The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for May 2010

Tits and nuts

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Calling the people of Sunbury-on-Thames, Surrey, England… you are one step closer to the glory of knowing you have spawned the face of BigD nuts.

Staines News, 21 May 2010 (story):

Sunbury Page 3 girl wants your vote

PAGE 3 model and Sunbury girl Rosie Jones is one step closer to becoming the face of BigD nuts.

The local lass, who is featured regularly in weekly lads magazines Zoo and Nuts, has reached the semi finals of a competition which could see her become the face of the snack’s ad campaigns for the next four years.

Rosie, who attended St Ignatius School, in Green Street, and St Paul’s College, in The Ridings, is up against 20 other girls all eyeing the final in July.

Regional newspapers love nothing more than a local boy or girl done good. They relentlessly hype their home-grown celebrities and report their every move, however small their fame or futile their endeavours. Any article about them will contain the obligatory ‘town name + gender identifier’ reference (“Sunbury girl”, “Chichester lad”,  “Spalding transsexual”) and, of course, a list of the local schools they attended. We couldn’t be doing without that.

The celebrities themselves are often willing to capitalise on this misplaced local pride by offering quotes to the paper too.

Rosie, 19, said: “I am honoured to be in the semi final and it is really exciting to think that I could soon be appearing in thousands of pubs throughout the country. I have the chance to put my home town of Sunbury on the map. I hope the people of Sunbury can show their support and vote for me.”

I have a sneaky feeling Sunbury might rather not be ‘on the map’ at all.

Written by Paddy

May 31, 2010 at 6:21 pm

Bright Ears, burning like fire

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The US military famously used songs by well-known artists (link) to assist the interrogation of terrorism suspects at Guantanamo Bay. If you happen to be in the US military and enjoy torturing folk, you might therefore be interested in this tip for creating a “hellish experience”.

Brighton Argus, 20 May 2010 (story):

Brighton neighbours stuck in Art Garfunkel hell

A man subjected to the sound of Art Garfunkel in the early mornings described his ordeal as a “hellish experience.”

The residents of Penshurst Palace, Brighton, endured the sound of Bright Eyes throughout the early hours – every day of the week.

Neighbours of Colin Dibley complained of sleepless nights and being kept awake by shouting, screaming, banging and swearing.

One neighbour even complained that he could hear a whole episode of Doctor Who through the wall.

Dibley played loud computer games and let his dogs bark constantly, but when his neighbours asked him to keep the noise down; he deliberately turned the volume up. […]

Eventually he was served a noise abatement notice, but on March 5 the sound of the Watership Down theme music was so loud his neighbours had to leave their homes to report him to environmental health officers.

This man’s existence appears to comprise a loop of Watership Down, Doctor Who and loud computer games. Get a life!

Thanks to Lucy Janes.

Written by Paddy

May 28, 2010 at 10:56 am

I’ve never voted Tory before, but we’ve got to eat puppies

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The nether regions does not endorse orchestrated campaigns of vandalism or crude insults, except for when they’re directed at Tory election candidates.

Failed Tory candidate Nick King ran crying to the Bournemouth Echo when his election posters were targeted as part of a ‘trail of destruction’ in the form of childish  graffiti. Incredible scenes.

Warm thanks to Gordon Skillen for this scan. Click the picture for the article and a Tory scowl in full-size glory.

Here are a few extracts:

It’s true you know: Tories do eat puppies. But only once they’ve stripped away their pension rights and privatised them first.

Bournemouth Echo, 11 May 2010 (story):

[…] On three occasions a clear trail of destruction could be traced. One night the act of vandalism went right from the Bakers Arms roundabout, through Upton, on to Broadstone and finally to Wimborne, where the stolen signs were dumped on Mr King’s front lawn.

He told the Echo the perpetrators even emailed him from an anonymous Gmail account to taunt him about their actions.

Oooh, get them…!

It’s unclear whether Nick King is suggesting these harmless daubings played a role in his failure to win the Dorset Mid & Poole North seat. A Liberal Democrat won anyway so it’s not clear why he’s bothered – it’s still a Tory seat, for fuck’s sake to be fair FFS TBF.

Written by Paddy

May 26, 2010 at 10:30 am

Delight at return of post box

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When mindless thugs (aren’t they always?) carried out a senseless act of vandalism (aren’t they always?) upon an innocent post box (aren’t they always?) last summer in the small market town of Wokingham, Berkshire, they probably didn’t appreciate the true level of hurt that would reverberate around the local community.

The Wokingham Times, 9 November 2009 (story):

Calls for return of vandalised post box

Campaigners are calling for the reinstatement of their post box after it was wrecked by vandals.

Regular users of the post box in Heathlands Road, Wokingham, thought the mail box would be replaced after vandals broke it away from its concrete base over the summer.

However, months on the group are still waiting for a new box and have been told by Royal Mail there are no plans to reinstate the damaged facility because there are other boxes nearby in Wokingham and Bracknell.

John Hall, 58, of Heathlands Road, said […]: “It is insane to try and park in Nine Mile Ride and you do not want to walk there.

“The other one is over the level crossing in Wokingham. It is not sensible to try to walk to the other nearby boxes, not that they are nearby.

“If you drive to them you impact on the environment and why should you drive to post a letter.”

‘Why should you drive to post a letter?’ is a question requiring many complex philosophical considerations, and it would be above this blog’s pay grade to try and answer it. But the photo above is great: group of campaigners + dog x wheelchair user = trademark local newspaper photo arrangement. In many ways, the dog looks the most concerned of the lot of them.

All’s well that ends well, especially when it involves something being ‘reinstated without warning’:

The Wokingham Times, 4 February 2010 (story):

Delight at return of post box

A much-missed post box has been replaced in a rural area of Wokingham following a campaign by residents. […]

Last week, the post box was reinstated without warning a few metres away from its original location.

Councillor Angus Ross, the ward member for Wokingham Without, said: “Out of the blue, the post box has come back.

“The residents and parish council didn’t give up and pushed for its return.

“We are surprised and pleased.”

There is Angus posting a letter, smug as you like. But I’m sure that grin will be wiped off his face when it transpires that this fake post box has only appeared as part of an elaborate prank by the very same vandals who nicked the first one.

Written by Paddy

May 24, 2010 at 10:29 am

Nappy flash

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Never underestimate the power of a good e-fit.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 4 April 2008 (story):

Efit released of ‘flasher’ nappy man who dropped his trousers

THIS is the face of a ‘flasher’ who dropped his trousers to reveal a nappy to two young girls.

The girls were walking near Levendale Primary School in Yarm just after 9pm on Thursday, February 28, when a man came out of nearby bushes and dropped his tracksuit bottoms.

He was wearing a nappy and asked the girls if they would change it for him. He then ran off.

At least three reports have been made to police about a nappy-wearing man who has struck in the Eaglescliffe, Yarm and Ingleby Barwick areas.

Now Cleveland Police have spoken with at least one school in the area and are appealing for help.

Onlookers will be delighted to note that, since the publication of  this story and e-fit two years ago, the culprit was quickly caught and sentenced to four years running London.

The man is a disgrace. Even more so than anyone thought.

Written by Paddy

May 21, 2010 at 10:43 am

Aerial assault

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Typical. Just when you’ve finally got to grips with the message about not letting cold-calling conmen through your front door to rob you of petty cash, they find new ways of getting in.

Remain vigilant in the home: a conman can arrive from any direction. Thank you to Manchester’s Thomas Oppé for the warning.

Sadly, the story itself is a bit less exciting than the idea of a man who says he’s come to read the gas meter plunging through the living room ceiling and having to frantically free himself from entangled wires before making off with the money put aside for the windowcleaner.

Written by Paddy

May 19, 2010 at 7:23 pm

Rules and Regulations

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We could do with some government regulations against letters to newspapers like this.

The Bolton News, 12 May 2010:

Don’t let health and safety rule your life

I BELIEVE we live in a Politically Correct and vastly over-regulated country, I offer you the following. I am a 68-year-old fit and active pensioner and when I woke up this morning at about 8am, the sun was shining, and I thought: “What shall I do today?”.

Well, first of all I have to do a “risk assessment” to see if it’s safe to get out of bed, due to “elf ‘n’ safety” rules — after all, I might stumble. Never mind, I could sue the bed manufacturers for making the bed too high!

I do get up without any mishaps and, after another “risk assessment” about the bathroom, I decide to have a wash, shave and clean my teeth.

Wait! — I haven’t been fully trained in how to use razors and toothbrushes, so I might be breaking the rules! I do manage to have a wash and shave etc, and then I go downstairs for breakfast.

Wait a minute! Is it safe to go downstairs, at my age, without supervision?

I decide that it is safe and so I prepare breakfast, Fruit & Fibre cereal followed by toast and a cup of tea.

Could the tea be too hot? What if I spill some on to my arms or legs?

Never mind, I could always sue the tea makers for suggesting that tea should be made with hot water.

Next, off for the morning papers — yet another “risk assessment”. Should I walk, or go by car — what are the risks?

If I go by car, I could go down one of the many large potholes in our area.

Watch TV in the evening and enjoy a glass or two of wine. Glass or two! Not without a full “risk assessment”.

And what about “elf ‘n’ safety” rules and Government advice about wine consumption!

And I shouldn’t use the remote control, because I haven’t been fully trained.

Ah well, bed time. Is it safe to upstairs on my own? And what about stepping into the shower? I could fall!

What a lovely day. I wish I had stayed in bed all day — but is that permissible in this PC world today? There must be some regulation governing staying in bed all day.

Whatever happened to common sense?

Welcome to Britain 2010! Have a nice day! Mind how you go!

David Willescroft, Smithills

This reference to not being trained in the use of a remote control is interesting. I wasn’t aware training was available,  but then I suppose you can probably find somewhere to do a degree in remote control studies these days.

Thanks to Helen Williams and MKTBFFSTBF for submitting this letter in line with the recommended procedures.

Written by Paddy

May 17, 2010 at 10:59 am

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