno. The perfect soundtrack for the insane situation poor Thelma experienced.


    May 15, 2010 at 11:40 am

  2. Extraordinary.


    May 15, 2010 at 12:18 pm

  3. “I didn’t know I was going to eat it,” has to be one of the most epic quotes in history.


    May 16, 2010 at 12:08 pm

  4. Some people eh, give them an ounce of authority and they swan around the place like Hitler. I’m now wondering if M&S are in cahoots with the Cinema corporations? What next, a ‘Final Solution’ to annihilate VAT dodgers…


    May 19, 2010 at 12:53 pm

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