The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Archive for April 2010

The way this country’s going

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Q. What do you get when you cross Remembrance Sunday, littering yobs and an empty double decker bus?

A. An idle and wasteful society, obviously.

Market Rasen Mail, 18 November 2009:

It’s going down the pan

EDITOR – On the morning of Remembrance Sunday I witnessed two classic examples of our idle and wasteful society – a council employee having to pick up empty and smashed beer bottles dumped on the footpaths by yobs the night before and a completely empty double decker bus setting out on its Lincoln/ Grimsby circuit with nobody on it.

It’s a pity that those responsible will hardly be aware of these two separate episodes which characterise the way this country’s going.

Ron Jones, Rase Lane, Market Rasen

Thank you to Lincolnshire correspondent Anna Holden and the ever-reliable Market Rasen Mail.

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Written by Paddy

April 13, 2010 at 11:10 am

Immortalised in Lego

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Troubled singer Amy Winehouse has enough on her plate without this.

Middlesbrough Evening Gazette, 9 April 2010 (story):

Darlington student makes Lego Amy Winehouse

SINGER Amy Winehouse has been immortalised in Lego thanks to a budding artist. Justin Ramsden has been fascinated by Lego since he discovered the joy of destroying his brother’s models as a boy.

Now as an art and design student at Queen Elizabeth Sixth Form College, in Darlington, Justin believes Lego is more than a children’s toy – it can be used as a powerful art form.

As part of his BTEC course in art and design Justin chose to design a full-sized bust of a British icon out of 3,000 pieces of Lego.

He said:  “I’ve been a fan for a while and she is quite cult British even though she does mess her life around so I decided to build Amy”, said Justin, 19, from Darlington.

The article’s dubious claim that it’s possible to be ‘immortalised in Lego’ is further discredited towards the end of the report:

Justin can’t afford to keep the models he has made and has to destroy them so he has enough Lego for his next project.

This is just typical of Britain’s ‘build them up to knock them down’ attitude towards celebrity.

And this online comment is wonderfully typical of Britain’s attitude towards students, drugs, sense of nationhood, and toilets.

Written by Paddy

April 11, 2010 at 8:03 pm

Hedging bets

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Warm thanks to Dave King for forwarding this photo of the front page of the latest issue of the Chew Valley & Wrington Vale Gazette.

This week in Chew Valley and Wrington Vale… that is quite some hedge:

‘Champion Hedger Colin Clutterbuck of Stanton Drew with Chairman of the Wrington & Burrington Hedging Society, Dave Keedwell’ is surely one of the finest photo captions ever published.

I wonder if there is a financial prize; it would lend new meaning to the term ‘hedge fund’.

Written by Paddy

April 9, 2010 at 10:24 am

Posted in Upstanding locals

Splayed on South Street

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It’s not normally nice to laugh at those suffering pain, but people requiring specially reinforced stretchers are fair game.

Romford Recorder, 5 March 2010 (story):

Wheelchair man’s fall sparks road chaos

A DISABLED man who was injured when his mobility wheelchair overturned in Romford sparked a major traffic jam.

Spencer Pindus, 60, who weighs 25 stone, was splayed on South Street for more than 30 minutes on Tuesday morning (February 2) as emergency crews struggled to maneouvre him into an ambulance, using a specially reinforced stretcher.

The former bus driver, from Neave Crescent, Romford, had just finished a burger and chips breakfast in a nearby pub when his motorised chair hit a hole in the ground, throwing him face-first into the road. […]

Mr Pindus, who may have to undergo surgery on his nose following the fall, blames a large pothole for his accident.

“I’m a big man so it takes a lot of force to move me from my chair, but I hit a dip in the road and was just slung out,” he said.

“The council need to get their roads and pavements in order or someone could be seriously hurt in the future.”

He says he is now considering legal action against Havering Council.

Legal action? This is so symptomatic of the disgusting post-1980s Thatcherite consensus of rampant individualism, rathole ethics and blame-anyone-else compensation culture which has gripped the nation for thirty years and threatens to… oh, sorry, wrong meeting.

The lesson here is that burger and chips breakfasts and potholes do not mix. A picture of the victim, which I am too generous to post here, is available via the link.

Written by Paddy

April 7, 2010 at 12:42 pm

Posted in Council hatred

The Incredible Hulk

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There’s no doubt about it,  eyewitness accounts are dumbing down. First it was police in Bolton on the hunt for someone ‘white and large’, and now this.

Derby Telegraph, 15 March 2010 (story):

‘The hulk’ bit off my nose

A REVELLER has spoken of his horror at having part of his nose bitten off by a man who witnesses say looked like The Hulk.

Detective Constable Manjit Johal said: “A search of the dance floor was carried out but the nose was not found.

“The victim can’t recall any clothing but a lot of witnesses have told us that he had a ripped top and looked like The Hulk.

“We assume this lad has got a taxi at about 1am, and we would like to hear from taxi drivers if they remember taking someone home who looks like The Hulk.”

Judging by the average crowd in Booze Britain’s town centres at weekends, the Derbyshire Constabulary will no doubt have been inundated with calls.

Thank you to Mary Harmon.

Written by Paddy

April 6, 2010 at 10:52 am

Slip John B

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Never underestimate the ability of whinging locals to creatively combine the same old anti-Council hysteria about grit shortages with a homage to the Beach Boys.

Halifax Evening Courier, 12 March 2010:

Dear sir,

Please print this song about the grit shortage, particularly on Styes Lane. I am a shift worker and on many occasions have been forced to stay overnight in Halifax, getting bed and breakfast. To be sung to the tune of Sloop John B.

‘Shift Worker’s Lament’

I drove from my work at ten,
But the gritters hadn’t been,
And the frozen road I traverse is dark and is long.

Chorus: Let me go home,
I want to go home,
I feel so frightened,
I want to go home.

When Styles Lane loomed ahead,
My heart was filled with dread,
But warning signs were none and so I drove on.
Chorus: Let me go home, etc.

So down that hill I shot,
Past Finkle Street and got,
A golden medal for luge in the Commonwealth Games.

Chorus

Now they say I’ve had some luck,
As into the wall I struck,
And my broken bones will heal when I finally grow old.

Chorus

But the scrapyard’s so close by,
For cars that tried to fly,
But tow-van’s been so busy, it too is wrote off!

Chorus

If your council lets you down,
It’s cheaper to stay in town,
The car’s the costliest item you can destroy.
Never go home,
Please never go home,
I feel so broke up,
I tried to go home!

Miranda Greetham, Styes Lane, Sowerby Bridge

Extraordinary.

Thanks to Anna Holden for finding this and smiling along through gritted teeth.

Written by Paddy

April 1, 2010 at 11:32 am

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