The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Perverting the course of gardening

with 6 comments

Man jailed for six weeks for putting a woman off sausages. Faith in the Great British justice system: restored.

Thanks to Angry people in local newspapers for this.

Reading Post, 2 September 2009:

Naked neighbour ‘put me off men’

By Anna Roberts

The victim of garden pervert Paul Darlow – who told a court he had put her off men and sausages for life – has told how she still suffers flashbacks.

Denise Woodage saw oddball Darlow pleasuring himself in his back garden in Churchwood Walk, Calcot, and frequently spotted him going about his chores naked – save for a pair of boots.

Darlow faced trial at Reading Crown Court after denying indecent exposure with intent to cause alarm or distress but was convicted last Friday. He was jailed for six weeks.

The 54-year-old, who is mum to Hazel, 26, told the Post she was now anti-men as a result of seeing Darlow’s “pale and hairy” body in the November chill and is now on anti-depressants. […]

“He looks younger than he is and he was well-endowed and really hairy.

“It has put me off men.”


As if this incredible photo opportunity doesn’t capture Denise’s heartache enough, an earlier article in the Reading Post described the emotional testimony she gave in court:

Giving evidence at Reading Crown Court yesterday, Ms Woodage said: “I would see him two or three times a month, naked, mowing the lawn or cleaning the window, always naked apart from a pair of boots. I saw him twice pleasuring himself, it made me feel sick, he has put me off men.

“Put it this way – it has put me off my sausages for life.”

Although Denise may give the impression she’s enjoying her victim status in this story far too much, in reality it’s all just a front to mask the intense mental torture that comes with contemplating having to wean oneself off sausages:

“I am now on anti-depressants and also sleeping tablets – this has really affected me… I do not like going out now. He has been given a jail sentence but I have received a life sentence.”

Ah, the classic ‘life sentence’ card. Just imagine the rest of your days without any ground pork encased in intestine. None. Not a sausage. Awful.

But remember, there are always two sides to every story.

But Darlow said the November incident was a one-off “moment of madness”, not realising anyone was watching him, and he was embarrassed and ashamed.

Asked why he did it, he told the court: “It was lax judgement.”

The court heard he told police in interview he swore at his neighbour because he saw her looking into his garden when he went downstairs in his boxers to chase a pair of cats away. He denied ever being naked or touching his genitals.

Yet again, a flasher uses cats as part of his defence. When will they learn that feline falsehoods just don’t cut it anymore?

Link: Naked neighbour ‘put me off men’.


Written by Paddy

February 8, 2010 at 11:56 am

Posted in Flashers

6 Responses

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  1. Yeah, well, from that pic i don’t suppose any men will miss her either…


    February 8, 2010 at 1:29 pm

  2. At least cook the sausage first before photographing it…


    February 8, 2010 at 4:35 pm

  3. Denis(e) reminds me of Ron Jeremy – also famous for his associations with a sausage. I want to sneak round when her sleeping tablets have kicked in and slip a chipolata into her unsuspecting mouth.. Excellent work Patrick, keep this up and there’s an OBE in it for you. x

    strictly no meat

    February 8, 2010 at 10:32 pm

    • She’s supposed to repelled by the sausage, yet she seems to have been shot mid way through lunging herself at the poor uncooked beast.

      Michael Laverick

      February 8, 2010 at 10:59 pm

  4. Those cats had obviously run into his garden, scared for their lives after spotting the ferrocious looking bulldog in the garden next door….


    February 9, 2010 at 4:30 pm

  5. She wants fining too, for crimes against my eyes!

    John Shannon

    February 17, 2010 at 3:57 pm

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