The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Willow death man

with 5 comments

Not many people have their schoolwork murdered, so spare a thought for these poor pupils from Basingstoke.

Basingstoke Gazette, 6 March 2010:

Pupils shocked by willow death man

THE death of a willow man figure at the hands of vandals has upset young school pupils.

The six-foot life-size figure made of living willow was planted in the grounds of Manor Field Junior School.

Children from the school in Haydn Road, Brighton Hill, Basingstoke, created it with local artist Flora Gare last June, and since then the whole school has watered it and kept it trim.

But the sculpture was dug up and stolen from their playing field. About a week later it was found dumped over the school fence, but its arms had been ripped off and it was dead because it had not been watered.

Not only has their beloved willow man been dumped and dismembered by some local heartless bastards, but they’ll also never sleep soundly in their beds again thanks to a Basingstoke Gazette sub-editor’s excessive melodrama with the phrase ‘willow death man’. This choice of wording transforms what is, in reality, a bundle of useless and harmless old branches into a terrifying notion of a shrubby spectre haunting Berkshire, most probably forcing them to wake up in the middle of each night screaming, bathed in their own sweat.

Arrghhh! It's behind you!

In line with all successful murder investigations, the pupils’ first response has been to start a letter campaign to the local paper.

Callum Hill, 10, said in his letter: “The school is devastated. Why would anyone want to steal a willow man who will now be dead? We would like the person responsible to own up now.”

Ryan Vine, eight, said: “I am extremely confused and concerned why someone or people would do something like this.”

Now they’ve been publicly asked to own up by a 10-year old school boy, I’m sure the culprits will hand themselves in to the authorities as soon as possible. If only someone had bothered to write to the Yorkshire Post in 1977, the rest of Peter Sutcliffe’s murderous antics might have been nipped in the bud.

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Written by Paddy

March 15, 2010 at 2:19 pm

Posted in Heartless bastards

5 Responses

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  1. “I am extremely confused and concerned…”…are these REALLY the words of an 8 year old…especially one called “Ryan”??

    Ziggy

    March 15, 2010 at 2:23 pm

  2. The tears were cascading down my face until I saw the photo, clearly showing said willow man alive and dancing. Willow man was just playing a trick, and also clearly still has his arms.

    Michael Laverick

    March 15, 2010 at 10:42 pm

  3. I’d like to know quite what the girl sitting betwixt the willow death man’s legs thinks she’s playing at.

    Paddy

    March 16, 2010 at 1:40 am

  4. I’d like to know what she’s doing as well…can’t I be left in peace? (In Hampshire, not Berkshire).

    Willow Death Man

    March 20, 2010 at 9:51 am

  5. Hampshire, schmampshire.

    Paddy

    March 23, 2010 at 7:10 pm


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