Twisting my melon

We’ve all heard of following people, hanging around outside their house, bombarding them with text messages or superimposing their head onto a photo of your pet dog astride your lap, but there’s a brand new method of stalking emerging from East Anglia…

Norwich Evening News, 24 February 2010 (story):

Man put melon through ex-partner’s cat-flap

A woman was subjected to four and a half years of harassment by her ex-partner, who banged on her windows virtually every day, put love letters in her post, and finally pushed half a melon through her catflap.

William Sim, 55, appeared at Norwich Magistrates’ Court yesterday for sentencing, after earlier pleading guilty to harassing ex-partner Carole Lees. […]

Ben Brighouse, prosecuting, said that Sim, who lives near her in council properties in Peterkin Road, Tuckswood, Norwich, had continued to harass her.

Mr Brighouse said: “She has had continuous problems with Mr Sim not letting go.

“He banged on her windows and doors every other day. He bangs so hard she’s scared the windows will break.

“He shouts at her ‘What’s wrong with me?’ and ‘Why don’t you want me?’ and uses his mother’s phone to ring her. She has been in a relationship since but that did not work out because of this problem.

“He’s always drunk when he does it and two weeks ago he put half a melon through her catflap, because he said he thought she might like some fruit. When she received the melon she said she found it very strange.”

In the olden days, it was perfectly normal to deliver fruity gifts to neighbours and loved ones without the beady eye of suspicion looking down on you. You can’t do anything these days. It’s political correctness gone even madder.

Ludicrous adverts in local papers #2

Thanks to Jonathon Oake and ‘ideoforms’ for providing this advert from this week’s South London Press.

"I'll have the 6 Mayoral Entourage Deluxe Bucket, cheers mate."

Yes, an entire page dedicated to the opening of yet another branch of Chicken Cottage, an establishment which has always sounded suspiciously like a poultry-based version of Hansel and Gretel to me.

These events are clearly quite prestigious, though, judging by the superfluous entourage flanking Mayor Christopher Wellbelove (apparently not a fictional name). Presumably they all went home happy after getting their free chicken drumsticks.

Chinese democracy: lanterns and livestock

Occasionally, our political representatives look to make a name for themselves with ludicrous single-issue election campaigns. Step forward Liberal Democrat MEP Sharon Bowles:

Bracknell Forest Standard, 22 February 2010:

Chinese lanterns threat to animals

Banning wire-framed Chinese lanterns, much loved at celebration parties, is the only way to stop cows and sheep dying when they eat the sharp frames according to a politician.

Chinese lanterns, popular at festivals, are made from tissue paper around a wire frame with a candle-like fuel cell at the bottom which, when lit, fills the paper frame with hot air causing them to float into the air and glow.

But Sharon Bowles, MEP for the South East, is appealing for the lanterns, which have been mistaken for UFOs, to be banned because they are a threat to cows and sheep.

The National Union of Farmers have reported at least one case of an animal dying after eating the frames.

To let you in on some journalism lingo, “at least one case” generally means one case.

This is such a typical Liberal Democrat policy strategy: sentimental and well-intentioned, but sidestepping the real issues and arguably impossible to implement.

MEP poses moments before force-feeding sheep with lantern wire in order to prove her point.

Sharon said: “When you hear about the damage these wire-built lanterns could cause there are only two solutions – redesign them to be biodegradable or ban flying lanterns altogether.”

She said the lanterns land on farmland and can be cut with silage and fed to animals.

Her call was backed by the RSPCA.

The RSPCA will back anything, so we shouldn’t take too much notice of that. They’d back the 200/1 outsider in a horse race on the grounds that it’s so useless they know the jockey won’t even bother whipping it. They probably even back dog dirt, the fucks. If you’ve ever got a call that needs backing, getting it backed by the RSPCA is the last thing you should do.

Dog dirt digest

Won’t somebody think of the children?

The Bolton News, 5 February 2010 (story):

Dog dirt puts children’s walking bus under threat

A CHILDREN’S walking bus scheme could be axed — because the route they take to school is littered with dog dirt.

Organisers of a group which takes about 20 children to Masefield Primary School are calling for immediate action. […]

One of the organisers Andrea Brown said: “It’s everywhere. It gets on the children’s shoes and on the bottom of their school trousers.

“If nothing changes, then we will have to stop the walking bus.

“The kids are looking out for it all the time. But they don’t get to see what else is going on around them.

“The whole reason for the walking bus is to get them out and about and enjoying the environment.

“It is just lazy and people shouldn’t have a dog if they aren’t prepared to pick up after them.”

Running the dog dirt gauntlet

In line with regional newspaper tradition, this article sparked fierce debate on the letters pages.

The Bolton News, 11 February 2010:

Sick of dog poo

I LIVE in Sundridge Close and am sick of the sight of dog poo.

There is loads of it and also on our open plan front garden.

I hope patrols are put on here to stop this disgusting mess.

Christine Bessell, Sundridge Close, Bolton

Bolton Evening News, 12 February 2010:

Clean up after walk

I HAVE just got back from dropping off my eldest son at nursery, with my youngsters in the pram.

Somewhere on the five-minute walk I have rolled the pram wheels in dog poo.

I go on the pavements, not on any fields. It has taken me 30 minutes to clean the pram wheels and another 30 minutes to get warm again.

Now to my knowledge (I do not own a dog and if I did I would clean up after it) it takes less than a minute to pick it up and but it in a bag.

You can get between 250 and 300 nappy sacks (which I have been told are nearly the same as the doggie poo bags) for £1.

I’ve had to throw away a pot brush, use bleach and anti-bacteria spray because of you irresponsible dog owners.

M L Crompton, Astley Bridge, Bolton

The dog owners themselves, however, weren’t prepared to let sleeping dogs lie and made sure they hit back with their own assaults on the various health pitfalls on the streets of Bolton.

The Bolton News, 11 February 2010:

What a dirty town it is

AS a responsible dog owner who cleans up, I welcome more being done to curb dog mess.

However, equally offensive to the eyes, are the number of people who think that it is acceptable to spit and empty their noses all over certain areas.

It’s disgusting, and certainly unhygienic. It really needs addressing somehow. And I haven’t even touched on the subject of vomit or chewing gum.

It all makes for a pretty disgusting journey if you’re cycling or on foot.

I am 55 years old and try to cycle for my health. But, that said, if I don’t get killed falling down a pothole or being hit by the crazy, selfish motorists, I risk getting TB or consumption.

But that’s Bolton today, a dirty town — and we expect people to visit!

Steven Corns, Almond Street, Bolton

The Bolton News, 12 February 2010:

Mess left after football

IT’S not just dog owners. I was walking my dog on the lead across the footpath over the playing fields off Longworth Road, Horwich.

On the field, a football match was being played by children. One of the parents said to me ‘you cannot bring dogs on here as we don’t want any mess’. I just kept going to the woods away from the field.

On my return, the match was over and players and watchers gone. You should have seen the mess left by them, just as bad as any dog.

John Byron, Bolton

The Bolton News, 12 February 2010:

What about all the litter?

AS a regular reader of  The Bolton News and a dog owner, I have followed various letters with interest about dog poo and lazy dog owners getting a bad name. But what about drinkers etc in and around Bolton who regularly leave chip cartons, chips, discarded pizzas, curries, empty cans, wrapping paper etc, which litter our town centre and pathways?

It seems people accept this type of filth on our streets as not many letters are sent in about this, and there is never anyone patrolling the streets at night to fine people for discarding the litter.

Surely this is litter is just as bad as dog poo.

Mr Perry, Cambridge Road, Lostock

The overriding message here is that nobody is safe on Bolton’s pavements, whether it’s owing to dog mess, spittle, snot, vomit, chewing gum, potholes, crazy and selfish motorists, TB, chip cartons, chips, discarded pizzas, curries, cans or wrapping paper. Or all of the above. And that’s before you’ve even got out of your front garden.

Thanks to Bolton’s Matt Kilsby Top Boy FFS TBF for frantically rubbing his shoes on some long grass before sending these letters for our delectation.

Crucifiction

There’s nothing like finding a piece of Jesus in your back garden when you’ve got the sniffles.

Ipswich Evening Star, 23 January 2010:

Holy smoke! Man finds Jesus in piece of plastic

A Chantry man today claimed a piece of plastic found in his back garden contains an image of Jesus – and may also have special powers.

Chris Nash, 27, says that since making the shock discovery his health and career prospects have mysteriously taken a turn for the better. […]

Mr Nash found the object lying on his garden lawn on Friday and couldn’t believe his eyes.

He said: “The object caught my eye straight away. It’s tiny – about the size of your thumb.

“I looked at it and thought ‘blimey, that looks just like Jesus Christ’. It was a really surreal moment.

Blimey, that looks just like Jesus Christ.

“The image isn’t clear close up but if you move backwards it all comes together. I’ve shown it to my mates and they all think it’s freaky.

“You hear about these sorts of things every now and again but it’s not the sort of thing you expect to happen to yourself.”

Mr Nash added that after finding the object, his life started to take a turn for the better.

“I had a cold over Christmas but since Friday it’s completely cleared up,” he added.

“I was also on a probation period for a new job at work and this week my boss told me I had got the job.

“Generally I feel as if I have more energy than usual. All these things could be coincidence but it does seem strange.

“I’m going to stick it on eBay and see what happens. If it really does have special powers than someone in more need than me may come forward.”

As Second Comings go, this is quite a letdown really; we were promised more than clearing up a cold and providing relative job security for a man in Suffolk.

It’s incredible how often regional newspapers provide free advertising for budding eBay entrepreneurs. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship in which papers give oxygen to fantasists looking for a quick buck in exchange for material to desperately fill their pages. And we, the readers, are merely the bystanders in this sordid back-scratching festival. Disgusting.

The Ipswich Evening Star excels itself in the full story by listing other examples of divine images appearing in everyday objects, including Marmite and some overcooked fish sticks. Thank you to both Chris Rand and Gavin Barber for making this article appear in my, er, cereal bowl this morning, which I’m now making available on eBay in case someone in more need than me wants to buy it.

The brass neck of it

Introducing a tale of inadequate benefits, broken limbs, dog biscuit shortages and, er, Sky TV. Ladies and gentlemen, the sorry life of Janice Dodsworth of Pellon, Halifax…

Halifax Evening Courier, 11 February 2010:

How do some on benefits live the high life while I have no life?

It seems to me that the benefit system has more layers to it than an onion.

Because I have Incap benefit, and not income support, I don’t qualify for full council tax or housing benefit, so am still supposed to pay towards these. […]

I’m on lowest amount of DLA, and have tried to apply for a higher rate, but because I have been in hospital for yet another operation on my arm, which has been broken for seven years, I can’t apply for the high DLA until three months have passed, since the date I had the op. […]

I stay in. Using more gas and electric. My children do their best to help take me places when they can, but my daughter lives Manchester way, and has just been made redundant, so she won’t be able to come across as much. My brother and sister-in -law having been supplying my dog with biscuits, and the family have just got me another cooker, because mine was dangerous and condemned. But I couldn’t get help from DSS because I wasn’t on the right benefit, so not entitled to help.

So how can some people I know on benefits afford to fill their supermarket trolleys with ready meals, junk food, beer and cigs and can still go to the pubs for a drink?

I swear the guys who are on the streets drinking daily have more money coming in than me.

Last week I spent £23.49 on food, some of that was dog food. That was it.

I can’t carry it home, so had to get a taxi home, but some of these very same people run cars or get taxis daily.

Do I feel bitter? You bet I do, I really need to visit the dentist, but find I’m not entitled to free treatment because of the type of benefit I am on.

So here I am, wearing jumper, cardigan, dressing gown, with fleecy blanket wrapped round me, fingerless gloves on my hands, no heat on anywhere, otherwise I may not last the night out.

TV watching is the only thing I do these days, but I don’t know how much longer I can afford Sky.

It’s only the basic package, but I am told this is a non-essential item. […]

I don’t want to live the high life, but I do want to live a life.
This is miserable and lonely and I hate it.

So somebody please tell me where I went wrong?

Janice Dodsworth, Weatherhouse Terrace, Pellon

Some of the major questions I’d like to ask Janice are:

1. How do you suffer a broken arm for seven years? That must have been quite some mirror-smashing incident.
2. How can you have a go at people spending money on ready meals for humans when you spend your money on biscuits for dogs?
3. By the time you’ve wrapped yourself up in a “jumper, cardigan, dressing gown, with fleecy blanket”, do you appear entirely spherical?
4. Vis-à-vis the comment: “TV watching is the only thing I do these days, but I don’t know how much longer I can afford Sky. It’s only the basic package, but I am told this is a non-essential item.” How is that incredible brass neck of yours holding up?

It’s come to something when the British media has been so successful at demonising those on benefits that even benefit claimants themselves are having a go.

Link: Full letter