The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Crucifiction

with 3 comments

There’s nothing like finding a piece of Jesus in your back garden when you’ve got the sniffles.

Ipswich Evening Star, 23 January 2010:

Holy smoke! Man finds Jesus in piece of plastic

A Chantry man today claimed a piece of plastic found in his back garden contains an image of Jesus – and may also have special powers.

Chris Nash, 27, says that since making the shock discovery his health and career prospects have mysteriously taken a turn for the better. […]

Mr Nash found the object lying on his garden lawn on Friday and couldn’t believe his eyes.

He said: “The object caught my eye straight away. It’s tiny – about the size of your thumb.

“I looked at it and thought ‘blimey, that looks just like Jesus Christ’. It was a really surreal moment.

Blimey, that looks just like Jesus Christ.

“The image isn’t clear close up but if you move backwards it all comes together. I’ve shown it to my mates and they all think it’s freaky.

“You hear about these sorts of things every now and again but it’s not the sort of thing you expect to happen to yourself.”

Mr Nash added that after finding the object, his life started to take a turn for the better.

“I had a cold over Christmas but since Friday it’s completely cleared up,” he added.

“I was also on a probation period for a new job at work and this week my boss told me I had got the job.

“Generally I feel as if I have more energy than usual. All these things could be coincidence but it does seem strange.

“I’m going to stick it on eBay and see what happens. If it really does have special powers than someone in more need than me may come forward.”

As Second Comings go, this is quite a letdown really; we were promised more than clearing up a cold and providing relative job security for a man in Suffolk.

It’s incredible how often regional newspapers provide free advertising for budding eBay entrepreneurs. It’s a mutually beneficial relationship in which papers give oxygen to fantasists looking for a quick buck in exchange for material to desperately fill their pages. And we, the readers, are merely the bystanders in this sordid back-scratching festival. Disgusting.

The Ipswich Evening Star excels itself in the full story by listing other examples of divine images appearing in everyday objects, including Marmite and some overcooked fish sticks. Thank you to both Chris Rand and Gavin Barber for making this article appear in my, er, cereal bowl this morning, which I’m now making available on eBay in case someone in more need than me wants to buy it.

Advertisements

Written by Paddy

March 2, 2010 at 1:07 pm

3 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. ‘Holy smoke’ is the best they can come up with for the title, yet ‘Messianic munchie’ is just dropped in near the end. What a waste.

    Ellie

    March 2, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    • Given the woeful inability to spell that most of the journalists who work on this title suffer from, I imagine it was safer to hide the “Messianic munchie” bit at the end of the article just in case it all went horribly wrong….

      Ziggy

      March 3, 2010 at 9:50 am

  2. Lay off the LSD fatty Nash!

    shandog

    March 5, 2010 at 12:32 pm


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: