The Nether Regions

The blog that slips an affectionate hand between the thighs of the regional media

Word count: 652. Topic: custard.

with 7 comments

It must have been a slow news day in the seaside town of Whitstable, Kent, when the local paper decided to run with the story of a woman who wanted to buy custard, couldn’t find any, eventually found some, but it wasn’t the brand she would really have liked. There are few words to describe such a series of events, but somehow the Whitstable Times found 652.

Thank you to Thomas Oppe for spotting this story and illustrating that the proof of the pudding is in the bleating-on-about-custard-stocks of a 43-year-old holiday rental company director.

Whitstable Times, 25 March 2009:

Whitstable mum in custard shortage

A MUM of three is dis-custard after a hunt for the dessert sauce in the town proved fruitless.

Keen baker Jules Serkin, 43, of West Cliff, Whitstable, needed a tin of custard powder to top off her apple and blackcurrant crumble.

But she was left with a sour taste in her mouth after getting no joy in either Co-ops at Oxford Street and Canterbury Road, and in Somerfield, in the High Street.

Even a trek to Tankerton’s Tesco Express – a corner shop version of its superstores – was wasted.

“I try to support my local businesses, but in the end I had to resort to going to one of the big supermarkets to get what I needed,” said Jules, a holiday rental company director.

The article is too long to reproduce in full here because the Whitstable Times appears to have interviewed all and sundry about this saga. Some of the most telling comments are from Somerfield spokesman Pete Williams, of undisclosed age, who displays an admirable, almost freakish, awareness of his large national supermarket chain’s current stocks and a dogged refusal to adhere to the customer service dictat that the customer is always right.

“We are a bit perplexed about your reader’s trouble in finding custard in the store. It offers a variety of custards including: tinned, fresh, cartons and in powdered form.

“Today (Monday March 23) it has both Somerfield own brand tinned custard and tinned custard made by Ambrosia. The store stocks Somerfield Instand (sic) Custard Mix – to which you simply add water.

I think he’s calling her a liar. Good.

Follow the link for the full lowdown on this woman’s battle to get her just desserts.

Link: Whitstable mum in custard shortage.


Written by Paddy

January 19, 2010 at 8:58 am

7 Responses

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  1. “dis-custard”: yes, brilliant. That type of low budget gag is part of the local newspaper that should be celebrated and never lost.


    January 19, 2010 at 7:02 pm

  2. […] “pervy trousers” allowing “direct access to his genitals”, a story about the search for a shop that sold custard – yes the regional press is a goldmine of everyday […]

  3. […] Word count: 652. Topic: custard. […]

  4. My friend used to live next door to this woman, and he tells me she’s bezzy -mates with the Whitstable Times editor, and is always getting herself in the paper. He also told me that ‘if she is 43, I’m a bats twat!”

    Gianluca Oxter

    January 28, 2010 at 10:58 am

    • Yep, and she works in PR. Just goes to prove how you can work the system if you know the ropes.

      The Whitstable Times tried it again with “Seagull flies off with cat” but then blew it by publishing a picture of the said cat that had supposedly been carried up into the sky by the killer seagull before dropping it back into its garden – must have weighed three times as much as the seagull!

      Perhaps we’ll next have “Custard Bird flies off with the gullibility of newspaper readers”, but I doubt it here in Whitstable. We’ve seen it all before.

      Gerry Mander

      March 21, 2010 at 12:06 am

  5. *stalking alert* I have just Googled her name and discovered that she runs a PR agency. So really we’ve just fallen into her trap. WHAT FOOLS.


    January 31, 2010 at 10:14 pm

  6. Thanks for that, Jules Serkin, “43!”, of West Cliff, Whitstable. I can now sleep securely, knowing you have found a reliable local source for tins of manufactured custard powder. Next you will be telling us you couldn’t buy milk, cream, vanilla extract, eggs, caster sugar or cornflour locally. Because that, Ms I-Want-To-Eat-Healthy, is all you need to make your own friggin’ custard.

    Is 43 referring to her waist size?


    March 20, 2010 at 6:52 pm

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